#1
So here's a song I've had for awhile, and i really like it, but what do i know. comments and crit is appreciated! Crit 4 crit.


Bold


Stop fooling the world
with all your stunts.
That's all you are.

Take a look around
at what you're pretending to have done.
Look what's in store.

You may be bold
but we are daring to let our skin show
through all the brands
they use to cover up our voice, it's not our choice.
But we still plunge
into the shroom of broken lies, it's our demise.
The misty doubt is
clinging to my very lips, will you still listen?

To all the promises they make
though fragile glass it always breaks
but not our Yeshua who reigns
this very sleigh, he's in our viens
that pump blood through our bodies deep
and penetrate our hearts that keep
these air tight bottled hopes and fears
that ferment out through all the years

Make me break
through all the fake
advertising that makes me ache
For heavens sake
let's just take
our lives and open up, just open up.
Quote by madbasslover
haha
you actually made one! i salute you, burrito.

mmm bean rice and cheese. the best.
#2
Stop fooling the world
with all your stunts.
That's all you are.
i get what you're saying, but there is no noun previous that would pertain to what "you" is

other than that this is really great in my opinion. i especially loved the chorus man, so brilliant.
You may be bold
but we are daring to let our skin show
through all the brands
they use to cover up our voice, it's not our choice.

i like how at the end you just got fed up and let that out...gave a nice ending in my opinion.
#3
I agree with Ben.

The opening lines were a let down but the rest are a job well done.
#4
thanks for the comments guys.

ahh, yeah i know. i keep chaning my opening lines....i can't seem to find anything fits or sounds good. any suggestions on the type of lines that would fit?
Quote by madbasslover
haha
you actually made one! i salute you, burrito.

mmm bean rice and cheese. the best.
#5
I thought this was brilliant apart from the last stanza, as i feel it was a little bit too forced...or like you just flung it in there because it ryhmed =P
However it is actually brilliant , i enjoyed reading very muchluy and i think it is quite differant to what ive been reading up here in the great UG.
9/10
Crit mine? the link is in my sig
franz xxxxx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#6
into the shroom of broken lies, it's our demise. i personally don't like the word demise, not sure why . but other than that its pretty powerfull and i liked how it ended.
When the power of love conquers the love of power, the world will know peice- hendrix
#7
yeah, the "ending" is really an interlude part in between the chorus. i just didn't write it that way.
Quote by madbasslover
haha
you actually made one! i salute you, burrito.

mmm bean rice and cheese. the best.