#1
hey this is my first whole song that i wrote, it didnt take very long so its probly rough and ill probly be adding more, but this is what i got down today.
Verse 1:
Your beautiful as hell and you know it,
You occupy the space in my mind.
Your tounge is like a silver bullet, yet
Your kiss like a taste of fine wine.

Chorus:
I gotta get something to eat,
Cuz Im feelin a hole inside me deep, and
I gotta try getting some sleep,
Cuz Im so sick and tired and the future looks bleak, cuz
I havnt seen you in a week, and
Youre killin me here, yea you torture me,
Yea and I gotta get back on my feet, yeah
I cant let you do this, you ruin me.

Verse 2:
You usta be a hell of a woman,
Sending tingles all up my spine.
But the girl that I once knew, yeah she left me,
In her place the biggest bitch of all time.
#2
its a little short
make sure that you finish the song before you post it up
its a highly talked about topic that you chose, but im sure that you will get better at that with more time and experience, bc most first songs have a similar topic
it has a good ryme scheme

all and all its not bad for a first song
im sure you will get better as you and your material mature into a better lyricalist


crit mine please

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=5843968#post5843968
Last edited by the_man101 at Jun 12, 2006,