#1
I called you up last night to tell you to stop down to the local coffee-shop some time in your coincidentally planned life. I?m offering janitorial services twenty- four seven to the four hundred and sixty two adept nimble minds. As I sing back and forth slow stepping backwards swaying my arms to the sound of a spinning world that I?m responsible to clean, I keep thinking of the sound of remembrance. Its convinced me to keep wearing that old robe you bought me for my late brothers demise. Eating away at his lines of life to his heart until he dies. Maybe you were clueing me in, telling me to just give up? Now that I think about it my robe is starting to rip. Right along the sides where it was crudely sewn together by someone who didn?t really care anyway.

It seems that everyone at some inopportune time in their life is trying to sew together a story, whether short or long. To make life seem more rational, and to realize what they are here for. I convinced myself of that a long time ago.Im a double personality. On the front I?m words with upside down pronunciations, and on the other I?m just an index for the same dictionary you bought, knowing you?d never use?I just wish I could have a chance.


-Mike
Last edited by TrigFunction at Jun 19, 2006,
#4
I like your new style. Like I said in your other piece, I think it has a little attitude, a little class and little bit of everything.

I don't think it was as good as Corporate Ladders and Subsequent Fortunes (9/10 I woul dhave given that )
though, mainly for the length of one or two sentences, which for me ruined the flow you have going in pieces like this.

As I sing back and forth slow stepping backwards swaying my arms to the sound of a spinning world that I?m responsible to clean I keep thinking of the sound of remembrance, and its convinced me to keep wearing that old robe you bought me for my late brothers demise.

That would possibly be the best example of this. I think you could probably break that up into two, or even three sentences.

Other than that, I don't have ny real problems with it. I love it when you fitted in some internal rhyming, that just added to the piece. 8/10, really like this stuff, hope you continue to enjoy writing like it
#5
Short prose is probably the hardest thing to write. Mainly because the ability to blend serious though, but unpretentious writing is incrediblely hard to do. Some of the lines like "I convinced myself of that a long time ago" reek of this ability gone sour. They just sound stupid and trite. It's like I said, hard to right seriously and smartly, and in points of this piece, you don't. You sound childish and like an immature. But at other times you hit it on the nose and splurge out lines like "On the front I?m words with upside down pronunciations, and on the other I?m just an index for the same dictionary you bought" (which while good, has some excess lines on the end that should be delt with). I dunno this piece is kind of a mixed bag of good and band. So, maybe fine comb it with an edit and try to explore some different options in some of the lines that you find weak.
#7
*Bump* i'll get back to this later, though from what i've read it's good *thumbs up* keep it up
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This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#8
hmm, this definitely had its great parts and its mediocre parts. I mean, you have an excellent idea, definitely original and definitely impactful. However, when I read through this, even outloud, it seemed rather longwinded. Actually as I end it now, the only real problem I see is in the first paragraph, where flow is disrupted on multiple counts... actually this is going to be too hard to explain in paragraph form, I'll make it a list:

First paragraph problems:
1. sentence length variation (lack thereof): I believe it would serve the piece immensly if every sentence was not composed of two parts and was a concise statement. Also, give the reader a chance to absorb the information before you do the second folly of this paragraph;
2. continual stream of conciousness: this can be a burden or a blessing and in this case its a curse. you set into effect in the piece a continual thought process of non-specifics and mystery which provides ambiguity and not enough things for the reader to grab onto before moving onto the next thing, if that makes sense

ex. I love the beggining of this line, its graspable enough for me to ponder but not completely set in stone and I'm exceited what your going to tie this down to, here is the line: " called you up last night to tell you to stop down to the local coffee-shop some time" the problem is the second part in which you dont tie the idea down, if anything you make it more mysterious and passive with "your coincidentally planned life". I'm thinking its also just too much information withing the intro.

In conclusion (as I kinda rambled there), utilize more brevity specificity and sentence variation and actually the same holds true for the second paragraph. Also, I suggest you just read this out to yourself a couple times and anywhere the flow is a little off mark it down. I would even go as far as to say have someone else read it aloud to you and see where they stumble and then mark that.

However, there were also some genious aspects of this as well such as brilliant lines like " It seems that everyone at some inopportune time in their life is trying to sew together a story" (also notice how I cut the end of this line as I felt it was extraeneous, you should probably comb out all the extraeneous things too).

Again, Idea=brilliant, some lines=brilliant, overall execution=average. Just comb out all the trite (as Pixiesfanyo said) words and ideas and you'll have an excelent piece.

I hope I didnt bore you with my rambling and that some of this might be useful, I'm rather tired, so it might not all make sense. well, you know where to find me. O, and if you wouldnt mind
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=377474
#9
actually i have never come across this sytle of writing on forums before, its cool- very differnet and a breath of fresh air compared to those ABAB rhyme poems you see all the time. i like the transition from the first to second paragraph- how you take that motif and use it to extract a deeper meaning- it works well and takes you along with the writing itself. As for the sentences- they are all nearly perfect, but like someone mentioned before a few seem a bit awkward and can be broken up into 2 or 3. overall i like the concept and the idea behind it- there are some parts of this that are absolutely perfect, but they dont seem to be sewn togethor as well as they have the potential to be.... very good nevertheless