#1
This is a kind of grunge-ballad I wrote about a week ago. My band's still arranging it, but I could use some feedback on the lyrics:
______________________________________________________

There?s a white rose in the waiting room
The smell of your sweet perfume
There?s a dead boy inside of me
Something that you will never see

And you see the smile on my face
But avoid the darkness in my eyes
Yes, you see the smile upon my face
But avoid the anguish behind my eyes

There?s a broken promise
Everything between of us
There?s an angelic ignorance
A thousand words within a glance

And you see the smile on my face
But avoid the darkness in my eyes
Yes, you see the smile upon my face
But avoid the anguish behind my eyes

There?s nothing left for me
Everything was in my eyes
I guess that in the end
Some of us were born to die
There?s nothing left for me
Everything was in your eyes
I guess that in the end
I was only born to die

What was I worth to you?

And you see the smile upon my face
But avoid the anguish behind my eyes
Yes, you see the smile on my face
But avoid the darkness in my eyes

I look at you across the room
More beautiful than any moon
I know you?re just ignoring me
Playing with my insecurities

And you see the smile on my face
But avoid the darkness in my eyes
Yes, you see the smile upon my face
But avoid the anguish behind my eyes

It?s not okay
I?m not okay

_____________________________________
Thanks for reading. I'll read yours.
#3
Yeh this wouldn't go down as grunge, I don't think.

My main problem was the rhyming. It was pretty simle and basic, and, to be honest, toally boring. The worst part went:

face
eyes
face
eyes
me
eyes
end
die
me
eyes
end
die

The rhyming also seemed extremely forced, and it really did ruin the piece for me. 6/10 at best.

Try the lyrics tips thread for help, it is quite helpful
#4
Uh, thanks, but its not really emo. Just because something is dark or depressing doesn't make it emo. I'm sure that's something everyone who writes something can realte to (unless of course you do write emo stuff...). Lyrics don't define what style something is. The music does. At least it does with my songs. And I appreciate the thing about the rhyming. I'll take it into consideration. But in the places you pointed out (the chorus and bridge) rhyming wasn't my primary concern.
Last edited by Geekis_Khan at Jun 16, 2006,
#5
There?s a white rose in the waiting room
The smell of your sweet perfume
There?s a dead boy inside of me
Something that you will never see

^The last two lines need to be reprased or re-writen. The ryhming is a little elementry here too, but all in all its the song is flowing good just a little awkwardly.

And you see the smile on my face
But avoid the darkness in my eyes
Yes, you see the smile upon my face
But avoid the anguish behind my eyes

^Could use some reprasing here too. I dont like how it flows.

There?s a broken promise
Everything between of us
There?s an angelic ignorance
A thousand words within a glance

^I really like this part, while almost bordering on cliche' it comes across as anything but that, nice.

And you see the smile on my face
But avoid the darkness in my eyes
Yes, you see the smile upon my face
But avoid the anguish behind my eyes

There?s nothing left for me
Everything was in my eyes
I guess that in the end
Some of us were born to die
There?s nothing left for me
Everything was in your eyes
I guess that in the end
I was only born to die

I'm not to fond of the born to die part, it sounds like a catchprase that would be on like a emo bands shirt or something, lol. Your keeping a good sturdy flow and the song and staying on subject matter, which is good.

What was I worth to you?

And you see the smile upon my face
But avoid the anguish behind my eyes
Yes, you see the smile on my face
But avoid the darkness in my eyes

I look at you across the room
More beautiful than any moon
I know you?re just ignoring me
Playing with my insecurities

The last two lines where bliss. I'm not fond of the second line though it just doesnt sound right to me.

And you see the smile on my face
But avoid the darkness in my eyes
Yes, you see the smile upon my face
But avoid the anguish behind my eyes

It?s not okay
I?m not okay

With some work I feel like you could have yourself a very decent piece, just work on a few things; reprashing, staying away from cliches, and youve done it! One question though, do you listen to Nirvana, because whenver i first started writing I was listening to Nirvana so all my early work was reflective of work like this?
The Devil may.
Last edited by ShaneTheMan at Jun 16, 2006,
#6
^Also dont listen to people like Ibanez 4 they say stupid things which make them sound like assholes, just write and enjoy it! Also like Jammy said check out the lyric tips they are useful.
The Devil may.
Last edited by ShaneTheMan at Jun 16, 2006,
#7
Thank you, ShaneTheMan. I've thought about changing the line "More beautiful than any moon," myself. Now I know it's not just me...

I'm not a big Nirvana fan, but as it turns out, I listen to them a lot right before I start writng (not on purpose, but I usually hear something that inspires me). "Heart-Shaped Box" in particular has gotten my mind moving a lot. Marilyn Manson is also someone I listen to a lot before I write.
#8
Oh, lol, Guess I was half-right then, PM message me the newer version somewhere down the road and Ill graciouslly crit again. When writers come together, NOTHING CAN STOP THEM! Also hit my song up, I wanna see what you think!
The Devil may.
Last edited by ShaneTheMan at Jun 16, 2006,
#9
yeah the 'more beautiful than any moon' line isnt very good. the rhyming sounds extremely forced. also, how many people, when they think of something beautiful, have a moon come to mind? lol i dunno, maybe people do. i dont. but the forced rhyming's the important thing. there are a few other places too where it just feels like you're more worried about the rhyming than about getting your point across.
#10
Quote by ShaneTheMan
^Also dont listen to people like Ibanez 4 they say stupid things which make them sound like assholes, just write and enjoy it! Also like Jammy said check out the lyric tips they are useful.

yes im an asshole
#11
cliched. but i spose not too bad if your a beginner. are u?
there are doors that open
there are doors that dont

A recent study shows that 8% of teenagers listen to nothing but music with guitars in it. Put this in your sig if you're one of the 92% who aren't close-minded morons.
#12
Yes, I'm already throwing around alternate lines for the "Moon Line"

But could someone that thinks the rhyming is forced give me an example? I thought I was tending to the idea before the rhyming. An specific example would help me see what you mean. (Please don't bring up the chorus. I wasn't trying to rhyme there at all, Which is why it's "rhyming" the same words with each other.)
#13
I think it was more th AABB rhyme scheme. AABB does limit your word choice as you try to rhyme. I would suggest maybe trying to be more inventive with your rhyme scheme on your next piece. Hey, you don't even have to rhyme if you don't want to
#14
its not the rhyming id be concerned about its the lack of originality
there are doors that open
there are doors that dont

A recent study shows that 8% of teenagers listen to nothing but music with guitars in it. Put this in your sig if you're one of the 92% who aren't close-minded morons.
#15
I liked the song and found the overall idea awesome- the title inparticular caught my eye! But um... as others have said I didn't like the overuse of "eyes" and "face" I don't know... I think it was too much- but other then that, I liked it