#1
I'm new to this Forum. I'm not new to writing.
I realize I'm not great. But I also realize I have something.
I came here to get a variation of critiques to improve my writing.
So please, do so.


I miss it
Every yesterday that we lost ourselves
Comas in the dark
I used to tell myself I saw us
Swallowing each others hands
Throwing up words
Because it was always the right thing to do
At the eleventh hour
A bit more than I could've ever
Done
My words came out as cigarette smoke
Cancer and caliginous Dark Horse
Wires of veins became
Crossed
Lost
I never left the Grindstone
Only by the
Skin of my teeth
#2
My words came out as cigarette smoke

Doesn't work for me I'm afraid. Try something else to get that feeling across please.
I can imagine this is loud? It doesn't really flow but an interesting one.
#3
I feel it could have a more interesting ending... it was captivating until i got to the end... nice choice of words, although some sentences dont fit in real well.
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#4
Thanks. Yeah, now that it is mentioned, I notice all of the stuff.

I still like the Cigarette Smoke line.
#5
Quote by ss311
My words came out as cigarette smoke

Doesn't work for me I'm afraid. Try something else to get that feeling across please.
I can imagine this is loud? It doesn't really flow but an interesting one.



What do you mean by "Loud?"
#6
There is this terrible epidemic spreading throughout America's youth. It's called being "scene". Being "scene" can be seen (hah, pun) through various forms of art and expression. Fashion, music taste, and poetry all have fallen to the plague.

This piece/writer has obviously boughten into the scene. Through his "clever" metaphors detailing teenage behaviors, he attempts to seem complex and emotional. But really, he's just stealing the words out of his idols mouthes and cutting and pasting them into something that seems like it is his own.

Try to get some originality and come back.
#7
Bold words^

By loud I meant another generic Rollins Bandesque sound to the song...
#9
Quote by pixiesfanyo
There is this terrible epidemic spreading throughout America's youth. It's called being "scene". Being "scene" can be seen (hah, pun) through various forms of art and expression. Fashion, music taste, and poetry all have fallen to the plague.

This piece/writer has obviously boughten into the scene. Through his "clever" metaphors detailing teenage behaviors, he attempts to seem complex and emotional. But really, he's just stealing the words out of his idols mouthes and cutting and pasting them into something that seems like it is his own.

Try to get some originality and come back.



Hmm... The only "idol" I have when it comes to writing is Henry Rollins. I have nearly every one of his books, so if you can find something in there that sounds anything remotely like that, then I will agree with you. But I'm sure you are incorrect.
#11
Well, he usually NEVER writes like that. I don't know if you're familiar with his work or not, but I am far passed familiar with it. However, I don't want to argue, because that's stupid. If you see his influence in it, then I wouldn't be surprised, after all, I am always reading one of his books. I read them over and over.
#13
I can see a big Rollins influence particularly compared to the Rollins Band's 'Nice'.
#14
If I would make one suggestion... if the lines are separated that way in the actual song, could you try to use some form of rhyme scheme... I dont mean rhyming the words in some constricting manner, because I like the words, but some kind of meter to make the lines flow... of course, I could be reading this the wrong way....
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#15
i liked this a lot, and though i get where pixiesfanyo is coming from, he's being a little harsh a think. there are millions worse than you. you're on your way, you could use more practice, but this piece is fine the way it is.

i would have done a couple of things differently though, personally. like i wouldn't have put "done" on its own line. and i would have taken out "at the eleventh hour" and "cancer and caliginous dark horse". thats just me. good job, keep it up.
#16
Quote by pixiesfanyo
There is this terrible epidemic spreading throughout America's youth. It's called being "scene". Being "scene" can be seen (hah, pun) through various forms of art and expression. Fashion, music taste, and poetry all have fallen to the plague.

This piece/writer has obviously boughten into the scene. Through his "clever" metaphors detailing teenage behaviors, he attempts to seem complex and emotional. But really, he's just stealing the words out of his idols mouthes and cutting and pasting them into something that seems like it is his own.

Try to get some originality and come back.


I'd have to agree with you 100%.
#17
The words are pretty good, please try to rhyme, I liked the first lines, the last ones were not as good
again, try to rhyme
#19
Real smart, Pixiesfanyo. I almost felt like you knew what you where talking about. Almost.
As a teenager I don't expect Brian (Sixtwentyseven) to detail much of anything else. Unless you want him to write some abstract horse sh.it that would undoubtedly get applauded on this forum for it's clever use of alliteration ("sixty snakes swam the skyline" or some other bullsh.it line written to mask any and all humanity in the writing.) then shut up. Then again, you've got a good idea. Let's kill poetry by running off all those interested because we're abunch of fu.cking trees intent on burning ourselves down. Real smart.
#20
i think pixiesfanyo called this one. the words are nice but the style is so old, hackneyed, cliched and downright boring that it really doesnt affect anyone except maybe yourself.
there are doors that open
there are doors that dont

A recent study shows that 8% of teenagers listen to nothing but music with guitars in it. Put this in your sig if you're one of the 92% who aren't close-minded morons.
#21
ScarredFaith, he wasn't telling him to stop writing, he was telling him to write about something different... read the post and understand before making yourself look like a dick

Ok i agree with Pixiesfanyo, what he wrote is amazingly helpful so take it into account, you used good metaphors and intelligence. But it just needs to be reworked into a new direction, try and cut away from that part and do soemthing new, goodluck

ps. i liked the Cigarette smoke line, by far my favourite
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#22
I like it, and while we may not like all comments it's ultimately up to you if you want to change them at all. Besides that's why we post right? So take it with a grain of salt and really try to see what they're saying. I like the abundance of metaphors, "Comas in the dark" is my favorite because of the tone it sets, throwing up doesn't work for me as much though. Anyway good job
#24
I quite enjoyed the lyrics, although they're far from my type. They seemed to have some thought put into them. However, they were rather stale from overuse.

Quote by pixiesfanyo
There is this terrible epidemic spreading throughout America's youth. It's called being "scene". Being "scene" can be seen (hah, pun) through various forms of art and expression. Fashion, music taste, and poetry all have fallen to the plague.

This piece/writer has obviously boughten into the scene. Through his "clever" metaphors detailing teenage behaviors, he attempts to seem complex and emotional. But really, he's just stealing the words out of his idols mouthes and cutting and pasting them into something that seems like it is his own.

Try to get some originality and come back.


I agree with you for the most part, but you said that far too arbitrarily. I'm 16, and I don't write remotely like this. Try to be a bit more open minded man! Abstract metaphors are present in a couple different kinds of music. They are far too common in emo and screamo music, where they come across as just plain retarded for the most part, but read through some Pig Destroyer lyrics off of "Prowler in the Yard". They have some of the darkest, most out-of-the-box lyrics I've ever heard, and they make use of "clever" metaphors very, very well.

EDIT***

I didn't really make my point at all there, did I? Oh well, it's nearly two in the morning here, so I can excuse myself a bit there. I was aiming more at the "scene" accusation than anything else. I was assuming that by "scene" you meant the emo, pseudo-depressed "scene", correct? If so, that's why I made the Pig Destroyer comment, seeing as they're an unbelievably dark and heavy grindcore band.

Hopefully it makes more sense now. I'm going to bed.
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Last edited by cds+stereo=life at Jun 17, 2006,