#1
yeah so i just discovered these forums, so i decided to post some stuff and see what happened. this is a song that i have thats almost done, instrumentally and everything. there's just a few little pieces that need tweaked or finished. ill probably post another one that i like a lot tomorrow.


** intro riff **


So here I am
Im trapped again
and everyday, im trying
to escape, but the

days go on
go on and on
and on and on
and ooooo-hooon


so come on, just come on
and save me now, you've had
so many chances to
say hello

you might be king
and i know im not
but if you'd only look i know
you'd see me here

**I haven't quite gotten a piece i like here yet, it'll come to me **

so come on, just come on
and save me now
im right here, im right here
im waiting...


won't anybody rescue me
im trapped in disbelief
so easy just to ignore me
see what you want to see

won't anybody rescue me
im trapped in disbelief
its such an ugly place to be
and i know there has to be... more


** intro riff again **


yesterday
i had a dream
the same dream, that i have
every night, it seems like

everyone
wants me to be
something, that im not
something, that i haaaate


won't anybody rescue me
im trapped in disbelief
so easy just to ignore me
see what you want to see

won't anybody rescue me
you know im waiting for it
and im dieing for it
while you sit and ignore me!


**solo or some king of heavy riff. im gonna work this out after i record the rest**

* here it switches to clean *

(this part is sung 3 times while its clean, slower and mellower than while it was distorted)
so come on, just come on
and save me now, you've had
so many chances to
say hello


* switches back to distortion *

so come on, just come on
and save me now, you've had
so many chances to
say hello

come on, just come on
and save me now
im right here, im right here
come watch me waaaste... away
Last edited by bbsbass at Jun 20, 2006,
#3
excellent song. i love the repitition, it really works well with the lyrics. keep up the good work!
B.C. RICH
#4
So here I am
Im trapped again
and everyday, im trying

I like the flow but the follow up ruins it with to escape, but the

days go on
go on and on
and on and on
and ooooo-hooon
It sound slike you're trying to recreate early blink 182. I do enjoy the opening though, the escape part doesn't sound right. Use a thesaurus maybe?


Little moment of inspiration and I love it here: won't anybody rescue me
im trapped in disbelief
so easy just to ignore me

Otherwise, take it slow, go through it again and rewrite everything untill you feel it's everything it could be. Watch your spelling, dieing is actually of the spelling, dying.
#5
good i like the idea, but in the line "you might be king" seems a little trivial it doesn't do justice to the other parts. I really like the idea of a person trying hard to get noticed in the world and torturing themselves for a simple smile
#6
thanks for the comments. ss311, escape sounds really good there because it rhymes with everyday. i can see what you mean though. another possibility would be

and everyday, im trying to
break free, but the...

would that be more or less cliche? i could still get that to rhyme well so thats a bonus. plus thinking about it now saying 'break free' might actually fit with the later lyrics better than 'escape'. any ideas? or should i try to find something else to put in there?
#7
by the way, i just put up another song, "dont breathe," and id appreciate any comments on that one too. thanks
#8
Sorry but I cant say anything for either of your songs that hasn't already been said, but thanks for your crit
#9
this is a good song also but it sounds like your dieing to get a rhyme in the song but keep on trying
"It is better to burn out then to fade away"-Kurt Cobain

"Keep you friends close, but your enemies closer"-The GodFather Part III

? W T F ?
(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")

?^? ?(?¿?)? ?^?...put this guy in your sig
#10
haha thanks for the encouragement. ill go back through it and see if i can tighten it up at all
Quote by lefty_strat_str
Only buy guitars that have had their wood harvested from the north side of the tree, during the summer solstice, by virgin druids suffering from dwarfism. Next stupid question, please.
#11
This was a good song, the feel for it was helped by saying where the riffs would go, keep at it.

Please crit my song 'EVeryone has a story to tell'
#12
ahh, ty you have a point, mine was more like prose

wow, repetition is usually a great element in a song
your lyrics, i guess there's not much i can say except that theyr simple (in a good way), but you were clear and i like that, but spice them up a bit, i got the idea that the person's waiting to be noticed, but try to find more ways to express that idea
the way you stretched some words out... interesting =]
House: according to the philosophy of Jagger,
"you can't always get what you want"
cuddy: i looked up jagger. apparently
"if you try, you might just find, you get what you need"
huddy x]


Stalker.. much?
or
Runners High/Under the Sky