#1
Okay, this is my first time ever trying to write lyrics, so PLEASE go easy on me... It's incomplete thus far, as I haven't written a suitable bridge or interlude that I can stick with yet. And just for people asking about genre, its a blend of southern rock and metal...

Another shot, another day...
Driftin' farther and farther away, yeah...
Another shot, another time...
Looks like I'm startin' to lose my mind, yeah...

Can't explain the pain that I feel,
Can all of this truly be real?
Grab a bottle to ease my mind,
Another shot...
And I'm feeling just fine...

Turned my back as you called my name,
Livin' proof that we all make mistakes, yeah...
Left you standin' out in the rain,
The memory drives me insane, yeah...

Cant explain the pain that I feel,
Can all of this truly be real?
Grab a bottle to ease my mind,
Another shot...
And I'm feeling just fine...


The rhyme scheme is really simple, I know... but I'm not aiming for complexity on this one, I'm just trying to break out of the shell and dive into songwriting...

EDIT: Aw hell, I just realized I used the wrong scheme for the second verse... oh well, tell me what you think anyways I guess...
Quote by flame843
My original intent was to put "...but never trust the French," but I didn't for fear of starting a flame war with some French UGER.


Quote by Funkbass796
why worry about that? They'd surrender immediatly.
Last edited by TheWarlock724 at Jun 14, 2006,
#4
Cant explain the pain that I feel,
Can all of this truly be real?

It's a little cliche but then again, it would work if you're trying to reproduce similar stuff to SOAD, it's good for a first time. Have a look at mine in my sig please
#5
Thanks for the crits, guys...

ss311, you caught on to the one part I figured would strike people as cliche... I'm trying to figure out a better way to word it at the moment. I'll post if i figure it out...
Quote by flame843
My original intent was to put "...but never trust the French," but I didn't for fear of starting a flame war with some French UGER.


Quote by Funkbass796
why worry about that? They'd surrender immediatly.
#6
its very good for your first song. Its a little short so maybe add a verse or sumthin. This sounds like a pretty deep song. Lots of times, if a song sounds deep, it makes it better but thats not true all of the time.


this is my favorite part, it really caught my attention.

Turned my back as you called my name,
Livin' proof that we all make mistakes, yeah...
Left you standin' out in the rain,
The memory drives me insane, yeah...

good job for your first song, and good luck with songwriting.
~gtrfrk


founder of the dunlop pick fan club


RIP Roger "Syd" Barrett


"Let the good times roll"
#7
THIS, is your first song???
Man...i wish all our first songs were as good as this!
I really love it man, well done. It reminds me of switchfoot, if youv ever heard of them - check them out!!!
Keep up the good work.
Can you crit mine? The link is in my sig.

franz xxx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#8
For yor first song, this is actually pretty damn good! I also think it's a bit of a cliche, reminds me of the song "One" by Metallica
"If you want beef, then bring the ruckus." - Marilyn Monroe
#10
Another shot, another day...
Driftin' farther and farther away, yeah...
Another shot, another time...
Looks like I'm startin' to lose my mind, yeah...

Can't explain the pain that I feel,
Can all of this truly be real?
Grab a bottle to ease my mind,
Another shot...
And I'm feeling just fine...

Turned my back as you called my name,
Livin' proof that we all make mistakes, yeah...
Left you standin' out in the rain,
The memory drives me insane, yeah...

Cant explain the pain that I feel,
Can all of this truly be real?
Grab a bottle to ease my mind,
Another shot...
And I'm feeling just fine...

Another shot, another glass...
One more reason to erase my past...
Another shot, just one more time...
To memories..
Of what used to be mine!

(Guitar Solo)

Can't explain the pain that I feel,
Can all of this truly be real?
Grab a bottle to ease my mind,
Another shot...
And I'm feelin' just fine...

Yeah, I'm feelin' just fine...

Lord knows I'm just fine...

Cheers...

Finally had time to roughly sketch out the last part of the song... it's been an extremely frustrating and busy few weeks(not to mention one too many hangovers). As always, let the crits come rollin in, and show me your songs as well, I'll gladly crit!
Quote by flame843
My original intent was to put "...but never trust the French," but I didn't for fear of starting a flame war with some French UGER.


Quote by Funkbass796
why worry about that? They'd surrender immediatly.
#11
i enjoyed it, as you said the rhyme scheme was pretty elementary but sometimes songs need that to help enhance the flow. i like the images and i can picture this with a folky kinda vibe, in the vain of two gallants or something. i dunno, i liked it.
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#13
Yeah, working on the recordings as we speak... I have a few riffs thrown down, and I've been trying to find time to touch up on them.
Quote by flame843
My original intent was to put "...but never trust the French," but I didn't for fear of starting a flame war with some French UGER.


Quote by Funkbass796
why worry about that? They'd surrender immediatly.
#14
I really like it, like someone said, that one part is a little cliche, but one cliche for your first song is pretty good. There are people who have been writing songs for ages and they still write verses that are packed full of them. Good job.
#15
i like it. pretty good for your first song. 7/10. maybe 7.5 but its really good considering its your first. i really like this part though. the end of the chorus

Another shot...
And I'm feeling just fine...

i really like that. thanks.
That Cheap Fucking Smile Carries You To Bed

Those Lips Are Social Suicide But I Just Wanna See You Dead.
#16
warlock
sorry i havent looked at your song sooner, i love this, as i was reading it i heard music in my head, i was also compelled to read all of it, it has a story and it works all in all a damn good song and if this is your first song..WOW
Michael
#17
Can all of this truly be real?

is all of this actualy real?

mabey give it a try, i say try and stick with somthing you chose yourself though
#18
wow this is really good but i would make it a fast sorta punk rock song that would sound perfect to me
#20
Jesus, I lost track of this one... thanks again for the crits and djemboy, thank you for reviving this one...

BTW, GG, I tried the actually thing out... but the way the song structure is, truly just kinda fits better... thanks for the advice though, always good to try something different!
Quote by flame843
My original intent was to put "...but never trust the French," but I didn't for fear of starting a flame war with some French UGER.


Quote by Funkbass796
why worry about that? They'd surrender immediatly.