#1
I'd like to get some crit on this to know what it's missing, etc. Thanks.

As I cast my shadow over you
You know your end is drawing near
I?ll be the last thing you?ll ever see
Endless tortures wait you in your next life
Horrors never seen before your eyes

I died so long ago
These scars you?ve branded into my skin
No longer hold the pain it once held
The pain I once felt
I?ll suffer no more
Your lies can no longer be heard
When I?m done sawing off your tongue

You amount to nothing
As my fingers curl around your neck
You?re desperate to get free
But no matter how hard you struggle
You?ll never escape me
I?ll stomp my foot into your throat
Just like you did with my sanity
I hope you choke on your own blood
So you?ll know how I?ve felt for so long

Could I really kill the one that made me, what I am?
**** that, I don?t need you
I?ve taught myself well
I?ve benefited from this
I love what I?ve become
And you?re going love hell

I?ll give you the curse that ate away at my head
Like battery acid pulsing through your veins
You?ll decay until you?re dead
I?ve got the upper hand
I?ve got intellect and self control
I?m keeping my mind
And taking back my soul

As your eyes roll back inside your head
I find my smile fades away
I?m left empty
It seems that my purpose has finally been fulfilled
The only ones who see the end of war, are those who die from it
#2
You amount to nothing
As my fingers curl around your neck
You?re desperate to get free
But no matter how hard you struggle
You?ll never escape me


I think some of the rhyming is cheesy and could pass for nu metal. It's an interestin, aggressive concept, but some of it is cheesy. It's too direct for me and nothing deep here, maybe find some different adjectives in a thesaurus?
#3
Agreed. Each member of the band made a stanza or two and put it together. We haven't exactly worked out all the chinks.
The only ones who see the end of war, are those who die from it
#4
What about:

There's a shadow hanging over you

and see if you can change the rest of that first verse and suit it to that.
#5
You mean?:
As I cast my shadow over you
You'll never be seen again.

Could you clarify what you mean?
The only ones who see the end of war, are those who die from it
#6
There's a shadow hanging over you instead of the opening line of the song because I feel it's an overused phrase that you have there and then you can maybe break the rules a little more.

Could you crit mine please? I've broken it up so it's easier to read.
#7
No problem.
The only ones who see the end of war, are those who die from it
#8
Anyone else?
The only ones who see the end of war, are those who die from it