#1
Getting to all of your crits from the last piece now. Again, this is simplistic and mildly sylistic, enjoy all the line-breaking goodness!

EDIT: I took Dante's Idea but i figure its okay because we have the same name (I'll change it if your offended) Also, use the linebreaks to add an effect please.

I am Fusion

As I sway precarious
Over fusion
Between paradise
And embers
I am joyful
Perched on a mountain of prospect
I am singing
So why won?t you ___ me as
I am warning
You with
My hymn of
Existence

I am flight
I am soaring
Watching the world turning
And folding
Unto itself
I am joy spreading
Parched flame; but
Yet there I sway, spilling
Refreshment
Over lustful words
Lost to
My hymn of
Existence

I am rain
Dripping softly over my
Own great beating drips
And I hum to myself
Droning beats of a flood
In
My hymn of
Existence:

?Here I am swaying softly
There you are in my great shade
I wish that you would come to ____ me
But if earth was Dylan and Dylan earth
I never?d let you leave my grasp
O divine you
I?d never let you leave my clasp
Divine you
Why cant you hear me...
Last edited by #1 synth at Jun 15, 2006,
#2
I am fusion, I am ember, I am we,
I am warning,
So why won?t you hear
My cries
As I sway precarious
Over paradise
Perched on a mountain of panic

When I first read it this was my least favourite part of the song. NOw I feel you've achieved something quite beautiful and personal. The rhyming of cries and paradise, although fairly common took me by surprise as I imagine a warning as a cry, or a wailing sound. It really suits the theme and sets a cautious tone.

Thesecond verse or stanza is just as good. The vivid imagery is evident in it. As you soar I can imagine you catching alight in the flames. Then comes the flow of lines 6,7,8 in the verse. You let us know you're moving but then tell us you're swaying. The poem sounds like you're at war yet swaying offers a contrast. Now the contrast,it's beautiful too. Tangibly the turning point as the great atmosphere you have built up reaches a climax and dies down, lulling us to sleep.

I am flight, I am joy, I am me,
I am soaring,
So why can I
Watch the world turn to
Parched flame; but
When I speak no one listens,
When I yell no one moves,
And yet there I sway, spilling
Refreshment
Over lulling words
Lost to existence.


The last bit more obscure but fits in, great stuff. It worked for me.
#3
wow, that was one of the most thorough crits I've recieved ever believe it or not, would you like me to return the favour? I feel rather bad not giving back for that awesome crit.

RETHOUGHT! This is bland just plain not good, I will return to edit this tommorow with much better goodness. As a note to myself just in case I dont remember tommorow: why the **** is each ****ing line important, If its not then kill it, If something can be better said with specificity then do it, Finnally, why the **** did i write this, what the hell was I trying to say.

that ends my nice optamistic note to Myself, but, though simple, every writer should think about.
#4
Repeating yourself is a good thing in some cases. But as this piece proves, repeating in excess makes a song sound lame. I like what you are saying, and the idea behind this. But the way you are saying it just doesn't do it for me. Maybe try to space out the "I am" or use some other way to get the same point across. I can imagine this going along with a Hopesfall or dredg type sound which is good, because these are quality lyrics for a genre that is normal not known for them. I commend you for your effort, but I think you could use a little more work to make the piece seem not as gimmicky. Anyway, nice job from a new member.
#5
You're welcome.

I thought it enjoyable even if you did repeat some of it. NOw that I read it again, the 'Divine you' repetition maybe needs some work but I'd leave the preceeding sections looking more or less the same.
#7
Like I said in your other one, your capable of better than this. I can understand experimenting, but this one didn't work. Experiment within your consistancy, is what I say. If that makes any sense. At any rate, you said you would repost it or something, so I'll wait till the full version is up.

Check out the newest: "The Cause I'm Looking For" if it doesn't get me June's WotM, there might be shots fired. Also "(Untitled)" if you haven't gotten to it. I think I dropped a link in the other thread.

Rock On
Newest Lyrics:
[url="http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=727775[/url"]Pattern Recognition

Short Stories:
Anniversary
#8
Quote by #1 synth
Getting to all of your crits from the last piece now. Again, this is simplistic and mildly sylistic, enjoy all the line-breaking goodness!

I am Fusion

I am fusion, I am ember, I am we,
I am warning,
So why won?t you hear
My cries
As I sway precarious
Over paradise
Perched on a mountain of panic

after reading the whole piece already synth i think you have lot of good, but some rather clich lines such as the " why wont you hear my cries" it seems every stanza has one like this but you back it up with the other lines being good but idk, it just takes away from the piece. I really like the last three lines "As i sway precarious over paradise perched on a mountain of panic." That just flows... beautifull nice job there

I am flight, I am joy, I am me,
I am soaring,
So why can I
Watch the world turn to
Parched flame; but
When I speak no one listens,
When I yell no one moves,
And yet there I sway, spilling
Refreshment
Over lulling words
Lost to existence.

I dont like "when i speak no one listens, when yell no one moves" whole bit. but i love the rest watching the world in flames... warning them "and their i sway spilling refreshement" you really used alliteration to your advantage on this piece and it flows very well

I am rain dripping softly over me
And I hum myself
My pledge of allegiance
To elements:

I didnt like this whole part but the pledge of allegiance to yourself is kind of interesting... unles their is like a secret society of element worshipers... i guess

?Here I am swaying softly
There you are in my great shade
I hope you never come to harm me;
But if earth was Dylan and Dylan earth
I never?d let you leave my grasp
O divine you
Divine you
Divine you
I?d never let you leave my clasp
Divine you
Divine you
Divine you
Divine you
I am fusion, I am me
Now let us fade to black.


HMM i really dont like this last whole NEVER LEAVE ME bit, and if it was my choice i wouldnt leave you. bleh, come on synth you can do better then that. but on another note im thinking bad idea, but farely well written but you cant stray to far from the cliches for this one. Maybe it was just the puke **** color though 7 /10

-Mike

link in sig if u like
#11
The repetitions might work if you have a catchy enough hook for them.
I haven't seen the edits yet, but the style doesn't flow right. Sometimes
it's surreal description, and others its predictable and literal. I really liked
a lot of your imagery, that's definately a strong point. This one's worth
finishing.
#13
Quote by #1 synth
Getting to all of your crits from the last piece now. Again, this is simplistic and mildly sylistic, enjoy all the line-breaking goodness!

EDIT: I took Dante's Idea but i figure its okay because we have the same name (I'll change it if your offended) Also, use the linebreaks to add an effect please.

I am Fusion

As I sway precarious
Over fusion
Between paradise
And embers
I am joyful
Perched on a mountain of prospect
I am singing
So why won?t you ___ me as
I am warning
You with
My hymn of
Existence

I am flight
I am soaring
Watching the world turning
And folding
Unto itself
I am joy spreading
Parched flame; but
Yet there I sway, spilling
Refreshment
Over lustful words
Lost to
My hymn of
Existence

I am rain
Dripping softly over my
Own great beating drips
And I hum to myself
Droning beats of a flood
In
My hymn of
Existence:

?Here I am swaying softly
There you are in my great shade
I wish that you would come to ____ me
But if earth was Dylan and Dylan earth
I never?d let you leave my grasp
O divine you
I?d never let you leave my clasp
Divine you
Why cant you hear me...



arghhhh that was so boring to read i didn't even get to the end i just read like a few lines and thought this sucks what are you even going on about?
#14
alright, well thats one experimental literary experiment to scrap . Thanks everyone whose read it for your opinions. your right, this was bland, but it was my attempt at a monotome blandness in contrast to emotion, again, just let this piece float away into the annals of time, I've learned my lesson.

O and tp600, just out of curiosity, can you give me an example of a piece of writing, from this website or not, that you enjoy, I kinda wanna see what your looking for in a work of lyrics/poetry.
#15
when he says a few lines, i'm thinking its just the title...but anyways...I thought it was cool, but some things i didnt understand...but thats cool, either i'll figure it out later in life, or admire it for its complexity to me.
I guess you gotta write about politics to not be emo
#16
Quote by #1 synth

O and tp600, just out of curiosity, can you give me an example of a piece of writing, from this website or not, that you enjoy, I kinda wanna see what your looking for in a work of lyrics/poetry.


my favourite is definately


Let me take you down, 'cause I'm going to Strawberry Fields.
Nothing is real and nothing to get hung about.
Strawberry Fields forever.

Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see.
It's getting hard to be someone but it all works out.
It doesn't matter much to me.

No one I think is in my tree, I mean it must be high or low.
That is you can't you know tune in but it's all right.
That is I think it's not too bad.

Always know sometimes think it's me, but you know I know when it's a dream.
I think a "No" will mean a "Yes," but it's all wrong.
That is I think I disagree.