#1
I read Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451 the other week and I was thinking about a specific quotation from that book that stuck with me: "I'm seventeen and I'm crazy. My uncle says the two always go together. When people ask your age, he said, always say seventeen and insane." So I decided to write a song with that little phrase in mind. Crit for crit, leave a link, that whole deal.


Young and alive, warm to the touch
Wouldn?t think he would have to clutch
To the good things in life, the mental crutch
That waste of air, don?t amount to much

Seventeen and insane
Life's just one big game
No one even knows your name
When you're seventeen and insane

These problems don?t seem that strange
From the comfort of old age
Clinging to the bars of this cage
Take a look around and turn the page

Seventeen and insane
Life's just one big game
No one even knows your name
When you're seventeen and insane

Seventeen
Seventeen
Seventeen


and so on and so forth
Peace, peace, and that's my piece.

Just another pale, skinny, noiserawkin' indie boy with tousled hair

Last.fm
#2
i like the message you're trying to send and the direction its going in.....and i really like the stanza "these problems dont' seem....and turn the page"

however, i think it needs a bit more meat to it. and your chorus is a little weak. just try and build on what you have and add a bit more descriptive lyrics.
good start though

hey, if you want you can crit mine. gracias!
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=374450
Quote by madbasslover
haha
you actually made one! i salute you, burrito.

mmm bean rice and cheese. the best.
#4
Quote by guitar?
I thought it was pretty decent. Its a cool phrase to base a piece on. The only thing I did not like was the AAAABBBBCCCCDDDD rhyming. Besides that it was pretty good.

crit mine please https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=375325



Yea, I contemplated going with something a little more complex, but for the music that I'm considering accompanying it with, I think it works. I'm leaning towards a sort of Stooges-type thing.

As I work more on it, it may change.
Peace, peace, and that's my piece.

Just another pale, skinny, noiserawkin' indie boy with tousled hair

Last.fm