#1
Well, i've been listening to bad song writers lately, so this is the product of listening to that. I just felt like I had to post something.in here. Crit for Crit. get what you give. New job prevents me from getting back to you until tonight.


A body lay in the foilage.
His hands on her hips, his lips on her skin.
She'd been tied down, rope still on her wrists.
The strain in her voice from screaming his name.
No matter what she said it couldn't stop him.

Now she lay there wishing she'd die.
No longer clean she's ruined her life.
And I know that that is a lie.
But everyone hurts at some point in time.

Her story sounds a little rehearsed.
Her eyes tear up as she says the worst
Things that he did, how he tourtured her.
She begins to choke as she speaks of...

How she laid there wishing she'd died.
No longer clean she's ruined her life.
And I know that that is a lie.
But everyone needs attention sometime.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#2
The flow is a little off, what about some stronger rhyming and transitional words?

His hands on her hips, his lips on her skin.
No matter what she said it couldn't stop him.

That really doesn't work and the 'wishing she'd die' in stanza two is cliche. The repetition of the phrase in the last verse just adds to my despair.
#3
Thank you for the crit but waht do you mean by stronger rhymse? any more crits? crit for crit people
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#4
the first paragraph seems a little bit off and does not do justtice to the rest of the song, i really thought that

Now she lay there wishing she'd die.
No longer clean she's ruined her life.
And I know that that is a lie.
But everyone hurts at some point in time.

was an exceptional chorus but the repetition of that in "And I know that that is a lie." causes it to lose some momentum.

overall strong i'd just tinker with the first verse and the third line of the chorus