#1
Well, I've spent quite a while on this one and I'm thinking as to whether lengthen it. In all honesty, it's a 2 minute punk burst and I just want to get the point across. It's about the growing rate of inflation where I live and how we can't buy houses and I miss the days when I could buy Cola for 25 cents instead of 60. I dislike the word in brackets. Any suggestions?


We may seek the honey but it won't taste sweet

The producers are impeded by the rising heat

Typically melliferous displaying their own dilligence

These bees are overworked yet underpayed


We may find the nectar but the fragrance is all wrong

The pollen is infected and the product is a con

Unwillingly melliferous nor displaying any dilligence

These bees have shut up shop and will abstain from making more.


Fiscal Policy, the source of all this mess

Yet the High Queen Bee's officials somehow fail to address

The facts that really matter, the statistics that are true

Yet they bask in all the honey they have taken in from you


Let me stress that this is meant to be direct and fast.

Thanks to GreenFinger 182 for helping with the last stanza.
Last edited by ss311 at Jun 15, 2006,
#3
i like the rhymes but it´s a little bit short so i should try to lenght it. but i don´t like the theme of the song but ithink with the rhymes and god riffs it would be a good sounding song so well done.
#5
this is perfect length for a short punk song, so dpn't worry about lengthening it.
i really like the metaphor you used for the workforce. bees work well, and it gives the whole song a different element to it. kind of like, it effects everyone.
well done
Quote by madbasslover
haha
you actually made one! i salute you, burrito.

mmm bean rice and cheese. the best.
#6
Really like this.

Shut up shop and buzzed off? lol, I ws trying to keep in the bee theme there

But seriously, like this, was very nicely done.

Top stuff.
#7
WOW. Awesome for punk. I really enjoyed reading your lyrics =P
All good and punky.
9/10 dude! I love stuff like this.
Can you crit mine? The link is in my sig.
franz xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#8
i especially like the last verse, it's definately my favourite, but all the song is good. I like how you use the theme of bees instead of people too.
"If you want beef, then bring the ruckus." - Marilyn Monroe
#9
this was real good man, all in all it worked out perfectly besides that last line the second stanza. how about "Bees may be small, but still have defense"? hope you can find something that works, keep up the good work.
#10
how bout 'these bees have shut up shop and wont take it anymore'

that worked pretty well with the rythum i was singing it to and the way i was imagining the song. also, how about changing displaying to showing? at least in the second verse. The way i was singing it it seemed like there was one too many syllables crammed in there, and 'Unwillingly melliferous not showing any dilligence' fit a lot better.

other than that i like it a lot. my favorite part is

We may find the nectar but the fragrance is all wrong
The pollen is infected and the product is a con


crit my song 'waste me away' if you dont mind ok?
#11
I fit all the big words in well but it's a tongue twister, told ya it was fast

Thanks for the feedback, I'll get round to critting your work.

I've decided to change it to 'these bees have shut up shop and wont pay it anymore' referring to the taxes that will be explained in the next stanza as seen.

Thanks very much again.
#12
I like your stuff. It would be so easy to make a song about this subject by just saying it out right, but the way you've done it, you've made it interesting while still saying what you mean and keeping passion in it. And I like short stuff, so that's another plus.
Good job.
#13
Ok, immediately, i felt the rhyme was forced. But! Good use of vocabulary. Those are the two extreme ends of your piece. So, the diction is great but the rhyming is forced and you can work on it. I really liked the extended metaphor of the worker bees, i love metaphors and imagery (as you may have gathered 'cos i talk about it all the time :p

All in all, it's good,but it isn't my style and i think the longer words would be a terrible mouthfull to say,.
#14
Those words are a pain to get the tongue around. If you think about it, there isn't much rhyme anyway as it is just the first two lines in each of the first two stanzas and then go overboard on the third. I went to the extremes of slightly forced rhyme for it to work as a song but also to show that the song is about extremist measures. That bit was done for me though, it isn't like anyone could pickthat up.

However, I register your points and enjoyed your criticism since there isn't too much in the thread. I also noticed the praise, don't worry
#15
Well, you called my Little Engine That Could piece disgusting, but I always return crits so:
Quote by ss311
We may seek the honey but it won't taste sweet
The producers are impeded by the rising heat
Typically melliferous displaying their own dilligence
These bees are overworked yet underpayed

Quite frankly I enjoyed this. Usually I lean towards prose and lyrical poetry, but this appeals to me. I guess I can sort of relate, but mainly on the subject of gas prices. The first line was good, maybe a little cliched if you're talking to an english major, but otherwise a very good start for the song. The rest of the verse reflects and compliments the first line, and it's nice how you carry on the image of the worker bees who never get enough honey in the last line.

We may find the nectar but the fragrance is all wrong
The pollen is infected and the product is a con
Unwillingly melliferous nor displaying any dilligence
These bees have shut up shop and are on a (strike)

*Siren* BreeeeEEEEEPPPpppp Forced rhyme alert! "Oh my god it's a forced rhyme! Abandon ship!" "Where's my son?" "It's too late, jump!" "Oh my god the captain is dead!" Yes, that 'con' part is NOT good. "The product is a con." I like how you're saying that Nectar is work, and you find work even though the 'fragrance' is all wrong. Pollen is like the 'Man', in a sense. The big guy on top. I can understand what you're saying. But come on, the product is a con? Replace it. The last two lines are good, but all metaphors go to hell when you openly pronounce it a strike. I would recommend picking up some other phrase about the 'strike', something relating to bees. "These bees are through, through making their wax" (refering to beeswax, or course). Also, in this case, 'their' would be refering to the higher authority, but unfortunately it sounds like it's refering to something that actually belongs to them. Maybe 'through making his wax' would be better. But I'm getting off subject, this is about what you wrote.

Fiscal Policy, the source of all this mess
Yet the government officials somehow fail to address
The facts that really matter, the statistics that are true
Yet they reap in the benefits in form of tax from you

I'd really like to see this stay on the subject of bees, only because I think a lot of metaphors can be created in that way, and the two verses before it stayed on that subject. Here's my recommended change:

Fiscal Policy, the source of all this mess
Yet the Queen Bee's officials somehow fail to address
The facts that really matter, the statistics that are true
Yet they bask in all the honey taken in from you

Just my suggestion.



Overall a solid piece, but the metaphors cease to exist when you start trying to roughly accuse the government of financial issues. Personally, I think if you kept the metaphors through the last verse, the piece would be extremely solid. But if you feel the need to keep your accusations as they are, it's still a nice little piece.

8/10

-Michael

P.S. You left a 3-word review on my piece. Makes me wonder why I actually wrote this entire thing...
They say the old woman's got the wisdom
'Cause she couldn't read the clock anymore
She said "The numbers don't represent the moments"
Says she don't see what all the ticking's for
Last edited by Greenfinger182 at Jun 15, 2006,
#16
You just made that last stanza completely amazing! Thanks very much for such a long crit. However, your piece is disgusting

And I like the con part. It has the right sound to it and pays homage to a certain influence of mine.
Last edited by ss311 at Jun 15, 2006,
#17
very nice, i can tell you spent a long time on this song it gets the job done. keep it up
#18
Happy to be a helping hand.

But don't tell people to read my piece. I'm just going to get more death threats....
They say the old woman's got the wisdom
'Cause she couldn't read the clock anymore
She said "The numbers don't represent the moments"
Says she don't see what all the ticking's for
#20
The whole bee comparison is great. I like it, and dude it costs a lot more than sixty cents to buy a cola around here.
#2 member of the Bill and Ted fan club

"There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It lies between the pit of man's fears, and the summit of his knowledge. It is an area which we call ... THE TWILIGHT ZONE."
#21
haha first off soda cost slike a a dollar twenty five where i am now so i wish it was back at 60 cents. secondly about your song

The aabc rhyme scheme was an interseting choice for hte first stanza, i don't really know if i like it but it definately works.

"The pollen is infected and the product is a con"

I felt that the line was boring and the con/wrong rhyme seemed forced to me.

"Yet the High Queen Bee's officials somehow fail to address"

The flow seems awkward here especially compared to the line before it but i am guessing it's sung really fast and in which case i don't think it makes a difference. I didn't really like the high queen bee it was quite a mouthful to say and even just to read.


I didn't really like the last stanza for a few reasons. one you switched to an AABB rhyme scheme which makes me really enjoy the AABC rhyme scheme of the other stanzas. Not only that but the true/you felt very cheesey and i am pretty sure that is the part that you had help with because it seems a lot different than the rest of the piece.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#22
To be honest I had the AABB rhyming before the help part. I think I'll be changing it again as I see your point. I'll try by tonight I guess.

It all sounds good in the song and I personally like the con part even if noone else does, it is as I said before a secret reference of mine.
Last edited by ss311 at Jun 16, 2006,
#24
Dude this is an amazing song! Its an unusual topic to write about but even so its great!!

Alex (Untitled)
#25
Nice work, portrayed the message well, but with a nice comedy touch, kind of a cross between Blink 182 for the comedy, and NOFX for the political anger.

Please crit my new song 'EVeryone has a story to tell'