#1
This was an emotional write. I'm so ridiculously proud of it, please give me feedback, I've been in a rut lately, and this drug me out of it.

Enjoy!

For Renee & Becca.


[HOPE]

Vermillion smoke plumes grew as the
Hearts of a thousand children burst
From the gunmetal that the factories
Percolated in the polite winter.
A single girl longed to find the beach
That engulfed the Atlantic coast, She
Sat on twisted lawn chairs that sunk
Beneath the dazzling jeweled sand,
Her eyes choked on the filigree salts
That bled into the leukocyte ocean.

My letters read like fevers that dripped
Woven gestures of a milk white laughter.
They clamoured and spoiled into blank stares
That lingered in this impetuous night.
A bulimuc sunrise vomits ashtray indignities,
They coagulate on the interstate's violet waves,
She soaked into the nicotine dream and let her
Body become an addiction to boys that pumped
Battery acid through their blistered blue veins.

She read those telegrams like a snare drum,
Her voice, gutted, by her nape and lips.
Whispering crescendos on box car doors,
She fled into the piano stringed morning,
And grew silverleaf feathers that leaked
The acrid smell of a lustful and vengeful hope.
Her knuckles had burst from the cocaine toned skin
That had bubbled because of the lack of oxygen,

And she was the dusk and like a theif or a comet,
Flew past and glittered through the atmosphere,
As a satelight would penetrate spiderwebs, she spoke,
Of hope.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#2
Well its FAR from cliche VERY original, your on a whole nother level compared to me.
I mean most things i read feel cliche and this didn't, you must really load up on literature.
10/10
#4
leukocyte ocean?

you sound like youre using a lot of big words JUST for the sake of using them


She read those telegrams like a snare drum?

dont understand how that works...

altho its not bad, it seems a little... trying too hard-ish? it dosnt flow
#5
I'm not going to say, white blood cell ocean, it flows terribly, it was my only option.

It's a simile[sp?] by the way, if you can't wrap your head around that don't read, watch, or listen to anything in the known universe.

She read them with harsh cracks in her voice, as if they were painful to read.

Understand?
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#6
I think you should cut him some slack, that simile wasn't extremely obvious to grasp at first look. And I also felt the same way about "leukocyte" when I read it, though all the other vocabulary seems natural. From your explanation, your usage of "leukocyte" was justifiable though. And I also kind of like the alliteration that the word creates, so it makes up for it. But yeah, absolutely beautiful poem. I love it.
#7
i like this a lot

a lot of it just seems like words were just thrown in there but they some how worked really well

it kind of reminds me of a more poetic Blood Brothers
#9
no mangablade, I'm gonna be blunt and say your wrong, this was beautiful and excellent, and it was that way because he didnt use extraeneoucicity (its my new word) to say anything that wasnt needed. Each new line brought advancementy goodness in the sense that it had a perpose, relayed the previous ideas yet still brought new images and ideas to the table; the definition of a good narrative. Nothing to say other than that, except now I know why your so looked up to in S&L. O, and way to pull yourself out of a rut too (and I hope your life is starting to pull itself back together, even just a little).
#15
Yea, you really know how to just write in a certain way and stick with it. Due to the situation that you are in, Id imagine that this is full of all the emotion in which you speak. I like your word choice and how you tie things together....you were always able to do that well after I taught you . I also really like the sentiment that you embedded within this piece. Its just a really good piece of work. I wouldnt say its your best, but Im not really judging that due to what's going on.

So I hope everything gets better in your life, I really do.

Much <3

....But Im still a better writer, if I tried to write more.
Can You Fill In The Blanks?
#16
That was awesome. LOVE your style. 8.5/10. Something_Vague, can you PM me and give me some pointers? That is a nice piece of work. Obscure similes and metaphors are better than cliches - they make you think. Huge use of heaps of language devices too which was good to see. A lot of people can't be bothered with that (including myself). Also, I sense a bit of Mars Volta in there... are they by any chance a minor influence?
The below is false.
The above is true.

*world implodes*
#17
Just a minor influence these days, they used to be a bigger one back in the day.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#18
Quote by punkman_123
That was awesome. LOVE your style. 8.5/10. Something_Vague, can you PM me and give me some pointers? That is a nice piece of work. Obscure similes and metaphors are better than cliches - they make you think. Huge use of heaps of language devices too which was good to see. A lot of people can't be bothered with that (including myself). Also, I sense a bit of Mars Volta in there... are they by any chance a minor influence?


If you can't be bothered with literary devices, you shouldn't keep writing. Just some advice.
#19
Nah^

I use them becuase I do, but I bet a load of my favourite song writers don't do it on puerpose.
#21
Thanks all again, are the anymore, also, if you need me to crit something, leave me a link in here.

Thanks again, more are welcome.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#22
Quote by Retribution
Intentional or not, good writers use them. I'd love to know what songwriter doesn't and gets away with it. And I'm talking ANY literary devices.


Its unpossible [sic] to not use any literary devices, hell, all stanzaic forms are literary devices, so it is impossible to not have at least some literary devices in songs.

with that being said, I love this piece every time I read it, just wanted to let you know.

O, and would you mind checking out my newest: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=379601
#24
oh matt.
i really don't know why you post on here anymore.
what's the point?
there are only a few good writers and you're one of them.

you need to come to maryland really soon.
life is getting unusually boring.
UNUSUALLY.
and besides, how else can we cure those strange creatures...
#25
This was an emotional write. I'm so ridiculously proud of it, please give me feedback, I've been in a rut lately, and this drug me out of it.

Enjoy!

For Renee & Becca.


[HOPE]

Vermillion smoke plumes grew as the
Hearts of a thousand children burst
From the gunmetal that the factories
Percolated in the polite winter.
A single girl longed to find the beach
That engulfed the Atlantic coast, She
Sat on twisted lawn chairs that sunk
Beneath the dazzling jeweled sand,
Her eyes choked on the filigree salts
That bled into the leukocyte ocean.

My letters read like fevers that dripped
Woven gestures of a milk white laughter.
They clamoured and spoiled into blank stares
That lingered in this impetuous night.
A bulimuc sunrise vomits ashtray indignities,
They coagulate on the interstate's violet waves,
She soaked into the nicotine dream and let her
Body become an addiction to boys that pumped
Battery acid through their blistered blue veins. Wowsers...that was strong.

She read those telegrams like a snare drum,
Her voice, gutted, by her nape and lips. I have to say..I don't like the commas surrounding 'gutted' like that...it's an unnecessary pause...or at least an incorrectly executed one. There should either be one comma before the word or none at all.
Whispering crescendos on box car doors,
She fled into the piano stringed morning,
And grew silverleaf feathers that leaked
The acrid smell of a lustful and vengeful hope.
Her knuckles had burst from the cocaine toned skin
That had bubbled because of the lack of oxygen,

And she was the dusk and like a theif or a comet, Ok the two ands in this line didn't work for me...sounds awkward and straight up bad. I'd suggest using a semi colon instead or at least before one of the ands. But it's up to you. Also you mis-spelled 'thief'.
Flew past and glittered through the atmosphere,
As a satelight would penetrate spiderwebs, she spoke,
Of hope.

Wow. That was amazing I gave my little input there...That's all I've got. Anybody who says he sounds like he's just trying to use big words needs a bigger vocabulary...the only reason anyone ever says that is because they don't understand a word, doesn't mean he's over doing it.

I applaud you.

Wow the first two reads on this site have been a blast.
Please critique mine.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=380277
Thanks.