#1
I don't really know what this is... Lately the whole group of single friends I hang around with have produced about 5 couples in a week- this song goes out to them.

It is about wanting to tell a girl you love her, but becuase of whaever situation you want to wait till the perfect time.

I know the verses need a rewrite, it's basic and all, but I love the bridge in this
don't flame this just because you feel like it. I know it' not great, but I haven't written anything significant in a while and this is basically about the emotion, not the writing techniques.

Crit for crit as always

Enjoy...


I really want to tell you
I just want to say
I want to tell you that I love ya
But just not today

I want to tell you when the times right
I just want to say
I want to tell you that I love ya
Maybe another day

And woah oh
Just two seconds of your time
An woah oh oh ho
Just say the right line
I'll be back later on
If the feelings still strong
I'll be back pretty soon girl
Just say the right line

I really need to tell you
The others say I should
I want to tell you that I love you
But I don't know where I'm stood

I really need to let you know
I have to tell you soon
Mountain of a task I know
But only once in a blue moon

And woah oh
Just two seconds of your time
An woah oh oh ho
Just say the right line
I'll be back later on
If the feelings still strong
I'll be back pretty soon girl
Just say the right line

The loving of a woman is all that I wish for
The single touch of passion and then I will be yours
Call for me, sing for me, tell me that it's true
I want to scream it from above I'm so in love with you

Scream it loud enough to tug at the love strings
A harp plays silent romance as my heart softly sings
The loving of a woman is all that I wish for
The single touch of passion and then I will be yours

And woah oh
Just two seconds of your time
An woah oh oh ho
Just say the right line
I'll be back later on
If the feelings still strong
I'll be back pretty soon girl
Just say the right line

The loving of a woman is all that I wish for
The single touch of passion and then I will be yours
Call for me sing for me tell me that it's true
I want to scream it out from above I'm so in love with you
#2
I find this one hard to critique, because I find myself in complete agreement with your foreword.
I always find it hard to appreciate a piece about emotions when they are expressed so plainly, but I won't go on about it, as you have asked not to.
To back your own opinion up again, I strongly agree that the bridge is the best part, stands out quite far above the rest of the piece.
I'll just encourage you to continue lookin' for a new bit of inspiration, so keep at it.
#3
Ah...a song the way i like it...staight foreward and simple. The only thing I dislike is that it is "fixed in time"...every verse is about the same thing...but this is quite normal if it's an emotionaly written song and not a story telling song.

I'll be back pretty soon girl

This line reads weird. First time I read it i though it was: I'll be back soon pretty girl. Which I think reads better.

Anyway a fine piece of work. You may not like it yourself but I did.
On the sixth day God created mankind, I say it is a waste of time.
My project: _simple_city
#4
My thanks to you all.

LGM we seem to have crit each other piece at the same time- great minds think alike

CJW I think I wrote one piece I'm proud of in the time you've been away, "Come Clean". Thought I'd let you know that I did get out of my blck, but it's returned once more
#5
I liked it considering the topic.
You said it was about emotion but I didnt really feel it for most of the song. Well maybe its just me. I did feel some sence of emotion youre trying to get across in the last two verses. But yeah, overall good job.
#6
hey man, how do you get the signature i think its called at the bottom of your posts i dont know how to do them, could u private message me on how to do them? u know that bit where it says nuff said everytime u post, thanks
#7
Blatant love song, gotta love it, don't really want to but have no choice, flows pretty well and gets the point across. Sweet. Please crit my new song 'EVeryone has a story to tell'
#8
Call for me, sing for me, tell me that it's true
I want to scream it from above I'm so in love with you

Scream it loud enough to tug at the love strings
A harp plays silent romance as my heart softly sings

These 4 lines at the end rip, love them, i'm assuming that this songs is a real vocal song especially from the chorus, i can imagine it would rip with a couple of guys harmonising at the:
And woah oh
Just two seconds of your time
An woah oh oh ho
Just say the right line
bit real good, id give it a 9/10!
#9
Aww, i really liked this. A song written around pure emotion as apposed to what "just sounds cool"
I really like that in a song. Enjoyed reading it man. Well done! Sorry i cant crit more than that, i just think its great

xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#10
Wow, I wasn't expectin much positive feedback for this.

Thankyou to all who commented It is much appreciated.
#11
I've said this before to other lyricists. This lacks personality, sure it may be personal too you, but it kind of sounds like the song you'd expect from a 15 year old. That in my opinion is a problem, while it may not be for you. If you are looking to be in a sea of average than keeping this style of lyric is fine, but if you are looking to stand out and be an original person at least add a little bit of yourself to the lyrics. This could be read by any kid with black rimmed glasses and a tight "Taking Back Sunday" shirt and it would have the same power; none.

Sorry to be harsh, but after being on lyric sites for four years or so, it just gets tiring reading the same thing posted over and over again. Go read some books, go listen to some different music, go out and buy a random book of poetry and try to emulate somebodies style. While at first you'll find it pointless and stupid, in the long term if you want to be a quality lyricist it'll greatly improve you're ability and skill.

As for the rating.. 1.5/10
#12
Quote by pixiesfanyo
I've said this before to other lyricists. This lacks personality, sure it may be personal too you, but it kind of sounds like the song you'd expect from a 15 year old. That in my opinion is a problem, while it may not be for you. If you are looking to be in a sea of average than keeping this style of lyric is fine, but if you are looking to stand out and be an original person at least add a little bit of yourself to the lyrics. This could be read by any kid with black rimmed glasses and a tight "Taking Back Sunday" shirt and it would have the same power; none.

Sorry to be harsh, but after being on lyric sites for four years or so, it just gets tiring reading the same thing posted over and over again. Go read some books, go listen to some different music, go out and buy a random book of poetry and try to emulate somebodies style. While at first you'll find it pointless and stupid, in the long term if you want to be a quality lyricist it'll greatly improve you're ability and skill.

As for the rating.. 1.5/10


Agreed.

I was going to go into more detail, but they did it fine.

However, keep this style if you so choose, just make it interesting. Still do what PixiesFan recommended, but also read up on even Taking Back Sunday's, Brand New's, or Death Cab for Cutie's lyrics. Look at how they convey their points. Look at their different rhyme schemes if they're there, look at their imagery, look at the way they phrase things. They do this well. Very, very well.
#13
thanks for takng the time to read it, but I belive I perfectly said don't flame this just because it deserves it. I don't like this, I know it's average, below standard and pretty poor. I posted it because I have not written anything else, to be honest. I know you have strog feelings about half-arsed songs being posted, etc, but still, I had hoped I had made my point clear in m opening paragraph.

As for you Ret, it seems one bad piece from me has unsettled you. You flamed that, you totally agree with this, you voiced that I shouldn't be in the vets vs newbies comp, and even went to mention that a banned member shold be able to post their stuff instead of me being allowed into the team I know I may not be up to synths standards, but surely I deserve a little credit.

I don't want to make enemies but I would have hoped that experienced members like yourselves would've had more sense to ignore this if you didnt like this than post comments such as this. I belive the faqs state to be ultra-positive to all posters.

If you can't say anything nice, don't say it at all, yes?
#14
One of the extremely few pieces that actually manages to brings a tense of what the song is actually like - which is a cool thing. Simple. Rings nicely.

I want to tell you that I love ya
But just not today


I thought that was bad - right before I saw the repition. If you create it so it sounded more subtle - that would be brillant.

Also -

Cut down on quite a bit of it - make it shorter and sweeter - complex it a little more whilst keeping simple...

Looking up a mix of Red Hot Chili lyrics and Taking Back Sunday.
#15
Quote by Jammydude44
thanks for takng the time to read it, but I belive I perfectly said don't flame this just because it deserves it. I don't like this, I know it's average, below standard and pretty poor. I posted it because I have not written anything else, to be honest. I know you have strog feelings about half-arsed songs being posted, etc, but still, I had hoped I had made my point clear in m opening paragraph.


I'm not trying to "flame" you. I'm harsh in my critiques because I'm hoping they will have an effect. I'm not going to suck your dick if you don't deserve it, and clearly with this song you didn't.
#16
It did have an effect, but I knew this piece sucked. I was just trying to avoid any hugely negative comments as I know it deserves it, I just had to post something.

I completely over reacted, looking back

I apologise. Peace out.

ETA: Cheers for the return crit craigo. Much appreciated
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jun 21, 2006,
#17
Jammydude, you rock. Okie?
Just thought id ley you know, before my brain blows into smithareens.
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.