#1
Well, I feel bad about this being my first post, so if anyone comments, post a link to your work, and I'll comment there. Also, I don't like the title. If anyone can think of a better idea, that'd be nice.

Here it is:


As your heart breaks, Your mind incinerates.
You're joyous, or you have the blues,
No one cares how long this anger lasts,
It's my life, I have to choose.

Bridge:
I just figured out; I have nothing to loose.

Chorus (repeated a few times through the song):
How close do love and anger reside?
Are rage and hope the same?
By what laws do emotions abide?
It?s driving me insane!

My brain understands, My heart refuses,
Whoever wins is the death of who loses.
As our hopes, dreams, and hate collide,
I'm in this alone, everyone took your side!

Bridge:
All that and more, right before your heart died.

*Chorus*

Oh, the changes you made,
Your harsh words like a blade,
Now I feel so betrayed,
My hatred's displayed!

Bridge:
It's now your turn to be afraid!

*Chorus*

And now I don't care,
for this hatred we share,
Time to end my despair,
This anguish I cannot bear!

Bridge:
It's time that I was made aware:

Chorus with backup vocals:
How close do love and anger reside? (reside?)
Are rage and hope the same? (are they the same)?
By what laws do emotions abide? (abide?)
It?s driving me insane! (it's driving me)

Ending: But for you, insanity is worth it...
#2
when you say "It's driving me insane" in the chorus it sounds like you were forcing that rhyme...perhaps you could say "is it you or i to blame"?

"Oh, the changes you made,
Your harsh words like a blade,
Now I feel so betrayed,
My hatred's displayed!"
part of me says that is clever, but another part says it doesn't fit very well, maybe it's just me.

other than that i liked what do you did quite a bit, especially:
"How close do love and anger reside?
Are rage and hope the same?
By what laws do emotions abide?"
and
"My brain understands, My heart refuses,
Whoever wins is the death of who loses."
#3
As your heart breaks, Your mind incinerates.
You're joyous, or you have the blues,
No one cares how long this anger lasts,
It's my life, I have to choose.
The first line starts off awkwardly. Maybe try rewording it? Also another sylable would make the last line fit perfectly. It's really good but one more syllabel would help it flow better.
Bridge:
I just figured out; I have nothing to loose.

Chorus (repeated a few times through the song):
How close do love and anger reside?
Are rage and hope the same?
By what laws do emotions abide?
It?s driving me insane!
It's driving me insane seems too short. It stops the flow of the poem.
My brain understands, My heart refuses,
Whoever wins is the death of who loses.
As our hopes, dreams, and hate collide,
I'm in this alone, everyone took your side!
Seems a bit strained, but pretty good.
Bridge:
All that and more, right before your heart died.

*Chorus*

Oh, the changes you made,
Your harsh words like a blade,
Now I feel so betrayed,
My hatred's displayed!
The last words in the first two couples and the second two have a similar rhyme. If you don't stop to think, it seems like all four lines rhyme, and it gives it a weird feel.
Bridge:
It's now your turn to be afraid!

*Chorus*

And now I don't care,
for this hatred we share,
Time to end my despair,
This anguish I cannot bear!
Again the awkward four...
Bridge:
It's time that I was made aware:

Chorus with backup vocals:
How close do love and anger reside? (reside?)
Are rage and hope the same? (are they the same)?
By what laws do emotions abide? (abide?)
It?s driving me insane! (it's driving me)

Ending: But for you, insanity is worth it...
It's awkward here and there but all in all it's a great poem. Sorry if I seemed too harsh. I wasn't trying to be. It's really great. It sounds like it could make a great hardcore song. Good job!
Last edited by forty-six_and_2 at Jun 14, 2006,
#4
i think the way you ended it was pretty kool but the begining i didnt like to much i would try to go over it again and see if you liked it

thanks for the crits on my song i really apriciate it
#5
the beginning isn't good, but the rest of the song makes up for that. the chorus is the best part of the song and is really catchy.
B.C. RICH
#6
like they said, the begining isn't that good, but the rest makes up for it.

(this is my favorite stanza)
My brain understands, My heart refuses,
Whoever wins is the death of who loses.
As our hopes, dreams, and hate collide,
I'm in this alone, everyone took your side!


crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=376679
~gtrfrk


founder of the dunlop pick fan club


RIP Roger "Syd" Barrett


"Let the good times roll"