#1
please crit. and ideas are welcome. thanks


i've watched their idle hands paint your destruction
and the clouds are getting darker every second
when all hope is gone i will still be waiting at these gates

you lay tied to these tracks in your chloroform dream
continue to sleep so you don't have witness this tradegy
all your memories will take over today as this storm gets closer
my biggest fear is that you'll open your eyes
and see what's really here

there's nothing i can do
i would cut the ropes
but only if was there with you

this air is getting colder with your silent screams
is this your last request to me?
will your last breath take me with you
or just leave me here?
#2
To be perfectly honest, I don't get it. I'm sorry, I just have no idea what this song is about.
#3
it's "tragedy"


i've watched their idle hands paint your destruction
and the clouds are getting darker every second
when all hope is gone i will still be waiting at these gates

this is kiinda cliched IMO and it doesn't really grab my attention the first time i read it. cool use of imagery and description, but i dunno, it's kind of lacking.

you lay tied to these tracks in your chloroform dream
continue to sleep so you don't have witness this tradegy
all your memories will take over today as this storm gets closer
my biggest fear is that you'll open your eyes
and see what's really here

this is cool, but IMO it doesn't really make so much sense... "continue to sleep" etc etc then you're worried that she'll open her eyes? i know what you mean when you say this, but it jsut seems kinda... iunno... weird. unbalanced.

there's nothing i can do
i would cut the ropes
but only if was there with you

this is too short, the stanza doens't feel compelte here.

this air is getting colder with your silent screams
is this your last request to me?
will your last breath take me with you
or just leave me here?

this is a very cool ending stanza. i always like stuff that ends on a question, it really adds a sense of depth to it, which always works well. definitely a good ending.

keep it up man, great basis, but needs some work in place IMO
Quote by Kensai
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#4
thx for the crit. but to clear some things up the song is about trying help someone but you know you cant save them(kinda pointless i guess if you think about) oh well
#5
i've watched their idle hands paint your destruction. I'm all for contrast and irony but idle hands don't work.