#1
First song ive ever written, not quite finsihed yet. go easy on my writting skills, and yes i was very pissed when i wrote this.

Snake (in the grass)

I let you in, threw off my guard
I never knew it could be so hard,
To not lie and cheat your way to the top
This bull**** between us has to stop

Snake oh, snake in the grass
Ask a question in CONFIDENCE
Why must you do this to me
A friend of mine you?ll soon not be

(chorus)
Lies!
Decite!
Control !
Go crawl back into your ****ing hole.

What you?ve done Is realy low I hope you know that.
Reducing yourself to a spy,
I thought you were worth so much more.
I guess not, I hope you ****ing die.

(chorus)
Lies!
Decite!
Control !
Go crawl back into your ****ing hole.

You?ll regret what you?ve done
One day
Youll get no sympathy from me though
and be forever plaged with guilt and woe
#5
It seems almost like all other songs that talk about hating someone, but nice job because this emotion seems real. It definitely needs short powerful power chords to back it up.


plz crit
Naffin - Painful secrets
#2 member of the Bill and Ted fan club

"There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It lies between the pit of man's fears, and the summit of his knowledge. It is an area which we call ... THE TWILIGHT ZONE."
#7
dude, awesome song. sorry about all the sh!t i gave you in your latin post. I was really mad at my mom & my friend. I can hear that in my head right now. Do me a favor.. don't make it a screaming song.. that would be so tacky.. Like the angry emo kid singing about whatever. I think it would be a really nice just... normal hard rock song. OH & constructive crit::
"Why must you do this to me
A friend of mine you?ll soon not be"

that's eh.. It seems like you just went searching for anything that would rhyme with "me".
It should be like " Why must you do this to me, when you're gone is when we'll agree " or " why must you do this to me, left with just this memory " or something hardcore-er like that.. but seriously, that's an AWESOME SONG!!

Oh, and FYI- whenever I write a poem or a song or whatever, i almost ALWAYS use Rhymezone.. it gives you awesome words for rhyming or whatever you want to do.

ahh i'm in love with your song.. i'm so singing it right now
#8
^yeah i wasnt planning on making it some screaming grindcore/emo song. i actualy like your ideas about that one line, mine sounds cheesy

EDIT: btw where in new york do you live?
#9
haha, this is a really good for your first song, and even if it wasn't.
i liked the rhymes, i liked the anger, i liked the words.
I would say scream, but only in the chorus
#10
lol no im not lying this is actualy my first song ever written. and thank you to all the critts
#12
Quote by b.c.rich rules
meh. average. 'nuff said.


do you have a vendeta against me or something? you go into my other tread and make stupid rude coments and then go in this one and give a two word crit.

congradulations sir, you are infact a dick.
#13
Quote by Heascase
do you have a vendeta against me or something? you go into my other tread and make stupid rude coments and then go in this one and give a two word crit.

congradulations sir, you are infact a dick.


thats madam to you. and i actually like your other song except for that one part.
B.C. RICH
#14
Quote by Heascase
^yeah i wasnt planning on making it some screaming grindcore/emo song. i actualy like your ideas about that one line, mine sounds cheesy

EDIT: btw where in new york do you live?


Yay!! non-screamo!! I'm in East Northport, on long island. How about you?
#16
Quote by Heascase
dude!!! i live in kings park. thats so close


woaahhh!!! . I was just in KP at my aunts house the other day....
#17
Your song is crap. It sounds like every other -core song, because you idiots keep using the same words over and over and control and deceit and bury and friends and lies and I'm and so and eloquent and it and makes and me and look and hxc and over again. Someone, somewhere is banking off the concept of the "I hate you!" song. Recycled hate, my friend, is like reusing toilet paper, it just doesn't have the same effect the second time... and you're hate is brown.

Get some new ideas. How, you ask? Here is the answer, replies God: Go grab every CD booklet you have (or the lyric site), write down every single noun, adjective and verb in every one of them, and use that list as a reference point for words you're not allowed to use. Ever. Now go write something better.
#18
Quote by spike_8bkp
Your song is crap. It sounds like every other -core song, because you idiots keep using the same words over and over and control and deceit and bury and friends and lies and I'm and so and eloquent and it and makes and me and look and hxc and over again. Someone, somewhere is banking off the concept of the "I hate you!" song. Recycled hate, my friend, is like reusing toilet paper, it just doesn't have the same effect the second time... and you're hate is brown.


thank god someone agrees with me!
B.C. RICH
#19
Quote by spike_8bkp
Your song is crap. It sounds like every other -core song, because you idiots keep using the same words over and over and control and deceit and bury and friends and lies and I'm and so and eloquent and it and makes and me and look and hxc and over again. Someone, somewhere is banking off the concept of the "I hate you!" song. Recycled hate, my friend, is like reusing toilet paper, it just doesn't have the same effect the second time... and you're hate is brown.

Get some new ideas. How, you ask? Here is the answer, replies God: Go grab every CD booklet you have (or the lyric site), write down every single noun, adjective and verb in every one of them, and use that list as a reference point for words you're not allowed to use. Ever. Now go write something better.


However "constructive" that was supposed to be, you come off as an asshole. I dont like -core music and this song wasnt intented to be that. Going by what your saying i shouldnt be allowed to used 80% of the english language in poems/songs. now kindly **** off, i asked for my song to be critiqued not my music taste.
#21
I come off as an asshole; sweet.

So poems/songs utilize 80% of the English language, why not use the other 20%? What did it do to be rejected by the tormented, melancholic, hating souls of songwriters and x-corexersx?

And my reply was not supposed to be constructive - it was an opinion of your lyrical "work," one which you feel the urge to defend by saying "i was very pissed when i wrote this," therefore suggesting that you knew your piece was crap, thus voiding and canceling out my opinion entirely. Sorry about that. Bye now.
#22
Quote by spike_8bkp
I come off as an asshole; sweet.

So poems/songs utilize 80% of the English language, why not use the other 20%? What did it do to be rejected by the tormented, melancholic, hating souls of songwriters and x-corexersx?

And my reply was not supposed to be constructive - it was an opinion of your lyrical "work," one which you feel the urge to defend by saying "i was very pissed when i wrote this," therefore suggesting that you knew your piece was crap, thus voiding and canceling out my opinion entirely. Sorry about that. Bye now.


so very true
B.C. RICH
#23
Quote by spike_8bkp
I come off as an asshole; sweet.

So poems/songs utilize 80% of the English language, why not use the other 20%? What did it do to be rejected by the tormented, melancholic, hating souls of songwriters and x-corexersx?

And my reply was not supposed to be constructive - it was an opinion of your lyrical "work," one which you feel the urge to defend by saying "i was very pissed when i wrote this," therefore suggesting that you knew your piece was crap, thus voiding and canceling out my opinion entirely. Sorry about that. Bye now.


shut up. stop acting like anything you've wrote, if you've ever even written a song, is better then his, you ignorant asswh!pe.
#24
Quote by Khrysxguitarrx
shut up. stop acting like anything you've wrote, if you've ever even written a song, is better then his, you ignorant asswh!pe.


why do you always have to stand up for him? his song sucks, face it.
B.C. RICH
#25
Quote by b.c.rich rules
why do you always have to stand up for him? his song sucks, face it.


I stand up for him because I like his song and he seems like an awesome person. I can stand up for whoever I want, and I don't need you to ask me why I do what I choose to do. His song DOESN'T suck. Maybe YOU just don't know what REAL MUSIC or GOOD LYRICS are.
#29
i have one suggestion on making it sound better.

with the whole:
"Why must you do this to me
A friend of mine you?ll soon not be"

"soon not be" just doesn't sound right, try:

"Why must you do this to me
A friend of mine you?ll never be"

you still have 2 syllables there, not sure whether you like it or not. cos it can still mean like "now that u have betrayed me don't think for a second that you'll be my friend again" or something along those lines. it also doesn't seem as forced that you tried to ryhme with "me", it seems more natural in my opinion.

i'm just putting it on the table, eat it or feed it to the dog i dont care.

one final thing, dont listen to that spike fellow, don't try and look in a dictionary or use the synonym tool in microsoft word to find big and smart words, it comes off as you have no feeling in your songs.
Last edited by FireFlage at Sep 1, 2006,