#1
Heyya guys/girls...it's me again.

This here is a bit of a jumble aswell, a couple seperate ideas I had that go together a bit better than others, so I though I may as well give it a shot.
If there's anything I ought to shorten or remove or change...let me know! I'd appreciate anybodys thoughts and crits on this, since its fairly rough, and I'll be sure to get back to on whatever it is you've been working on, just drop a link or song title.

Thanks!


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Crease The Corners (Future Reference)


Sometimes it?s fun to make it hard for yourself
Ease the guilt and raise the stress
For what really builds character ?
You ?know? it?s easy, but I think
You?re wrong.

?And all the worlds a cage (get it, Shakespeare?)
Just be lucky at this stage
If you?ve
Found the key.


Enjoy the colors that you can?t see
Fish for the feeling that is hard to feel
Waste all the commodity that you can?t build
Because it?s only up to you to decide what?s real.

*

She?s hard to figure out
I can?t decipher what you don?t accept
There?s imagery in everything
Here, there?s not even a doubt.


Feeling burdened by this knowledge and the unjust lack of knowing
It?s gone so reversed and twisted, although it?s not showing
All these problems need mending
And these scrapes need sewing.


Even through thoughts of delusion,
Though feel free to interject,
To trample on our illusions
Will soak up a lifetime in regret

*

We put a certain label on things that help us through this life
This name tags a bit too small
And this aura?s either a bit too dull
Or maybe just engulfing a bit too much of your space.

If you build your own little world, encompassing your life
You?ve gotta see, that when you remember it?s not more than
Wasted mentality, oh I know, it?s going to feel like you died.


...And oh, how you?re gonna laugh.


I saw you trip but I don?t think
You knew you fell... You see
You?re looking for a rope made of thin air

Yeah, you?re glimpsing at your belated future
And your face
Is painted
Pale.
#2
?And all the worlds a cage (get it, Shakespeare?)
Just be lucky at this stage
If you?ve
Found the key.

awesome!
B.C. RICH
#3
?And all the worlds a cage (get it, Shakespeare?)
Just be lucky at this stage
If you?ve
Found the key.


We put a certain label on things that help us through this life
This name tags a bit too small
And this aura?s either a bit too dull
Or maybe just engulfing a bit too much of your space.


Nice..great lines.
Indigo,
Indigoing,
Indigone.
#4
I liked it, but the language you use gets kind of dull, especially with such a long piece. Some rhymes seemed really forced here and there. But holy crap, everything after that last asterisk was great. Made the whole thing worth it. Loved that part. Overall, I think you should spice it up a little more, a mixture of simple language and forced rhyming is never a good mix (well, forced rhyming is never good, period). You may have been able to pull off the simple language had you not forced the rhyming. But yes, nice overall.
#5
Cool, thanks! Yeah I agree, I actually added a line or two last minute and i'm not really happy with them, because I noticed some of that forced rhyming, and since I see that someone else has seen it, i'll deff try and revise a bit.
#6
The last line on the third stanza is far too long. Just pointing that out. You shouldn't have put in the link to Shakespeare - if the reader's figure it out for themselves, that's the best, but you look like you're tryin' to promote your own intelligence there.

Otherwise it's pretty good. Nice ideas, and an interesting mix of structure.