#1
Hello once again, S&L! Hah. Well, here's a rough draft of something I've finally managed to almost get together...open to any critique, I'll be happy to do crit for crit if you'd like...Please use constructive crit only as I know this isn't the best. :3
(Also, this is only a temporary title as I can't really think of anything right now.)
-----------------------------------------
Silver Consequences?

Cold steel around her neck
Hollow chains, the masquerade
Link up to her, powerplant
She is the shameful parasite.

Force, it binds them-
The hate forms marriage
Torment, tormentor
Torture and pain

Set the key atop the lock
Her escape, a mirage
Amuses you, laughter cruel
Stolen away in lifeless bondage

Watching, the Master falls to his knees
His weakness is torched,
lonliness aflame
Paper ashes sanction his mind

The chains now belong to him
Worn in disgrace, mangled and twisted
Captor of the heart
An echo, the clink, deserving memory.

As one, the sorrow
Metal binds, heart and karma
Cold links rusting, never touched
The lock is secured, tightly bound...
Silver consequence.
----------------------------
Voila. Basically the classic (Well not so much but hey) story told in words of a one-sided relationship...Something I viewed and wrote about...
Well, here you go!

FinestImagery
...Gott weiss ich will kein Engel sein...
Last edited by FinestImagery at Jun 17, 2006,
#2
This is like something i read awhile back... it mightve been by you..not sure. What can i say really? Its pretty perfect & i love your choice of your words in this. Its sets a picture in your mind thats pretty clear... & at the end "silver consequence," those words are magic dude. keep it up... im gonna look at your other ones too this one's MAD!!
Quote by Lord_Of_Dance.

I never understood why a girl would take a boner as a bad thing "Oh no, your attracted to me, you sick wanker." :\ x


Quote by Nelsean
Im saying this the straightest way possible, but...

I'd have sexual intercourse with your anus.
#4
ill give it 8/10 sorry my crits so long but so very short

Cold steel around her neck
Hollow chains, the masquerade
Link up to her, powerplant
She is the shameful parasite.
No ryming but you still made it flow, well done

Force, it binds them-
The hate forms marriage
Torment, tormentor
Torture and pain
Im sorry but i dont like the nonrhyming but its your song this verse didnt seem to flow very well

Set the key atop the lock
Her escape, a mirage
Amuses you, laughter cruel
Stolen away in lifeless bondage
_A_A rhyme scheme, haven't seen that yet

Watching, the Master falls to his knees
His weakness is torched,
lonliness aflame
Paper ashes sanction his mind
leave the rest the way it is i like it

The chains now belong to him
Worn in disgrace, mangled and twisted
Captor of the heart
An echo, the clink, deserving memory.

As one, the sorrow
Metal binds, heart and karma
Cold links rusting, never touched
The lock is secured, tightly bound...
Silver consequence.
#5
It's quite nice, strong imagery, but some of the rhythm I found a bit clumsy

Set the key atop the lock
Her escape, a mirage
Amuses you, laughter cruel
Stolen away in lifeless bondage

This part. Im not sure though, it might just be me.

But overall it's pretty good
According to BS statistics, 92% of teens have moved on to rap. If you're among the 8% who doesn't consider rap to be real music, donate your brains, as you clearly aren't using them.
#6
Quote by raise_the_dead
It's quite nice, strong imagery, but some of the rhythm I found a bit clumsy

Set the key atop the lock
Her escape, a mirage
Amuses you, laughter cruel
Stolen away in lifeless bondage

This part. Im not sure though, it might just be me.

But overall it's pretty good


+chuckles+ Thanks much for the returned crit! I would just like to point out (for anyone else, haha ) that the use of the word "bondage" is not meant to be in any way "sexual" (some people would thing, eh?), but to describe how she cannot get out of the "relationship".
Thanks again!^^

FinestImagery
...Gott weiss ich will kein Engel sein...
#7
Very dramatic and classic - I like it! You've used fairly simple language but there's some heavy underlying emotional connection here. It's hard to describe but it's definately a good thing. The rhythm you've created is good, but I agree with raise_the_dead. Something doesn't flow in this part:

"Set the key atop the lock
Her escape, a mirage
Amuses you, laughter cruel
Stolen away in lifeless bondage"

Overall though- 6.5/10 (I'm a hard judge so consider this a good score )
The below is false.
The above is true.

*world implodes*
#8
Quote by punkman_123
Very dramatic and classic - I like it! You've used fairly simple language but there's some heavy underlying emotional connection here. It's hard to describe but it's definately a good thing. The rhythm you've created is good, but I agree with raise_the_dead. Something doesn't flow in this part:

"Set the key atop the lock
Her escape, a mirage
Amuses you, laughter cruel
Stolen away in lifeless bondage"

Overall though- 6.5/10 (I'm a hard judge so consider this a good score )


Alright, thanks!
Well, I guess this means I should start on a "revision" for this stanza...I'll start that soon, I'll have it up later.
Thanks everyone for the crits!

FinestImagery
...Gott weiss ich will kein Engel sein...