#1
these are just the versus, i don't have a chorus yet but watcha think so far?
------------The Cell-----------
days of pain and intolerance
have slowly chewed me useless
leaving me ugly and fearfull
and remembering what you took
my expression has been melted,
my pride has been stolen,
still, i will not let you tear this down
and further push my decadence


i've been in here for so long
decaying and dieing inside
swallowing your lies
but i've grown tolerant
and when i finally crawl out
i will ram you down
and untill you wash your ego
i will hold you in the cell
When the power of love conquers the love of power, the world will know peice- hendrix
#2
Good start, my advice would to take away the "walking cliche's"/emoish like lines such as decaying and dying inside. Other than that I think you have a real good start, and you possesse nice imagery!
The Devil may.
#3
i like your descriptive words. it creates really good imagery and its a good way to keep your reader/listener interested in what you have to say.
its a great start for a song. when you come up with a chorus be sure to post it too! it'll be intersting to see where you go with this.

if you want to crit mine, that'd be sweet. gracias!

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=376797
Quote by madbasslover
haha
you actually made one! i salute you, burrito.

mmm bean rice and cheese. the best.
#4
days of pain and intolerance
have slowly chewed me useless

Doesn't really rhyme. Other than that watch out for the aforementioned(sp?) emo cliches but well done at conveying emotion and only bordering emo, hard to do these days.
#5
apart form the emo bits its rather good the imagery is brutal and to the point and the part about the cell at the end sugests a fate to come. me likey
#6
you critted mine so i feel obligated to, even though i don't need to say it this is pretty good. also i don't know if you really need a chorus to convey the message you wanted, i think it works out nice the way it is. i could see it working out to sound something like "something i can never have" by nine inch nails...really dark.