#1
FINISED
sorry its so short but im forcing myself
to write ive gotten a little writers block.
CRIT4CRIT

"Im still Breathing"

Verse1

I beleived every word you said
your last words still fill me with dread
when you went and left me for dead
you went and tore it all to shreds

chorus

Now I'm down knocked out
but I'm still breathing
your all I ever cared about
(My heart is bleeding)

Verse 2
Remember the times in your bed
the pictures are still in my head
think about the last thing i said
"You went and...tore it all to shreds"

Bridge
when I look on what i miss
do you remember our last kiss
I have something to confess
(I still love you and always will.)


(chorus)
Last edited by stratkat at Jun 23, 2006,
#2
wow that has such potential cant wait to here the whole lot!!! cant fault this i think its perfect!! 9/10...
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#3
"Im still Breathing"

Verse1

I believed every word you said
your last words still fill me with dread
when you went and left me for dead
you went and tore it all to shreds

Not much to say about this, however I'm not sure about the rhyme scheme, AAAA rhyming kind of bothers me a bit...but hey, it's your piece! "when you went and left me for dead" seems a little cliche but in my opinion it doesn't matter much, cliches work in different situations.

chorus

Now I'm down knocked out
but I'm still breathing
Pretty good, keep these. ABAB rhyme scheme I find works better, less repetitive (such as with the first verse, said/dread/dead/shreds). Delivers the message, nice choice of words, metaphor. Nice.

you're all I ever cared about
(My heart is bleeding)
"You're all I ever cared about"-Expresses emotion. Honestly, I can't see how someone can tell you how to rewrite a line of your emotion, it's fact. However, "my heart is bleeding"is slightly metaphorical and a bit overused/cliched...I like the first line, like I said it's emotion...the second line not so much a favorite. :3

----------------------------------------
Overall, I think it has quite some potential if you just stick with it, the idea is good however some of the wording/rhyming gets me a little...
Keep writing, I look forward to seeing the next verse. ^^
Please crit mine, if possible?
"Silver Consequences?"
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=377963
Thanks!

FinestImagery
...Gott weiss ich will kein Engel sein...
#4
Well this peice is a little different, My rythm guitarist made this cool sounding song, This was the first time Ive written the music before the lyrics.
#6
i pretty much agree with finestimagery. the AAAA rhyming in the verse would get very boring to listen to. plus the verse just seems very unoriginal.

i like the first 2 lines of the chorus. but 'my heart is bleeding' is sooooo cliche. especially the way you use it here. you can get away with using a line like that, but it has to be an obvious progression from the rest of the lyrics. it has to be in a place where you're telling some kind story or something so the listener will hear it and say 'well, thats cliche, but on the other hand it expresses the feeling so well, what else could he have said?'.... to me it doesnt feel like that at the end of your chorus.


if you're doing crit 4 crit i've got 2 songs on here. "Waste Me Away" and "Dont Breathe". Id appreciate any comments.
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Last edited by bbsbass at Jun 19, 2006,
#7
Well done, I think it has some potential, especially if you write a bridge or something to fill it in. The AAAA rhyming gets a little old though (Who am I to talk ) but no problem if it flows well, such as yours.

Crit any of mine? *POINTS AT SIG*
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If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.
#8
Not that i follow the pack, but i do agree the aaaa rhyming scheme was the only dampener on what was a very good fraction of a song. Thumbs up. Please crit my new song: 'Everyone has a story to tell'
#9
"Im still Breathing"

Verse1

I beleived every word you said
your last words still fill me with dread

Great first two lines, but not keen of the word "word" being used twice... The second time, the word "lines" could be used instead? The rythming pattern AAAA worked, but it may be hard to think of 4 words that will fit in future verses.

when you went and left me for dead
you went and tore it all to shreds

As I mentioned above, you've used the word "went" twice. I'm not sure what word would be better in this context, however.

chorus

Now I'm down knocked out
but I'm still breathing
your all I ever cared about
(My heart is bleeding)

Can't really think of much to bitch about for the chorus... It's good. "My heart is bleeding" is slightly cliched, but it still works.

Okay, that wasn't much detail from me, but I'm no expert on songwriting. Good luck, it's well written. It's hard to write a song about being heartbroken, left etc. without repeating the same statements with different words so be careful when finishing.
Last edited by Toilets at Jun 19, 2006,
#10
Okay i really need help with the second verse anyone have and ideas, all i really need is the first line to get started.
#11
i thought the chorus was awesome and im sure when you get the 2 verse itll be killer i didnt really care for the way you ended the first verse im sure it will be kool when you put music to it if you do but not my kinda stuff
#12
its actaully pretty good for forced stuff. personally i cant force stuff, usually the chorus or first verse pops up in my head or i just randomly start singing stuff and it seems to work. can't wait for it to be done