#1
Please bear in mind im this isn't finished, and i will need to edit this later, but it's the best i could come up with so far, but still comment on it please, so i know how to improve it. It's a slow/moderate song

(verse 1)
Life skills that were learnt are forgotten
now inside im going rotten, cos
for every pointless breath i breathe
theres a drop of black blood i bleed
living on, whilst im dying out
but no-one to care, without a doubt
something inside that wants to scream
locked up inside, is how i feel

so welcome to this world of me.

(verse 2)
Your bumper hit me clear of sense
Landed me here on ignorance
But your words never really meant,
Much to me, or anyone else
Or enough to change the way i am
Im too far gone for you to bring down
Time i realised what i already knew
We didn't fit in, and I'll be dead soon

The easiest way out, of this cold world.

(chorus)
Please kiss me one more time
I miss the feeling of being alive
Stitch my eyelids together and say goodbye
Im running away, running away tonight.
"If you want beef, then bring the ruckus." - Marilyn Monroe
Last edited by USCENDONE BENE at Jun 18, 2006,
#2
alright...it is a very cliche topic. Now that that has been said...I actually like what you did with it. Although the topic is very general, and has been done millions of times, you were very descriptive. I think you really have potential, just not really with this song. Try going a little more abstract next time...
If to live is to die, then is to die to live? Thats a bunch of S_H_I_T.
#3
Quote by USCENDONE BENE


But your words never really meant,
Much to me, or anyone else
Or enough to change the way i am
Im too far gone for you to bring down
Time i realised what i already knew
We didn't fit in, and I'll be dead soon




I didn't really like this part. I thought your first verse was very good and the chorus was great too, but this part just didn't speak to me. 7.5/10
I'm Trapped In A Glass Case...of Emotion
#4
I think you might benefit from tearing this song apart, keeping any good lines, and then reconstructing it. I, personally, really liked the first and third lines in the chorus.
#5
Some of the most well written stuff on here. Verse 1 is grade A material. I loved the whole song, very good! 9,6/10
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.
#6
I like the song even if he´s a little bit too superficial but neverthelessa great song i think. what kind of music have you in youre mind for this lyrics? maybe some more punk orientatet tuff or more metal like?
8/10
#7
Quote by Angel of Misery
I like the song even if he´s a little bit too superficial but neverthelessa great song i think. what kind of music have you in youre mind for this lyrics? maybe some more punk orientatet tuff or more metal like?
8/10

umm, this would probably suit metal, or maybe a nice little acoustic bit

Thanks for everybody's comments, much appreciated
"If you want beef, then bring the ruckus." - Marilyn Monroe
#8
Yeh, cliche, but I think you did enough here to seperate it from the crowd.

The first stanza is supreme to the rest of the piece. After that, I thought the chorus was pretty good, those 1st and 3rd lines were nce, I think you could rewrite that chorus around those two lines.

Overall, 8/10 here, I think. Nice work.

If you could crit back, It'd be much appreciated. Here is my latest piece