#1
Have you ever started a day, when you thought you had something to say,
but when you open your mouth, the word won't come out, it makes no sense at all.
We used to always talk, sometimes we'd even go fer a walk, but now the times have changed, I feel deranged, this fight's been fought in vain.

And as the time progress', I begin to lose my senses.
I lose my self in memories of when i'd walk around with you.
And with all the things I've taken, you were always there unshaken,
An now I've lost it all, I'll always fall, whenever I'm without you.

I see her everyday, but I always have to stay, I know she knows I'm there, she doesn't care, That time seems far away.
I've lived with this pain, all that I do seems in vain, I got a hole in my heart, I don't wanna start, I fail to see a gain.

And as the time progress', I begin to lose my senses.
I lose my self in memories of when i'd walk around with you.
And with all the things I've taken, you were always there unshaken,
An now I've lost it all, I'll always fall, whenever I'm without you.

(a little bridge thingy)

And as the time progress', I begin to lose my senses.
I lose my self in memories of when i'd walk around with you.
And with all the things I've taken, you were always there unshaken,
An now I've lost it all, I'll always fall, whenever I'm without you.


(sorry bout the typo "skaken" was actually "shaken")
Last edited by fox69 at Jun 20, 2006,
#2
good sense of flow and rhythm but, what does unskaken mean? is that even a word?
I didn't mean to take up all your sweet time,
I'll give it right back to you one of these days.
#4
nice rhythem to it! it was great

I see her everyday, but I always have to stay, I know she knows I'm there, she doesn't care, That time seems far away.
I've lived with this pain, all that I do seems in vain, I got a hole in my heart, I don't wanna start, I fail to see a gain.

good stuff their awesome stuff thanks for the crits on my song
#5
lol "I know she knows I'm there" great line,

Anyway...the flow is just awesome, the internal rhyme in some of the lines is nice too.


If you have time, could you crit my latest piece, its the one in my sig w/ the link

thx and good job.