#1
Thrust in a room with all my sins/They document my whole life/It may be biased but I swear it's all true/did it start with Adam/Can I even trust You?

/Where is the mercy?/Where is the grace?/At least before I meet the needle/Let me see your face/

Abandoned underground is where they left me/My only hope is my own poison heart/
It may be biased but it's what I follow/Where this is headed,I don't know/

Lost is the mercy/Lost is the grace/At least before I meet the needle/Let us embrace/Willingly now,I start to approach/Summon all my strength,all of my will/

No longer biased/No longer a lie/Place my life in You is my new cry/Found is the mercy/Found is the grace/Saved from the needle/Now we can embrace.

I know it isn't great but just some crit please. It's a song about questioning surroundings and whether we always deserve what we get.
Last edited by ss311 at Jun 19, 2006,
#2
it'd be a whole lot easier to read if you broke it up lol, i tell ya.

anyway i really like the rhyming scheme you've got going on, in particualr:
"i swear its all true
did it start with adam?
can i even trust you?"


that was relaly good.

"black heart" is kinda cliched and sounds a little out of place in this piece IMO

and then the very last line seems a bit weird as well. i like the ongoing repittion of the ideas of "mercy", "grace", "embrace" etc. but the last line sounds a bit... i dunno it doesn't really fit. i think you should jsut change it to "now we'll embrace" that soudns better IMO

good work anyway, i relaly like your ideas and style
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#3
Thanks very much jallas I'll break it up in future and I completely agree with your alterations! Woohoo, that's the cherry on my ice cream.


Should I change that line to 'My only hope is my sanity' because I like the biased part after it can only be about a though or a living thing. I wouldn't like to change it to something like torch or matches/candles.

Any other ideas?
Last edited by ss311 at Jun 13, 2006,
#4
Hmm....it's pretty deep, I'll give you that. I liked to vocabulary. "Place my life in You is my new cry," I didn't care for that particular line, but to each his own, right? All and all, I liked it. Good work.
The only ones who see the end of war, are those who die from it
#5
It was pretty good. I liked the style as well. Like jallas said, the "black heart" is painfully cliched, so if you could change that, it would make it a little better. I liked the chorus a lot (I assume it was a chorus).
#6
Yes, giving love to the chorus, it seems so dark and deep though (Hopefully thats what you were going for).

Do keep the heart in there (Even if you change the black part) because the following line is very enjoyable "It may be biased but it's what I follow"

The line "Summon all my strength,all of my will" Is a good line but doesn't seem to fit rythmically in there.

Good job all around though, and if you wanna crit for crit, heres my link:

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#7
Should I change black heart to sanity instead? Technically, it sounds better anyway.

I also agree that the place my life in you hands is my new cry is well out of depth and I dislike that line but I'm working on it.
#8
Great choice in words, and I like the complexity of the scheme and how it flows together...
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#10
hmm. The "let me see your face" part seemed forced. And the use of the word cry is soooooooo cliche. I wish you would add some more to it and then it would be a better place. Right now it is pretty good.
#11
I like the see your face part for some reason but I agree with that friggin cry part, it's really bugging me too
#12
the no longer biased... part is the best, i also really liked the rhyming,

does it have a title or not?

please crit. One Last Fight
#14
It´s a song about the underground, in several ways.
I like it
You´re just outside
#17
even tho i hate you ill say its decent. Sounds a bit emo to me, but then again i am very closed minded. I like the rhyme scheme. It will be interesting to see it put to a guitar.
#19
Pretty ****ing cool man.

One solution to the black heart conundrum is to change "my own black heart" to "my poison heart" which punkifies the "emo" song with a dee dee reference.

Oh, and to me that sounded more '90's misfits than it did emo.
#22
Great song, i like the way it rhymes. Also is there a reason you use the name Adam?

Alex (member of the super-amazing-brilliant band you come to play with sometimes)
#25
Not to raise a mentioned point but yeah, you could do with spacing it out. But it was a nice way of putting your point across, not my favourite ryhme system, but my opinion matters to no-one proabally, lol. No seriously good song.

Please crit my song 'Everyone has a story to tell'
#26
Don't think I'm ignoring your request for crit but I swear I'll do it within 24 hours.