#1
Wow, I haven't written anything in a while. Crit for Crit

What can I say
I can say nothing
I can prove nothing
It's up to you to choose
Am I sincere
Or do I lose
To end your fuss
In the game of trust

Do words mean anything
In the world today
People lie and don't think
Before they say
"I love you"
"I hate you"
Where has honesty gone?
In the near days
It won't even dawn

Betrayal led to your mistrust
Earth doesn't mean
To be unclean
Where can we turn now?
Not to our friends
To take one last bow
Please say "Be true,
Can I turn to you?"
#2
sound more like a rap in the format you have it in, but other than that is pretty well written
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#3
meh, i didn't like it. i didn't find it interesting at all and it was dull. there's no life to it, lol. i guess you can use more descriptive devices if you want. that way, it would be easier on the eyes.
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#4
Quote by shadowsoldier08
sound more like a rap in the format you have it in, but other than that is pretty well written

Quote by Green_Fox
meh, i didn't like it. i didn't find it interesting at all and it was dull. there's no life to it, lol. i guess you can use more descriptive devices if you want. that way, it would be easier on the eyes.

Thanks for the crits. To the paper!
#5
Quote by kirbyrocknroll


Do words mean anything
In the world today
People lie and don't think
Before they say
"I love you"
"I hate you"
Where has honesty gone?


this part was actually pretty good. I'd like to see you expand on that idea. As for the rest, nothing really stuck out at me. Try concentrating on what your writing instead of what your rhyming ....
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#6
Really cool material, I like what the song's about. Take out about half of the rhymes, and words, and it'll be really good.
We're only strays.
#7
Quote by aksuperstar
this part was actually pretty good. I'd like to see you expand on that idea. As for the rest, nothing really stuck out at me. Try concentrating on what your writing instead of what your rhyming ....



yeah, i aggree with aksuperstar, don't focus on the ryhming but more the words. sometimes ryhmning can sound cheesy if you're forcing things to ryhme that don't have a strong meaning. personally, i like the whole stream of conciousness writing style when i'm writing lyrics. then i might go back and fix some things from there.
also i'd add a bit more descriptive words, but other than all that, i'd say you've got a good start
Quote by madbasslover
haha
you actually made one! i salute you, burrito.

mmm bean rice and cheese. the best.