#1
check it out crits for crits just give me a link if you can please


back down now
i cant no way
shes starting to make me feel this way
i cant explain it
its much to hard
i dont get it i dont care
its to good i feel free
careless emotions are made of me
fly away to the sky above
im nearly sober
something funny to speak of

maybe its wrong who will care
its a talent a mislead flair

ive changed its new
something ive never seen
never thought id be this way
its just somethin about you and me
take my hand girl we'll fly away
not in pleasure or a haze


things got old
but are still new
sleep around towns good for the two
she wont care nothings gonna change
i hate the way its started it all sounds the same
so il finish it up
i dont mean no harm
her envys got me along with her charm
what do i do shes fired up now
mary jane take a puff we'll fly away
you'll forgive me
my sorow wont hide
come on baby
take a ride take a ride

maybe its wrong who will care
its a talent a mislead flair

ive changed its new
something ive never seen
never thought id be this way
its just somethin about you and me
take my hand girl we'll fly away
not in pleasure or a haze
Last edited by manthtscrazy at Jun 13, 2006,
#2
Quote by manthtscrazy

back down now
i cant no way
shes starting to make me feel this way
i cant explain it
its much to hard
i dont get it i dont care
its to good i feel free
careless emotions are made of me
fly away to the sky above
im nearly sober
something funny to speak of


The last 3 lines I can't see how it goes rythem wise.
All the lyrics above it I really like, I get an image and a feeling and its simple, and careless emotions are made of me, thats a good line

Quote by manthtscrazy

maybe its wrong who will care
its a talent a mislead flair

ive changed its new
something ive never seen
never thought id be this way
its just somethin about you and me
take my hand girl we'll fly away
not in pleasure or a haze


things got old
but are still new
sleep around towns good for the two
she wont care nothings gonna change
i hate the way its started it all sounds the same
so il finish it up
i dont mean no harm
her envys got me along with her charm


This above part is my favorite, especially the last few lines. The next few lines come to me as sounds and words, I would like to see them as smart as the above piece, or maybe seperate it into a different song part.

Quote by manthtscrazy

what do i do shes fired up now
mary jane take a puff we'll fly away
you'll forgive me
my sorow wont hide
come on baby
take a ride take a ride

maybe its wrong who will care
its a talent a mislead flair

ive changed its new
something ive never seen
never thought id be this way
its just somethin about you and me
take my hand girl we'll fly away
not in pleasure or a haze


The rest of it (along with a few grammer issues) is really golden, I like it a lot and if you ever record it, send a link my way.

If you want crit to crit, heres mine In Line
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#3
its a little confusing because of the different length lines and the rythm. i like the first and fourth stanzas the best. it's not the most exciting thing in the world, but im sure with a good rythm and such, it could be great.
~gtrfrk


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"Let the good times roll"
#5
It reminded me of a RHCP song. I don't kno if that is a compliment to you or not but to me it definately is. I like it. 8/10
©Ibanez4
#6
Nice job. Maybe capitalize the "i"s, and there's a " ' " in can't, to make in friendlier on the eyes. You may want to pop in a word here or there, to match up the syllables, but that's about it.

Once again, nice job. (Link in sig, BTW)

Do you plan to put music to it?
#8
'i dont get it i dont care'

What about changing it to I don't get it (IF) I don't care, adds some variety. THe last three lines of the first verse are a little off, but my favourite part is i dont get it i dont care
its to good i feel free
careless emotions are made of me

Really suits the style and gets those emotions over.
#9
It's a little confusing like a few people said, the rhyming was different and the sylablle
counts completely threw me off in each line. It seems sort of forced in places if you catch my drift. I'd try adding a few words here and there to make it less like that. Overall around a 7/10.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#12
thanks everyone you guys have helped tons. ive been thiknin about makin music to it but im thinking about makeing some to my other pieces first.