#1
Crits are welcome =). First song I've written in years, wrote it after my family went out to dinner, how pissed off they were on how long it too the food to get here (It took like 20 minutes, which is nothing). Enjoy:

Everybody here is waiting in line,
Complaining about wasted time.
Trying to get home before nine,
Can't miss their TV shows tonight.

Don't you hate it, when you've waited for so long,
to be served but the order came out wrong.
Now ya gotta wait for the fix,
Pissed off at the watch as it ticks.

Did you notice that an artist painted the sky?
Stare away into the billion stars tonight
Doesn't it making everything else feel so small?
and if we get caught living,
girl, I'll take the fall.

One day you'll have a job with a nice fancy desk,
But remember your unique just like the rest.
Maybe even have a kid of your own,
raise the world another daily drone.

Did you notice that an artist painted the sky?
Come waste with me, we'll speak of anything.
We don't have to be stoned to enjoy The Wall,
and if we get caught living,
girl, I'll take the fall.

Moms home alone with her daughter upstairs.
Dads passed out but no one really cares.
Good thing they didn't waste their day,
waiting in line, waiting to pay.
Archdeacon of the Church of Zeppelinism
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Last edited by horazonblade at Jun 13, 2006,
#2
Cool song. I don't really feel qualified to actually crit but I do like it. Sometimes the rhyme scheme gets redundant and some lines are hard to sing but are you aiming for a folkish song with this? That's what I picture it as.
#3
Yea, I aimed for kind of a folkier a bit, but when I sing it back to myself it kind of goes pop rockish, turning in the chorus

EDIT: Tweaked a few of the words around for flow
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#4
Did you notice that an artist painted the sky?
Stare away into the billion stars tonight
Doesn't it making everything else feel so small?
and if we get caught living,
girl, I'll take the fall.

I don't feel the chorus works here, but it's very tongue in cheek, my sort if thing. I know the feeling. WHy can't my family enjoy just being there instead of complaining. You did very well at not doing the standard idea.

Moms home alone with her daughter upstairs.
Dads passed out but no one really cares.
Good thing they didn't waste their day,
waiting in line, waiting to pay.

This one is my favourite, you really did well there. See if you can alter the chorus a little so that it flows more but overall really good.
#5
Hey, i really like your song! i wish i could think of somthing like that. oh so untalented lol.
really great!!

Em
#6
Yea I'm having problems singing my chorus or making it fit in a song, thanks for the crits, I'll def crit for crit if you guys leave a link
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#8
What if I did this to the Chorus?

Did you notice,
That an artist painted the sky?
Stare away with me
Into the billions of stars tonight.
Doesn't it make
Everything else feel so small?
And if we get caught living
Girl, I'll take the fall.

Did you notice,
That an artist painted the sky?
Come waste away with me,
We'll speak of anything.
We don't have to be stoned
To enjoy The Wall.
And if we get caught living,
Girl, I'll take the fall.

Broken up it sings easier, or is it the lyrics?
Archdeacon of the Church of Zeppelinism
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