#1
some of the song i belive doesnt quite fit any suggestions
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she really loved you
you called her a slut
she was there for you
you didnt give a f***
your an a** hole
she deserves more than you
i just want you to know
what you put her threw

crying at the key board late at night
talking to friends about the fight
just go burn in hell
stay away from her
if you dont i can tell
someone is going to get hurt

she doesnt deserve to be treated like that
ill hit you in the face with a baseball bat
why are you here now
i thought you had all thoes other chicks
or was it just a lie, one of your stupid tricks
to make her feel down
so you can get up
i can tell right now that you are one f***ed up kid!


she really loved you
you called her a slut
she was there for you
you didnt give a f***
your an a** hole
she deserves more than you
#3
i'll say i like the ideal behind the song, but again, me personally, i kinda like a song that tells a little more of a story y'know? it's workable but i think the words aren't well enough though out is all i could really say (i would offer more crit but i can be a d!ck on accident and rather than be an a$$ i'll just stop early) but i will definately say i like the ideal and meaning behind the song
#4
i tought it was really good 10/10 lol
Whatever it is you do, DO NOT CLICK HERE! ! it will bring the end of the world upon us all!!!! I swear you click it, and you will end o.O
____________________________________________
#5
I liked the song, but I don't like the swearing, I look down at artist that can't get their anger across without cussing every other word, seems barbaric. And it puts you in the same place as whoever youre talking about. You want to seem like the "nice respectable guy that she never fell for" So get rid of the cussing, and the baseball bat thing, too literal, try to make it a little more vague, or you'll upset people. No one honestly likes violence in that kind of song, because it again puts you in the same place as the guy youre describing

crit for crit
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=374575
#6
wow i never thought of it that way thanks i just have trouble finding words like cuss words i dont use them as the bad way i just use it to tell my intensity of the situation if that makes sence
#7
Quote by thror13
some of the song i belive doesnt quite fit any suggestions
-----------------------------------------


she really loved you
you called her a slut
she was there for you
(but) you didnt (care)
your (the loser here)
she deserves more than you
i just want you to know
what you put her threw

crying at the key board late at night
talking to friends about the fight
just go burn in hell
stay away from her
if you dont i can tell
someone is going to get hurt

she doesnt deserve to be treated like that
(you a pompus little brat)
why are you here now
i thought you had all thoes other chicks
or was it just a lie, one of your stupid tricks
to make her feel down
so you can get up
i can tell right now that you are one (messed) up kid!


she really loved you
you called her a slut
she was there for you
(Incosiderate smuck)
(Conversation through)
she deserves more than you

Hope that helped

Crit please

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=374575
#9
This piece definitely needs some work. Not the best thing I've read but I'm sure once you round off the edges and add a few bits here and there, it should turn out readable.
REVENGE
#11
she doesnt deserve to be treated like that
ill hit you in the face with a baseball bat


Funnyest lines ive read in a long time.
well done mate. Its not big and fancy, but its good and i like it.
Is it true? Cuz il help you beat the dude up lol
Crit mine pleeeeeeeeese...the link is in my sig.
Franz
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#12
thanks for the crits ya its true lol ill check out your songs as soon as i get back i have a few errends to run
#13
good...now where does the guy live......................................
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#14
liked it- i dont see anything wrong with a bit of language, most of what i listen to is full of it. Also, a change of attitude is necessary when taking on a persona, if you want a few different people in a story to be distinguished from each other. I though the chorus was pretty cool.

Dont bother replacing the curses with dodgy rhymes, its just all of the sensitive people on this forum feeling insulted.

9/10
VENUSIAN
FB SC BC TW
Patterns In The Ivy present ethnicity on an intriguing and dedicated level. ~Ambient Exotica
A mesmeric melange of yearning voice, delicate piano and carefully chosen samples. ~Lost Voices