#1
VERSE 1 :


There?s a boy lost on his way

He lives life day by day

Not knowing when to go or stay

He would rather fade away


CHORUS :


He sits alone watching the world go round

Hoping one day he?d be found

He watches love just pass him by

Something he can?t seem to find


VERSE 2 :


He grows weaker every day

He stares at his walls as he lays awake

Wondering when he?ll get up and how long it will take


CHORUS :


He sits alone watching the world go round

Hoping one day he?d be found

He watches love just pass him by

Something he can?t seem to find


VERSE 3 :


One hazy day he walked on his way

He saw a sign that said heaven up ahead

He ran along and saw the gates

Finally love is here to stay


Love is here to stay


This is the first song I have ever wrote so please be harsh. Also PM me on words and improvements or e-mail me at neveragain1112@hotmail.com I'm definatly not a lyricist. THANX
#2
Ive read a lot worse from ppl who've been writing a lot longer. Its a pretty good effort for your first go, much better than the first time i tried to write!

the majority of songs on these boards are normally negative, and it seems like urs was gonna be too til then end. You made progress in the song which is important i think.

No part of the song particularly struck me but u show the potential of being very good. The advice I'd give u is be more descriptive - and practice makes perfect.

Best of luck with your writing!
#3
You managed to put a nice curve at the end, where it became positive. I can really relate to this song, and im glad you wrote it, though, unfortunately, my life has not yet reached verse three lol. It's simple, effective, and probably catchy. Keep it up, i'll give it a seven or seven and a half out of ten, considering it is your first attempt , IMO (if its anything to go by) it doesn't need much alteration

crit for crit? please, the link is in my sig
"If you want beef, then bring the ruckus." - Marilyn Monroe