#1
this is the first fragment. it was the first thing i wrote out of writers block. yeah i know it sounds emo but its what i wrote down. (wrote while listening to the album elephant by the white stripes)(no chorus).

trying to find the words to describe what im feeling
its nothing and everything at the same time
sometimes i wonderif im just dreaming
everything i do even breathing is a crime

its being lonely in a sea of people
the night is cold and this life is old
the more i escape the more it gets deeper
its sitting back and watching yourself grow old

when you need someone to hold
you just cant do what youre told
before you watch my rebirth
i have to leave this earth

i really need help to wake up
cause this alarm clock isnt enough
9 sleeping pills and a bottle of whine
give me the proper over-dose and i'll be fine

the reason why you coudnt describe it
is cause this feeling is exclusive youve never felt it
my thoughts and memories escape me
just like you and everyone else hates me


fragment number 2 has no written chorus but has a full guitar part to it including a chorus riff (song and guitar riff made at same time). i recorded this song (which i wrote about 3 hours ago) on a tape recorder.

(not sure if i should remove part thats underneath)
speak to me
speak to me
breath on me
breath on me
you left me

there's just so many words
that were never said
theres just so many thoughts
stuck inside my head
i never looked back on that day
the day you walked away
but theres something you should know
i'm still here, but please just go

(where chorus should be)

there has to be more
to this tale of forevermore
but i just cant seem
to fall asleep and dream
i just need one more chance
to look into your eyes
to see if im still there
but i wasnt there, thats no suprise!


crit please
Last edited by Shadowz_at_Dawn at Jun 16, 2006,
#2
There's some good stuff in here and i actually think i like the first fragment better. The only thing i suggest is to try and get different words to rhyme. I know it's difficult when you have the idea just the way you like it but give it a shot and it may come out even more solid.

For example the line "the night is cold and this life is old" seems kinda like a filler and the inner rhyme takes emphasis away from the end. by changing this line you won't be rhyming old with old and you'll bring the quality of the phrase up a great deal. maybe you could continue with the line above "its being lonely in a sea of people" which i thought was a very descriptive line. Anyway good job
#4
Quote by Final
Read them FAQs and rules, and then you can go ahead and delete this.

i did. and im not doing anything wrong. and if i was this thread would have already been deleted. this thread is about 2 fragments not 2 songs.
#5
Hmm. . . If you really read the rules, you would have read this. . .

Quote by jallas

THREAD TITLES
For some reason, you people do not understand this rule. Your subject header must have ONLY the title of your song or work of writing, with the option of including the genre in brackets. No ?PLZ CRIT,? no ?I really need help with this,? no ?this if my first song,? NOTHING. SUBJECT HEADER. TITLE ONLY. If your title is wrong, your thread is closed. It?s quite simple, really.


Final > You

Don't argue.