#1
here we go. My fourth poem up here on ug, i hope more people notice it this time. This is a story about suicide, but not about the emotional side of it, this is more technical. My aim was to build suspense through it, and to also speed the heartbeat of the reader. To do this i have changed line length and stanza structure to reflect what is happening in the story.

fear

a shiver runs a perfect line
from top to bottom of your spine
a wave of cold throughout your skin
a mounted terror deep within

hair on arms begin to raise
stand to form a delicate haze
they intercross to form a mesh
the goosebumps spreading over your flesh

adrenaline is pumped throughout your blood
and washes over you like a flood
this chemical gives us fight or flight
and may save you from your death tonight

your muscles contract
to damp impact
hands before
to stop the fall

eyes are sealed
a mental shield

you hit the ground

bones snap
your skull cracks

you smash your nose
the thick blood flows

the pavement splattered with dark red
the hard ground your eternal bed


crit for crit, please leave something, anything.
VENUSIAN
FB SC BC TW
Patterns In The Ivy present ethnicity on an intriguing and dedicated level. ~Ambient Exotica
A mesmeric melange of yearning voice, delicate piano and carefully chosen samples. ~Lost Voices
#2
I thought it worked, I found myself reading it faster and faster. Good stuff.
Good Charlotte sounds like...uh...they sound like...um...well, they taste like a popsicle stick thats been shoved up someones ass -Eddie Vedder

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#5
a wave of cold throughout your skin
a mounted terror deep within

Brilliant here! My fave bit^^^

Aw man, you know i like your stuff, but this was amazing
Really, seriously class.
I loved the way you built it up, and the way you ended it was cool, cuz you were like....wow....the dude really jumped!

This is 10/10 material man.
franz
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#6
that was killer! seriously, great job, just add a rythm and melody and you got yourself a hit song.
~gtrfrk


founder of the dunlop pick fan club


RIP Roger "Syd" Barrett


"Let the good times roll"
#7
yay.. i feel loved...

CLICKY -> www.freewebs.com/rabidguitaristlyrics not everythings up yet, only got a few songs, but theres sum art and stuff too.

thanks for all the comments.
VENUSIAN
FB SC BC TW
Patterns In The Ivy present ethnicity on an intriguing and dedicated level. ~Ambient Exotica
A mesmeric melange of yearning voice, delicate piano and carefully chosen samples. ~Lost Voices
#8
top stuff...umm dont no what else to say you used a simple rhyming pattern to good effect, you use different rhymes aswell rather than cliched ones...the imagery was good, everything that you aimed for you seemed to do and that was good...at least 9/10