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#1
this is one of my first tries so it's not that good.

Emptiness inside
Not even anger still resides
Dread is pouring out
Leaving nothing there but doubt
Trembling on the surface
What is the suffering's purpose?

Hands begin to shake
And my legs begin to quake
Thoughts agitated
Feeling has disapated
A blurry gesture
My mind cannot sequester

Words are failing now
I desperately wonder how
It ever got this way
That I fear the very day
To the floor I drop dead
Could it all be in my head?

I'm not sure about the chorus, but I was thinking something like this:

I stand here in a hallway waiting
I fear what's to come
And I am debating
When it will be done
I realize there's nothing I can do
Nothing left to lose
My world's become a bomb
And time is the fuse
B.C. RICH
Last edited by b.c.rich rules at Jun 17, 2006,
#2
As far as I can remember your last one was nowhere near as good as this. This is a great immprovement concerning the topic and emotion. Well done, you're improving

Emptiness inside
Not even anger still resides
Dread is pouring out
Leaving nothing there but doubt

Although it's a strict rhyming scheme, you've improved a lot and I think it's only a matter of time before you start writing more freely. Well done.
#4
good job. make it longer.
~gtrfrk


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#5
hey man you crit mine so this is pretty good doesnt seem like you need any tips on writing
#7
hey thanks for criting mine. ive only been on these forums for 2 days so it made me feel good to get a comment

that being said, i like a lot of this song, but some of it seems like you're just trying to hard to rhyme. Sure, rhymings good... if it flows and seems for the most part natural. a prime example of this is 'A blurry gesture, my mind cannot sequester' personally i just cant see anyone actually singing that.

Overall there's a lot of positives here. Id say just dont be so stuck in rhyming. The rhythum and flow of the lyrics are much more important than constant rhyming. Its perfectly ok to have sections that dont rhyme as long as they dont break up the flow of the lyrics.
#8
Quote by bbsbass
hey thanks for criting mine. ive only been on these forums for 2 days so it made me feel good to get a comment

that being said, i like a lot of this song, but some of it seems like you're just trying to hard to rhyme. Sure, rhymings good... if it flows and seems for the most part natural. a prime example of this is 'A blurry gesture, my mind cannot sequester' personally i just cant see anyone actually singing that.

Overall there's a lot of positives here. Id say just dont be so stuck in rhyming. The rhythum and flow of the lyrics are much more important than constant rhyming. Its perfectly ok to have sections that dont rhyme as long as they dont break up the flow of the lyrics.


thanks I was hoping someone would say something about the rhyming. I know the "sequester" line is kinda weird, but rhyming is the easiest way for me to write lyrics and sequester isn't as cliche as some other things I could've said.
B.C. RICH
#9
yeah, hey trust me i know its easy to get stuck on rhyming. especially when you're just free-styling lyrics, because its the easiest way to get a definate form to your lyrics. I find my best songs are when i develop the lyrics and guitar parts together. That way they just sound natural together. Of course this is a process of days, weeks or even months.
Last edited by bbsbass at Jun 15, 2006,
#10
Not bad at all. I felt the lines "Trembling on the surface
What is the suffering's purpose?" were poor but he rest of it was fine. You had a good use of vocabulary and, as others have mentioned, the rhyme scheme was decent.

However, i find myself saying this over and over and over again and i simply cannot stress how effective it is in writing; metaphors and imagery. In order to add a lot more spice to your piece, use more metaphors and imagery. One of the reasons it's so effective is that it can make a cliched topic highly original. In fact, just about every topic is cliched because there are so many writers out there and almost all topics have been covered. For example, my song that you just critted for me is about death, a cliched theme, but by using imagery and metaphors i made it original init's own right.

Hope that helped, good luck.
#12
Seems like a poem not a song, I think it is decent. Again, it is vague as to the exact point that you wish to convey. However, it allows imagination to make up a story.
#2 member of the Bill and Ted fan club

"There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It lies between the pit of man's fears, and the summit of his knowledge. It is an area which we call ... THE TWILIGHT ZONE."
#27
yes i do here it is: im ****ing emo im gonna go smoke crack lets go listin to mychemical romance..i hate life i worship the devil hahahhahahhaha
#30
awsome I also loved the Ryhming(sp?) scheme but its on the short side but its still a great song all round 8.5/10!!
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#31
omg poopypants stop spamming, you´ll be banned real fast.
As for the poem, i think that the topic is a bit overused, but the thing that caught be by surprise was the way you rhymed and the way the poem fows. Use that and continue to search for other things you like writting besides emo.
You´re just outside
#34
just ****ing report that guy (poopypants), the world will be a better place without him.

as for the song, it doesnt matter if its emo or even if it isnt emo, thats not the problem here. the problem is that you provide only emotion, no substance, no tangebility (sp) to speak of, just raw (though very lackluster) emotion and that helps no one.

Heres my advice, drop all rhymescheme, just go free verse and work on line length and varying it. second, utilize similie through imagery(awesome rhyme by the by) and pure symbolism.

EX: lets take a couplet in your song/poem here:

A blurry gesture
My mind cannot sequester

through essentially masking this emotion within the image of say night stealing away a rainbow, though cryptic helps the audience by making them think, and allowing them to draw their own conclusions.

this is what i would change it:

Mirrored blades and mirrored stalks
Wrap themselves 'round the waves of art
A color stained into my closing lashes

isnt that a bit more powerful? and albeit more cryptic is, IMHO, more impactful to the audience

so ya, imagery and symbolism, mixed with a more free form style will help you immensly. However, for what it was, this piece wasnt that half bad
#35
like it, i agree with the first reply, the first 2 lines are real good, i like the verses, but i'm not sure bout the chorus, but thats really cos i dont know the rhythm, 9/10 for the verses tho, post up a revised version when u figure out your chorus,
#36
I can honestly say that I have never read a more original song lyric in my life.

This is beyond amazing, it's so far beyond it that it's nearly ****.

I'd really work on the old and re-used rock/metal metaphors and try sculpt something Mickey Angelo would be proud of.
#37
Quote by thepickups
I can honestly say that I have never read a more original song lyric in my life.

This is beyond amazing, it's so far beyond it that it's nearly ****.

I'd really work on the old and re-used rock/metal metaphors and try sculpt something Mickey Angelo would be proud of.


no comment
B.C. RICH
#38
I thought the rhyming was forced a bit, however, that doesn't really matter in the long run. You still got your message across in spite of that. It seemed like you maybe put more effort into certain lines than others. For example, in my opinion, the third verse was much stronger than the first, and some lines stood out more. Depending on what you're trying to do to the audience/reader/listener, that can be good or bad. Also, you had a fairly constant rhythm, but abandoned it in a few spots, like in the end of the second verse. It seemed a bit wierd. maybe see if you can think of some ways to even out the number of syllables. And don't worry about saying something cliched. Almost every great songwriter has had a hit with some cliched line or topic. And I really liked the second half of the chorus.
#39
Oh, and no it's not necesarrily emo. Lyrics don't define the style or genre of a song. The music does. If lyrics defined genres, both "Rape Me" by Nirvana and "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath would be emo songs.
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