#1
4:23A.M in the morning, I am writing, I don't know why, this was done in the little, NEW THREAD thing, so take it as a form of poetic venting and tell me what you think.

Enjoy guys, really do enjoy, enjoy this and life. and leave a link my babies.


A Night In June Or July

I keep speaking about you, or I should, you're wonderful. If I could consider this anything I would consider it a love letter. I've only known you for about a week. I feel like I did last summer on a night in June or July. When I met the girl falling from the same building I was, when I talked to her on her way down, I remember when I wrote that about her, and how she felt, when I read it to her. I feel like that now, like everything is binding together and working itself out. These names don't mean anything anymore anyway. They're symbols for everything that has failed, I can't look at the name, "Rachel" anymore without thinking of the girl I've loved more than anyone in my supreme existence of something that is nothing, and there are black holes where memories could have been, and worm holes where thoughts have been obliterated into billions of boiling gases that illuminate these empty spaces. They're dreams these days. These days, I long for a girl that is moving away to Chicago, or some place west of Ohio. These days I long for my best friend to tell me she loves me before she dies. These days, I meet people that live in Texas and Maryland and I fall in love with them before I know what they really are.

These days, I walk through nine superbly cut lawns, that stain my shoes that yellowish-green, that is hideous to look at, but lovely to think about. These days, I think about how often my work is ripped off and put on other poetry sites by nameless poets, that claim to be me. These days, I laugh at the critics that blame me for posting things that are too personal. I am a fucking open book. I have tried to commit suicide five times in the past two years. People cry when I tell them, I don't often, but they cry, and pray for me, and then I tell them I don't believe god exists, and they cry some more. I have millions of regrets, for each second I write, for each second I breath, I'm not living. I'm wasting my life writing down what I already know. I document my feelings so I can never forget how miserable I was, how happy I could be and how hopefull I always will. Things like this never change, the paste mistakes we've made, I regret because that makes me human. I breathe, eat and fuck the deffination of change. I am my own worst enemy, next to spell check. I am nothing but a hopeless romantic, and an angsty teen, which makes me more angsty because I realize what I am in a world full of interchanglable cliches. Pixels, morphine, clouds, rain, blood, knifes, opium, licorice, veins, these are what I see when I see myself, I do not do drugs, I've never tasted opium in my life, but for some reason I feel it is apart of me. I have never lifted the stone off of the nails that have punctured the hands of the girls I've loved. They've crucified themselves to try and save me but in the end, I'm not worth saving, only loving.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#2
I thought the writing itself was pretty ****ty. Nothing combines, nothing contrasts, it's just writing, no depth. But; there is a lower layer of catching emotion in there somewhere, and I ****ing feel it alot.

I can really relate to this in loads of ways. This part especially,

I breathe, eat and **** the deffination of change. I am my own worst enemy


It sums me up and I hate that you feel that too.

I'd change the ending to leave it just here,

They've crucified themselves to try and save me


So it leaves it floating, but if you changed that; you might as well change it all, beucase I think it's pretty ****.

But at least it's honest and hard hitting, and life's like that sometimes.

All in all, ****ty writing but reachable emotional wise.

I just don't see why you post here though, and I know you cover that in this piece, but it's just ****.

There isn't too much point in posting this kind of stuff becuase hardly anyone can help you do anything "technical" with it. It's not a technical piece, it's just another piece. It needs no technicalities but itself, that's technical enough.
Last edited by thepickups at Jun 16, 2006,
#3
I don't think it's ****ty.

I really...really really liked this man.

It's got a stream of consciousness vibe too it, and I can relate to the late night writing...but It doesn't come off as off the cuff as you may think. Especially the 1st stanza, I loved it, and can relate as well. I also kind of liked how the title of this peice relatates to your user name.
It doesn't matter what this is, and you don't need any sort of structure...it's just writing, and this peice defines what that is...writing, it doesn't have to be anything more...But I can tell there is alot of meaning in this to you, and i'm sure it'll mean alot to others.

If you could check out my latest, Crease The Corners, in my sig, I'd appreciate it.
#4
Pretty strong stuff.

I have to agree with some of the things the others have said.
Quote by thepickups

There isn't too much point in posting this kind of stuff becuase hardly anyone can help you do anything "technical" with it. It's not a technical piece, it's just another piece. It needs no technicalities but itself, that's technical enough.


I'd actually agree wit that, I don't think there is really any crit we can give on hugely emotional pieces like this.

Quote by Keegs22

Especially the 1st stanza, I loved it, and can relate as well. I also kind of liked how the title of this peice relatates to your user name. It doesn't matter what this is, and you don't need any sort of structure...it's just writing, and this peice defines what that is...writing, it doesn't have to be anything more...But I can tell there is alot of meaning in this to you, and i'm sure it'll mean alot to others.


I'd also agree with that.

I can't say much myself, really, other than I felt it was really strong, and it was the emotion in it that made it really stand out. You really do have a skill of showing your feelings. Good stuff.
#6
Quote by Ibanez_4
its to long i didnt read it


Read mine, it´s short and sweet


Edit- Btw Thepickups: you are so honest, i love that man.
And it´s true, it´s preaty ****.
Seen better of you somethingvague, one day when you strip yourself of the adorns you put on your writing and start filtering what´s really important to yourself, that day i´ll fully critique you pieces with all the respect and love you´ll deserve.
You´re just outside
Last edited by LuvMAze at Jun 16, 2006,
#7
Their right really. Its just expressing what you feel without adding any lyrical elements to it. Its kind of an interesting read just to dive into the life that is matt. but theirs no critiqueing to do. Obviously you can write sentances, :P so interesting, but not much else to say id like to here your take on my recent matt the twenty four hour one in my sig if you have time

-Mike
#8
My friend just overdosed on prozac, so I'm going to be at the hospitol for the next few days.

Sorry about not critting, I have a lot of stuff going through my head.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#9



A Night In June Or July

I feel like I did last summer on a night in June or July. When I met the girl falling from the same building I was, when I talked to her on her way down, I remember when I wrote that about her, and how she felt, when I read it to her.

That part I loved. Alot.

I don't know how I feel about this piece though, I love your simplistic writing, but this was still weak in my opinion. I did enjoy it, but compared to everything else you've written this doesn't compare very well.

I'm bad at giving crits these days.

edit - Sorry to hear about your friend too, Matt.