#1
this is my newest song. crit for crit.


What happend?

was it just a dream
or did it seem
that it was real
i don't know what happend


did it really take place
or was it too bland of a face
do you remember?
do you remember?


tell me what took place was it real
am i a basket case
for saying what i feel


there are facts
and there are rumors
too many of both
too tell what is true

tell me what happend
cause i can't remember
what happend?
just tell me please.
~gtrfrk


founder of the dunlop pick fan club


RIP Roger "Syd" Barrett


"Let the good times roll"
Last edited by gtrfrk123 at Jun 13, 2006,
#2
well it was ok

the rhyme scheme wasnt the greatest

there are facts
and there are rumors
too many of both
too tell what is true

^that was the best part for me, because there was no rhyme sceme and made sense
Call me Sean
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Yes i am
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#4
there are facts
and there are rumors
too many of both
too tell what is true

tell me what happend
what happend?
what happend?


I really don't understand why you can't take the time to write it in good English...

The rhyme is just wrong and the repetition of What happened leaves me apathetic. Sorry but get inspired before you write.
#6
Yeah, if you could get a constant rhyming pattern going on, it would really add to what is already a good song, keep it up!
"If you want beef, then bring the ruckus." - Marilyn Monroe
#7
Considering that the song started out with a plot about a dream, I still found it enjoyable... and with an inventive rhyme scheme(not TOO off the wall :P) this could be a really fun song. (BTW my songs link is in the sig, crit for crit eh?)
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My original intent was to put "...but never trust the French," but I didn't for fear of starting a flame war with some French UGER.


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Last edited by TheWarlock724 at Jun 14, 2006,
#8
Seems kind of bland if you get my drift? There seems to be to many "what happened's" and such and such. It wasn't exactly the best peice of writing and the rhyming scheme was sort of "meh" as well, no big deal. You managed to do that without out interuptin g the flow much so thats a plus. 7/10
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#9
I agrre with calvinthecanadi, it did seem very bland and uninspired.

6/10 from me, this just never got going, and never progreseed from the start. It showed no story pregression or message in it, and I thought it was boring to read.

Take others advice- learn how to use a rhyme scheme, be creative with it and try to add some spark into your writin instead of repetiton and asking questions.

Good Luck with your writing
#10
I agree also with calvinTHEEcanadi, but i did think it was quite good too.
Abit confusing at parts, you wanted to just say WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.?.
Apart from that some of the lines were pretty cool, il give you a 7/10, cuz it is quite original.
Can you crit mine? the link is in my sig.

franz xx
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Meep is a word.
Use it.
#12
that is a very powerful song. I love the repitition of "Do you remember? do you remember?"
nice job on this song.


crit my song please
"The Fear of the Future"
B.C. RICH
#13
I found it rather boring. The rhyme scheme did nothing for me. And the general them just seemed unneeded. Good luck next time.