#1
This is about drugs & paranoia & depression etc. I know it's a fairly used subject to sing about but it fitted in nice with the chords...

Seen..

I found a way. To keep those negative thoughts,
Away.
And out've my mind.
Though I'm sure by now, that clarity's on His way.
And I know somehow, that I can get back.

Chorus.
Well I can see your hurt because your still standing there.
And I can see your sick because you say you dont care.
& I can tell this, 'cause I've had friends who have stood right there.
Well I see you.
& I can see your standing on the edge of your mind.
& I can see becasue I've been there myself too many times.
Well yeah it's dark out but you can still stand under a streetlight.
On the curb of your life.

And it seems so cliche. To try & get help.
Anyway.
So stay back in that shell.
And to feel ashamed, by the sources of your relief.
When your not to blame. That you can't gat back.

Chorus x2

Thats all i got at the moment... crit 4 crit... I need to fix up teh chorus soon.
Quote by Lord_Of_Dance.

I never understood why a girl would take a boner as a bad thing "Oh no, your attracted to me, you sick wanker." :\ x


Quote by Nelsean
Im saying this the straightest way possible, but...

I'd have sexual intercourse with your anus.
#2
Seen..

I found a way. To keep those negative thoughts,
Away.

the use of "a way" and "away" doesn't sound all too great when sung together in my opinion, it sounds like word repetition even though they are two different meanings, together they both sound like "away". Since there seems not to have been any present rhyming scheme, I would say just find another word that fits nicely in there, such as "hidden" (except maybe less "cliched" :P.

And out've my mind.
Though I'm sure by now, that clarity's on His way.

Again, using "a way", "away", and "way" all at the end of each line in a verse doesn't work to well, although I'm no lyricist I've observed. :3 Otherwise I like this line a lot!

And I know somehow, that I can get back.

I like this, keep it. All in all, I find this verse is nice, just maybe change the words around a little, find a synonym for the words previously mentioned. This line adds a nice positive contrast to the verse.

Chorus.
Well I can see your hurt because your still standing there.
And I can see your sick because you say you dont care.
& I can tell this, 'cause I've had friends who have stood right there.
Well I see you.

As for the first line, it confuses me a bit..."Well I can see you're hurt because you're still standing there"...However, I think you should keep this, I like it better than what is usually done, about "not holding on"...sorry if that was confusing, lol :3.Otherwise, very nice.

& I can see your standing on the edge of your mind.
& I can see becasue I've been there myself too many times.
Well yeah it's dark out but you can still stand under a streetlight.
On the curb of your life.

I love the first and second lines, however the last two lines I have mixed feelings about, but I still find them very nice. :3

And it seems so cliche. To try & get help.
Anyway.
So stay back in that shell.
And to feel ashamed, by the sources of your relief.
When your not to blame. That you can't get back.

Very nice! I like this as a whole, nothing to critique on it.

-------------------------
Overall this piece is pretty good, I feel the wording in some areas a bit repetitive however...I'm no lyricist, but I hope I helped!
Please crit mine, if possible?^^;
"Silver Consequences?"
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=377963
Thanks!
FinestImagery
...Gott weiss ich will kein Engel sein...
#3
yeah, your right, 'a way' & 'away' doesnt really sound its best... but thanks so much for the crit!! you actually helped me...
Quote by Lord_Of_Dance.

I never understood why a girl would take a boner as a bad thing "Oh no, your attracted to me, you sick wanker." :\ x


Quote by Nelsean
Im saying this the straightest way possible, but...

I'd have sexual intercourse with your anus.