#1
please help me out on this one i think its a good start but i dont know what else to do.


my thoughts are clouded from the lies you fed me
everything you said to me
everthing you made me believe

how did i not know what you were planning?
when i saw you in the shadows you said the knife was not for me
but i turn my back and fall in a pool of blood

as i drift away, becoming a memory in your eyes
the only question i can ask is why?

now that i'm will you just forget
or will you regret everything

all these things i thought i knew
in the end were never true
#3
Quote by hxc405
please help me out on this one i think its a good start but i dont know what else to do.


my thoughts are clouded from the lies you fed me
everything you said to me
everthing you made me believe

how did i not know what you were planning?
when i saw you in the shadows you said the knife was not for me
but i turn my back and fall in a pool of blood
I adore the imagery in this verse, don't change a thing

as i drift away, becoming a memory in your eyes
the only question i can ask is why?
youre gonna want to add more to this verse, it seems incomplete, but that might be the angle your going for

now that i'm will you just forget
or will you regret everything
Seems kinda emo, though I hate to use that word. I think this verse and the next you could turn the song around into something so much more than another regret song.

all these things i thought i knew
in the end were never true



crit mine plz
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=374575
#4
Quote by hxc405
please help me out on this one i think its a good start but i dont know what else to do.


my thoughts are clouded from the lies you fed me
everything you said to me
everthing you made me believe

how did i not know what you were planning?
when i saw you in the shadows you said the knife was not for me
but i turn my back and fall in a pool of blood

Nice imagery. I wouldn't change anything.

as i drift away, becoming a memory in your eyes
the only question i can ask is why?

Nice. Not much really to say about that except that i like it.

now that i'm will you just forget
or will you regret everything

all these things i thought i knew
in the end were never true


You might want to add something there. It seems somewhat unfinished.
©Ibanez4
#5
thanks for giving your opinions. i know i really do need to add to it but hey its a start
#6
^^No problem. That's what we're here for. If there is anything else i can crit or do for ya just PM me and let me kno.
©Ibanez4