#1
This whole thing may not seem to go togther, but it does. Crit 4 crit. Leave a link please!

A empty room
Without any doors
A freed slave
Forced to do chores
A soul less island
Without any help
A beautiful angel
Burning in hell

I swear to god
I am still yesterday
Whatever it was
It came my way
Same act to portray
I am still yesterday

You are my resent
And my only reason
The days wont relent
With the new season
I am still in yesterday

I swear to god
I am still yesterday
Whatever it was
It came my way
Same act to portray
I am still yesterday


When I woke up I saw a figure in the corner
And I could not move and had trouble breathing
Oh **** no one is going to understand
This peculiar self centered metaphor
Just long story short I was still dreaming
#2
i like it
(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_('') aww


RATM_Rocha wrote:

I hate Gun"n"roses and i hate velvet revolver, there emo music, ew.


^ lmao wat a retard ^


Plan-C page
#3
You are my resent(doesn't really fit in)

When I woke up I saw a figure in the corner
And I could not move and had trouble breathing
Oh **** no one is going to understand
This peculiar self centered metaphor
Just long story short I was still dreaming

maybe use something of that length in the middle somewhere because after a song full of short verses etc...


link in sig
#4
Quote by ss311
You are my resent(doesn't really fit in)


Well I was trying to go with a little bit of irony there. Now I scatter of to your song.

You are my resent
And my only reason
#5
Quote by guitar?

A empty room
Without any doors
A freed slave
Forced to do chores
A soul less island
Without any help
A beautiful angel
Burning in hell
I don't like the word "chores" in line 4. As soon as I read it I was pulled out of context. "Chores" pushes forth a sense, to me, of "My parents make me do chores, I hate my life!" I understand you were trying to rhyme but maybe try a different word.

I swear to god
I am still yesterday
Whatever it was
It came my way
Same act to portray
I am still yesterday
Will critique the chorus later, when/if it fits with the song more.

You are my resent
And my only reason
The days wont relent
With the new season
I am still in yesterday
Change resent to resentment. Why? Resent is a verb, resentment is a noun. The problem with this verse is that it doesn't follow the same pattern as the first. You should use the same rhythm/meter and rhyme scheme, it helps your song flow. Otherwise a good verse.

I swear to god
I am still yesterday
Whatever it was
It came my way
Same act to portray
I am still yesterday
Ok, the chorus fits a little more now. Something happened yesterday, I assume, and I would think that it would be explained pretty soon here.

When I woke up I saw a figure in the corner
And I could not move and had trouble breathing
Oh **** no one is going to understand
This peculiar self centered metaphor
Just long story short I was still dreaming
Huh? What did I miss here, was a verse deleted? This verse has a few problems. Not only does it not follow the pattern of either previous verse, it doesn't make sense. When were you sleeping? What does a figure in the corner have to do with yesterday? Why did you break the fourth wall in lines 3 and 4? Don't write a song about something you don't want to write about.

This would be a good song if it weren't for the fact that it doesn't go anywhere. The last "verse" is incredibly jarring, I was expecting an expansion on the rest of the song and all I got was a half-witted excuse to end the song. Try changing it so that it explains what "yesterday" means to you. Otherwise you just have a song that goes nowhere and goes there poorly.

My song. Feel free to be as in-depth as I was.
Member #6 of the Agile LP over Epiphone LP Club. PM iamtehwalrus768 to join.
When it comes to flipping pancakes, it's better than burgers.
#6
I will get to your song in a second. But nothing happened yesterday. It is not a song that is in your face, like all other songs that I read. You will have to re-read it to understand it. And maybe even then you will not get it.
#7
Quote by guitar?
I will get to your song in a second. But nothing happened yesterday. It is not a song that is in your face, like all other songs that I read. You will have to re-read it to understand it. And maybe even then you will not get it.

I understand that it's not "in your face", that's part of what makes it possibly good. I'm just saying I don't think you should say something that doesn't mean anything at all. What do you mean by "I am still yesterday", do you mean that you're stuck in the past or something? Otherwise you really should change that line.
Member #6 of the Agile LP over Epiphone LP Club. PM iamtehwalrus768 to join.
When it comes to flipping pancakes, it's better than burgers.
#8
Quote by gogita21
I understand that it's not "in your face", that's part of what makes it possibly good. I'm just saying I don't think you should say something that doesn't mean anything at all. What do you mean by "I am still yesterday", do you mean that you're stuck in the past or something? Otherwise you really should change that line.


Hey, I hate just giving away meanings to my songs. But the end fits, trust me. And the yesterday part means more than just a time, but an idea of that time. Maybe that helped a little?


Edit: Another clue. Lets just say the piece as a whole is a metaphor. And then metaphor is a metaphor for something else. Okay.
Last edited by guitar? at Jun 14, 2006,
#9
i like songs that i dont fully understand, so i like this song a lot

i particularly liked the second verse (you are my resent...), however, didn't feel the chorus (i am still yestarday) last lines were a good ending


My song is: One Last Fight