#1
Hey all, Brian here. Here is my new song called "What I Have... Become". This song is very personal to me and I hope that you all can understand it. Please leave your honest crits because thats what we are here for, honest crits. I would love to do a crit 4 crit if that is wanted. Here it goes.

(intro)
Don't wait for me,
I will find you.

(pre-chorus)
What is this, that I've become;
Cold-sweat shiver... the thought... so numb.

(verse one)
Rip through, the swelling scars,
Bleed the truth, of a dying past.
Aching bones, afflictive hint,
of who... I used... to be.

(pre-chorus with chorus)
What is this, that I've become;
Cold-sweat shiver... the thought... so numb.
Don't wait for me,
I will find you,
after I,
find myself.

(verse two)
Ransack my mind, destined for thoughts,
Seeking remains, lost memories.
Revive my life, from this post mortem,
Return to peace, that lived in me.

(pre-chorus with chorus)
What is this, that I've become;
Cold-sweat shiver... the thought... so numb.
Don't wait for me,
I will find you,
after I,
find myself.

(bridge)
Burn this leech, sucking my life.
Don't give up, strive for life.

(pre-chorus with chorus)
What is this, that I've become;
Cold-sweat shiver... the thought... so numb.
Don't wait for me,
I will find you,
after I,
find myself.

(outro)
Don't wait for me,
I will find you,
This life that I hold,
Is not yet through.
Quote by The Spoon
I hope i dont get sigged but whats a dike?


Quote by blakkin
Yet another problem that can be easily solved by violent incest.




With Fingers Sore
Last edited by drykilltrivhead at Sep 2, 2006,
#2
This is written in a very emotional and personal way. the emotional pain represented in these lines "Rip through, the swelling scars,
Bleed the truth, of a dying past.
Aching bones, afflictive hint,
of who... I used... to be." is extremely intense. I like the way you openly express such extreme pain. Also, the last two lines seem to present the idea of hope, im not sure if thats what youre going for but i like it as an ending to the song.


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=376796
#3
^^^ have to agree, the ending made me feel alot better... i love the way you wrote it... the alliteration on the bridge was awesome i think, somthing about it made me like that part alot.... also verse two... i got into that, totally understand it all.... Nice work brian.
#4
thank you very much nerualmart and stratchick, if you want i would love to crit your songs if you have any. Keep crits coming please. Also in the chorus i messed up by putting "what is that, that i've become" in actuallity it should be "what is this, that i've become." it is now edited though.
Quote by The Spoon
I hope i dont get sigged but whats a dike?


Quote by blakkin
Yet another problem that can be easily solved by violent incest.




With Fingers Sore
Last edited by drykilltrivhead at Jun 15, 2006,