#1
OK, This song isn't really about anthing in particular, it's basically just putting whatever comes out of my head on paper.

Verse 1
With my headphones on I hear a black hole singing in my head
I'm trying to write down the words but I can't remember what she said.
Light streams in through the window, but it seems a little dark.
And my head keeps ringing
With the black hole's singing
And I don't know what is going on

Chorus
What?s going on? I don?t have a clue.
What?s happening to me? Why?s it not happening to you?
What?s going on? Please tell me, Please do.
'Cos I Don?t know, I Don?t know, I Don?t know,
(screaming) I Don?t know!

I?ve got holes punched all over me and I?m lying here on the ground
I?m trying to get up but I can?t, because I am gagged and bound.
I don?t know who did this to me, so I?ll point my finger at God.
And my head keeps ringing
With the black hole's singing
And I don't know what is going on

Chorus

With my headphones on I hear a black hole singing in my head
I'm trying to write down the words but I can't remember what she said.

Any crits welcomed.
Quote by StaggHound
That's the problem with kids today. No upper body strength.
Back in my day, when you smashed a guitar, it stayed smashed.


Cunning Pikes

The one and only member of the Cunning Pike Club.
Last edited by mrf1shie at Jun 18, 2006,
#2
Good - but the chorus could change. It almost sounds like a drastic, feeble attempt of being emo :P:

I got no other word than that. Try to make it rememberable, rather than the main theme of the song.
#3
Yes, my only problem is with the chorus, it's pretty awful at best.

But I do really like the verses. I like the whole "black hole" theme, and I think it's a nice idea. But the chros, with allthe questions and repeated "don't knows" just sounds like a primary school classroom.

7/10. A better chorus and you've got a nice piece on your hands.

If you cold return the favour here, it'd be much appreciated. Many thanks.
#4
Thanks for the comment's guys. I have to admit I didn't put too much effort into the chorus but I'll start work on a rewrite.
Quote by StaggHound
That's the problem with kids today. No upper body strength.
Back in my day, when you smashed a guitar, it stayed smashed.


Cunning Pikes

The one and only member of the Cunning Pike Club.