#1
Hey guys. This is a song about what im doing with my life, and at such a young age.. theres a christain veiwpoint in it, so try and guess what its actually about.
Im crit for crit, as always.
Franz xxx

Application on the table,
My hand scribbles down the pain
Forget my age - and what use,
Is my middle name?
No past convictions,
Except those in my heart
This is theatre - and i'll,
Play the sorry part

Remind me...why im here again,
Because i trust you, i trust you
Don't let me forget...

Lord
Let me forget myself
My hearts rebelling again..
Lord
Help me forget myself, forget myself, forget myself..


Application on the table,
my pen writes down no lies.
Ive been faking smiles - again
Or heaven knows iv'e tryed.
I kill the resistance,
To give to you - my heart
This is real life - and i'll
Play the obedient part..

Remind me...why im here again,
Because i love you, i love you
How could i forget?


Lord
Let me forget myself
My hearts rebelling again..
Lord
Help me forget myself, forget myself, forget myself..
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I'm now an official Franzaholic.


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#2
Ooh, first to crit.

Ok, i really liked this. There were little awkward bits that might do with some tweaking but nothing major and would probably depend on the actual music. Although i'm agnostic/atheist i like the theme and especially the chorus, although does not have anything standing out literally, would sound great as a powerful chorus. Good structure too. Sorry gotta go now but i might add more to this later. Bye.

Oh and here's mine, i'm not too sure of the rhythm on this amongst other things Anyhoo:https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=375729
#3
Interesting piece here, Franz. Seems much unlike you to write something like this. That's not too say it's bad though.

Is it about trying to forget things you've done, that are not criminal etc. but that you regret? I don't know, I'm pretty poor at interpreting songs

You know I like what you write, but this one didn't quite keep me as interested as your other pieces. Maybe the lack of upbeat attitude or witty lyrics were what disappointed me here.

It is a good piece mind. It does seem well written, and although the meaning goes over my head It is well worded, methinks.

Aaaanywho, I'm giving this a 7/10. I prefer your more lively pieces, yet this is still an above average piece.

And I apologise for the lack of crit. I really do. I'm quite busy at the moment

Good luck Franz, as always
#4
Thanks dudes. Yeah i know it isnt my best =P
Yeah part of it is about regreting something.
The rythm is pretty fast...loud...i dunno. I know it doesnt look like one but its a rock based song.

Il get to your songs asap!
franz xxxxxxxxx
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#6
Thanks AmplifySilence.
Its a song in progress so il bear what yall said in mind on the re-write =P
franz xx
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#7
Argh Dudes.
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#8
No past convictions,
Except those in my heart
This is theatre - and i'll,
Play the sorry part

This part is pure genious. It sounds really meaningful and straight from the heart. I can really relate to this song as it's a lot of what I'm going through too. Thanks for the crit on mine.

Oh and I'm going to be in Scotland for July and August Can't wait
#9
Quite splendid, however, it is not your best. It is oddly different thatn many of your songs. I get the meaning, obviously, and it works. It is mildly vague. For those who don't know you, you might want to make it a little more straight forward, unless you would rather keep it up in the air.

I is on, PM

OK now you can PM me
#2 member of the Bill and Ted fan club

"There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It lies between the pit of man's fears, and the summit of his knowledge. It is an area which we call ... THE TWILIGHT ZONE."
Last edited by Naffin at Jun 15, 2006,
#10
Thanks people =p
ss311; yeah, that bit really was the easyest part to write because it was from the heart, and enjoy Scotland!!

Naffin:the sig says it all, and thankyou.
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#11
There are some well thought out lines and interesting ideas, i enjoyed it very much, lots of feeling. I love the line "Or heaven knows iv'e tryed." don't know why but it sticks out to me, you sound quite the proffesional lol. Keep writing
"If you want beef, then bring the ruckus." - Marilyn Monroe
#13
Gosh, thanks guys, i wasnt expecting that!!

xx
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#14
its interesting. The one big thing i don't like about it is the christian veiwpoint. i probally wouldn't listen to it because of that reason. other than that the rhyming scheme was good, as was the word choice. so good job with that.
~gtrfrk


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RIP Roger "Syd" Barrett


"Let the good times roll"
#15
Interesting... I like the theatre metaphor you fit this into. I actually was right there with you understanding the feeling of the song, and for once its not a hugely angry song... keep up the good work, bro, and thanks for critting my song.
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#16
I always enjoy Scotland

Just re-read it and loved these three and the 'fake rhyme'
my pen writes down no lies.
Ive been faking smiles - again
Or heaven knows iv'e tryed
#17
Thanks dudes =P
And...fair enough if you didnt like the christain veiwpoint, thanks for reading anyways =D

franz xx
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#19
it's a strong peice and it really gets the reader to sympathize with the narrator. i really like how the narrator has to take a look at him/her self and how she inturn evaluates herself. good job very strong piece
#20
Thankyou people. I wasnt trying to get the reader to sypathise, but i suppose i got that effect.
Il get to all your works of lyrical awesomness soon as.

franz x
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#21
The main stand out part was just the prechorus' really liked them man, keep it up, 7/10, im only new to this writing business so it'll be a while before i come up with n e thing like that! But feel free to comment on mine
#22
I love this. It's so good and amazing- I'd definetly have to say it is one of my favorite songs I've read on here... It's a beautiful peice and you've captured just the right words and phrases to get people to stay attentive and keep reading.

Awesome job! I'd give it a 10/10
#23
Thanks =P
il get to yalls work asap. Franz
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#24
Quote by b.c.rich rules
amazing. just amazing.


I just realized how short of a crit that is! ok, here's a better one.

your song was amazing. the repitition in the chorus is awesome, and the christian viewpoint adds to the overall effect of the lyrics. great job.
B.C. RICH
#25
hahaha! S'okie, short and sweet!
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#26
..and to Drowning_Helena....thankyou, thats really sweet of you
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#27
really liked this, pretty much the whole thing cant really offer ne suggestions for changes, not too much wrong with it, great effort, 8/10
#28
Thankyou =p

franz xxxxxxxxx
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I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.