#1
I'll explain myself if anyone asks, just please dont call this emo. in fact I'll explain myself tomorrow as I issue a temporary retirement. Anyway, this is a freewrite, not polished at all and I dont think i want it to be, its 3:45 am and I'm exhausted and this is the culmination of my feelings towards writing and the various conversations that Pixiefanyo and friends have been having. this is probably absalute crap but I'll edit it (or delete the thread) soon.

My Father is Dead and He Was My Sanctuary


Blurred clover pass over honey-coated lashes,
Eyes wrap around soft moist towelette,
Out of my bag, ink drips a shadowy picture,
Cradled through the beads of a lustful moment
With inspiration

And this is what I wrote while I rode that Great Dane to my conclusions,
This is what dripped out of my ink:

?how many days ?till Sunday?? I wonder aloud. ?how many days to go??
She just sits there with a blank stare though for
Eveything is so different when your moving at different speeds
Different frequencies of wavelength


But no. Just no.
I just scratched it out.
Just wrong secrets to a writer?s heart,
just false emotives sprawled by pity
To the readers intentions,
No more nor less, that?s all it was
And now its scratched out because
I never wanted it to suffer me.
So why can I still feel the tremors?
The trembling clover are upturned.

But if I were
Indisposed to language,
This would be my lasting mark:

?how many days till Sunday? How many days till I return to sanctuary, because its o so scary where I am now, tilling the seeds of definitions of art.?


I don?t know art, so goodbye,
I?m off to find my sanctuary
As I don?t think I can confront life without it. O
Why can?t I fucking know myself well enough to not need it?
?
Sanctuary? Where are you?
?

You know that feeling where your dad is driving you around late at night in the Volvo and whenever you see a streetlight you squint so that it looks like a star and you feel like you never want it to end?
?
My father is dead.
?
Goodbye and Goodnight

Last edited by #1 synth at Jun 16, 2006,
#2
I can imagine My Chemical Romance singing that, is that what you were going for?
#4
Yeh he's a huge fan

You know I'm a simple guy, I don't offer really constructive crits on ppieces in this style becuase, simply, it goes over my head, meanings just seem difficult to find and I usually don't understand them

Which is why I have before commended you for still managing to attract my interest to your pieces. Your use of flow, rhyme, metephor and all other techinqiues are, in my book, second to none. It is because you allow me to enjoy your writing without needing to understanding meaning why I envy your skills so much.

Stanza's like this:

But no. Just no.
I just scratched it out.
Just wrong secrets to a writer?s heart,
just false emotives sprawled by pity
To the readers intentions,
No more nor less, that?s all it was
And now its scratched out? so
Why can I still feel the tremors?


Even if you yourself, or others of similar writing capability may find something wrong with something techinical about it, I believe it is great to read out aloud. the wording is just superbly chosen, emotion can be felt with the "just no"s and the sounds of each line just seem to blend to perfection.

Like I said, I can't crit pieces like this, so I won't give this a so and so out of ten. I can only say that your writing is some of the best on the forum, to any level of reader. And whatever this "temporary retirement" is, I do hope you know how much this forum appreciates your writing
#5
I love it. MCR don't have the capability of something like that. It's touching.
#6
*edited mildly*

heres my story: this piece speaks the truth, I have no idea how to create satisfaction anymore, I've come to find that I dont know how to create art and I believe that will only come with experience, I write fine sure, hell I've even been able to compare some of my symbolism and original internal rhyme to the late greats such as yeats and blake. However, none of it means anything and now I'm brought to question anything I'm ever written and to the dilemma, if I write anything meaningful to me, its crap and if I write anything for other people its not really me. So this is my resignation from S&L for about a month and a half as I'm going to Istanbul for all of July and hopefully it will inspire me to be meaningful. I might post one or two more before i leave but w/e.

O, and 'Father' is symbolic for something other than comfort.
#7
just because I was falsely banned does not give you the right to protest the system by not giving me any crits. so please, please, just give me your thoughts.

O, and I Jammydude
#8
I thought it was a beautiful piece, it doesn't sound emo to me at all... You always paint a picture with you're wide vocabulary... a good metaphor with the second stanza. Are you using "Father" as a symbolization for inspiration?

This stanza was my favorite, simple yet, effective...

But no. Just no.
I just scratched it out.
Just wrong secrets to a writer?s heart,
just false emotives sprawled by pity
To the readers intentions,
No more nor less, that?s all it was
And now its scratched out because
I never wanted it to suffer me.
So why can I still feel the tremors?
The trembling clover are upturned.

Overall I liked this piece... I wouldn't change a thing
It is sad that you believe you're writing isn't meaningful....

I hope you find the inspiration you are looking for during you're trip...

please crit my new piece "Neutrality" link is in my sig
#9
I loved the final image. LOVED it. As for all your doubts and all that, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Especially comparing yourself to others. If you do that, then you'll just find yourself trying to be others. So be yourself and forget abour "art" or comparison. Critics are the ones who tell us what we make is art, and they are the ones that compare. We just write.

You better come back to vote for WotM...

Rock On
Newest Lyrics:
[url="http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=727775[/url"]Pattern Recognition

Short Stories:
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#10
Mate you sound like you need that holiday. I am picturing your head being the size of a huge water melon at the moment. So when you get to Istanbul just ask a pleasant pretty local to shove a straw in the side of your head and get sucking.

This is a great piece of writing and you are blessed with talent so go and relax and don't let a little goblin tell you any different.

Time is well on your side and you'll find purpose in your being/writing.

Cheers Dylan
#11
That sounds like a plan to me my friend. It will help you a lot. However, judging from this piece alone i would say you don't need it, what you were saying about your other pieces may have been true but not with this one. This i felt was personal to you and was heartfelt, and that's all i really need to say about it. The simple truth is that when you feel strong emotion, there is no need for a script.
Excellent work.

Can you look at mine in my sig? Thanks.

Oh, and good luck on your "journey of enlightenment"
#12
It was a little too childish for me in places, and I know it needs to be in a way so that you can get your point across, but this part just didn't work for me:

You know that feeling where your dad is driving you around late at night in the Volvo and whenever you see a streetlight you squint so that it looks like a star and you feel like you never want it to end?


It's too addressed. It's too close to the reader for such an emotional piece, you shouldn't be asking them to remember this, you should just be telling them, and i'd do it in a more original mannor too.

But the piece as a whole was strong.

Quite different and some good repetative ideas, all i'd do is maybe tidy it up yourself and also get that other part and re word it.

There's your crit that I owed.

I have a piece up if you haven't already commented.

And why were you banned? Was it the elim thread?


heres my story: this piece speaks the truth, I have no idea how to create satisfaction anymore, I've come to find that I dont know how to create art and I believe that will only come with experience, I write fine sure, hell I've even been able to compare some of my symbolism and original internal rhyme to the late greats such as yeats and blake. However, none of it means anything and now I'm brought to question anything I'm ever written and to the dilemma, if I write anything meaningful to me, its crap and if I write anything for other people its not really me. So this is my resignation from S&L for about a month and a half as I'm going to Istanbul for all of July and hopefully it will inspire me to be meaningful. I might post one or two more before i leave but w/e.


Just relax. Don't write if you don't want to.
Just leave it and have some fun in the ghetto that is Istanbul.
Last edited by thepickups at Jun 19, 2006,
#14
^ which is more than I can say for you.

As for the freewrite, I can't say I cared for the non-italictized parts. The "no, just no" sounded really out of place, but I liked the Volvo/driving image. Yeah, I'm not that helpful. Have fun in Istanbul, don't get avian flu.
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed