#1
If someone gets the wordplay in the title I'll be happy.
This has loads of links, so look for them, I had fun writing it.
Try work out who is Grandma Deur and what she represents.
I'd prefere comments about that kind of stuff, it's pretty heavy in places but it all means something.


Grandma Deur

Never again
She states with hands screaming affection confetti
From the sight of crystallised shitee orbs.

One life at present is a gift badly spent enough
I hear her caw; as she nestles into her restless limbs
Alongside the suspended sun of celebration.

Wisdom is quiet
I catch her explain with hand gestures for the blind,
All tattered wings and sprawling feathers.

Learn to be a fly on the wall,
The break in a sentence,
The cough in a fit
And soon enough you?ll gain respect
From the spectacle spectators,

I learn from her.

You?ll never beat age, people say
But Gran?s looking stronger by the day.
Last edited by thepickups at Jun 17, 2006,
#2
i thought this was a pretty cool song, but was a bit confused towards the end.

at first this woman seems to be torn, expressioned and in an energetic fit but by the end has become lifeless and pallid. If this was what you were going for then well done.

Your imagery is really good, in particular:

She states with hands screaming affection confetti

-and-

Wisdom is quiet
I catch her explain with hand gestures for the blind,
All tattered wings and sprawling feathers

both really impressed me.

Also "I learn from her" is a strong, positive statement and sits well in the song.

Overall a really good effort IMO, and id give it 8/10.
#4
I have no idea, but then I never do with these types of pieces. Sorry I can't help pickups.

But once again, your writing is superbly done.
#5
Read it again man!

Shorten the first word to how some people say it and put em together.
#6
Ah, makes slightly more sense now, very nice wordplay.

But still, I'm a simple man, so most metephors and imagery go well over my head. Sorry bud, thats the way it is for me

I'm sure those more experienced than me will be more able to give you what you want from the actual piece itself.

I really need to up my skills, I think. Pieces like this always make me feel smaller
#7
It all links.

The lady is me in the end.

But you have to catch all the links, every read should bring a few more things ytou failed to see before, and that's what I like.

Cheers though

is blandford a real place btw?

edit:

i'm gonna point out some of the linkage in the piece soon
Last edited by thepickups at Jun 18, 2006,
#8
Granduer? Still don't get it
It's probably because i'm suffering from major sunburn right now

Anyhoo, as far as the writing goes ths is superb. As usual Glenn/Connor/etc etc etc your mystical puzzles of literature are astounding, and as usual i can't be bothered or just am unble to work them out!
Anyway, fantastic use of imagery, metaphors, enjambement and god structure amongst others.
Truly among your best pieces, well done.

Would you mind a look at mine for me? It's in my sig, thanks.
#9
Aha, it does make more sense as you read it.


And yes, Blandford Forum is a real place. It is located in the south of England, in a nice county called Dorset. We are famous for our rolling hills, lush countryside and Bourenmouth beach. Also, Blandford has one of the biggest amount of teenage drug abusers in the country
#11
Ah right I see, nice.

Caz; you're right about the title.

I'll give you the meaning firstly and then I'll explain the links later on today.

The main theme is me. It's about becoming more mature, more collected and more majestic in order to become more respected in a way.

I describe the narrative with a main character; the grandma. Grandma's are known to usually be quite old, and with age comes wisdom and respect for most. Now this links with me, for I am actually the grandma (grandeur), and it's like she's growing out of me, whereas grandma's should be dying really. It's like each day I grow more and more and become more collected and more intelligent.

You?ll never beat age, people say
But Gran?s looking stronger by the day.


That bit kind of concludes it all with a- "i'll leave you hanging a little and some contrast"- kind of thing.

People say you can't change peoples perceptions of you (the age of grandeur), but I say that I'm getting more majestic to the day and the granny isn't dying, she's growing.

If that makes any sense to any of you.
Last edited by thepickups at Jun 19, 2006,
#12
^Mmm, it does make a lot more sense now, but i still don't understand the "grandeur". I might jut be being dumb here but hey.
#13
Ahhhhh connor/bilbo, you should have drawn that out more. Now it's gonna be no fun deciphering all this.
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#14
This is clever and all that. The fourth stanza is especially intriguing.

When I first read it before you told evryone the meanings, I thought it was about wisdom, personified, in case you were interested.

Overall nice, again.
#15
When I first read it before you told evryone the meanings, I thought it was about wisdom, personified, in case you were interested.


Wicked, good job then.

The 4th stanza is telling me what I should be more like. I always think it but hardly ever act on my own orders. It's saying, you don;t always have to be in on the action, you don't always have to start the conversations and keep them running and if you don't, soon you'll gain a kind of respect from it.

I'm sorry for explaining it but I thought it'd go to page 4 soon anyway.

There's still loads of hidden language, well it's pretty obvious but I like it.

See if you can link some togetherrrr please, i'd be impressed.
#16
confetti->parties->gifts

nestle->bird?

sign language->quiet

Those were pretty obvious though.

Oh yeah, and I really liked the wordplay in this line: 'One life at present is a gift badly spent enough.' It was cleverly awesome.
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#19
Before reading your post, I thought it was about growing, and becoming something of respect. I guess that's kind of what it means for you.

I dunno, each read through this seems to grow on me more and more with multiple things popping out.

Very nice work, I wish I could dissect this for you, but I can't.
#20
thanks sexy.

yeh you were close to what it meant to me i suppose.

Jared-this one please

I'm off to get drunk soon ish, will check this later
#21
Now to explain some linkage and stuff.

Grandma Deur
Grandeur

Never again
She states with hands screaming affection confetti
From the sight of crystallised ****e orbs.

One life at present is a gift badly spent enough
"Present" and "Gift" and "Confetti" from the previous lines all link
I hear her caw; as she nestles into her restless limbs
"caw" and "nestle" link together fir the language of an owl possibly, known as a wise bird
Alongside the suspended sun of celebration.
"Celebration" links in again.

Wisdom is quiet
"Orbs" and "Wisdom" link together.
I catch her explain with hand gestures for the blind,
All tattered wings and sprawling feathers.
Owl language again

Learn to be a fly on the wall,
The break in a sentence,
The cough in a fit
And soon enough you?ll gain respect
From the spectacle spectators,
The Spectacle Spectators are the people which dont just watch others and meerly spectate, but they spectate with spectacles; showing that they are the upper-class and the more able people. More majestic in a way.

I learn from her.

You?ll never beat age, people say
But Gran?s looking stronger by the day.
"Beat" as in fighting and "Stronger" as in coming out of the fight stronger.


They are quite a few of the links used.
#22
Genius

I think I got one or two of the owl ones after a few more re-reads.. but I love that you've explained this, it definitely helps out those like me who love to get into the minds of writers like yourself- It helps others develop their writing, and shows them new ways to think about their writing.

Once more, thanks for the links
#23
I'd hardly say genius, it's just my way [and countless other writers] to hold the meaning of a piece, shakespearrreee stlye.
#24
Well, I didn't mean genius genius, but...you get my drift. I love your writing and my inspiration for this month is to be up against you for WoTM

I don't know if you want to or not, but... I'd really appreciate a crit from you on my latest piece. I'm not sure if you owe me or not

ETA: Found here.

And you have another piece on the first page. How nice of you to be constantly inspired