#1
Hey guys, thought i'd attempt a second song. Please tell me what you think, any advice appreciated.

Verse 1, clean.

Sitting here, What a painful reminis,
I think back, to a time i dearly miss.
Wondering, where'd it all go?
Guess it's one of those things,
We will never know.

Verse 2, clean.

I wish to, go back to those days,
Just to enjoy, our old ways.
Feeling empty, never caring what we do,
For passing all that by,
I'm the biggest fool.

Chorus, clean.

These feelings,
eat me up inside,
Kill all shred of pride,
I might as well've died!
These feelings,
destroying all my hope,
I just cant cope.
Why..
god..
why?

Interlude.

Why?
*do i bother*
Why?
*do i try*
Why? <- ROAR.

Verse 3, heavy.

I sit infront of the box,
Try to make my thoughts lost,
It is pointless,
Useless,
**** this,
Bull****,
NEVER GONNA WORK!

Chorus, heavy.

These feelings,
Still eat me up inside,
Kill all shred of pride,
I might as well've died!
Yeah, these feelings,
Destroying all my hope,
I can't cope,
I CANT COPE! <- ROAR.

Bridge, very heavy.

It makes me want to cry,
but i just can't work out why,
I need these feelings,
TO. ****ING. DIE.

Chorus, heavy.

These feelings,
Always eat me up inside,
Keep killing all my pride,
I might as well've died!
These feelings,
Still destroying all my hope,
I can't cope,
No, I CANT COPE!

Outro.

Why, cant i figure this out?
Why, need to kick and shout!
Why, shouldn't need to ask you all?
Why, I'm about to fall!

END.
#2
If this is a realy heavy song (which i suspect it is ) i like it... but otherwise... hmmmm. well i think the rhyming is really all you have to work on in this, maybe a few more 'words with depth' in the chorus. otherwise shes good!! 8/10!!
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#3
It starts off as a slower song, but gets fairly heavy during the interlude.

Any more comments appreciated.
#4
Sorry to be negative, but this seems like another original nu-metal rant.
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#5
Thanks, close to what i thought aswell. Not a sound i'm delibrately going for, but for some reason both songs i've done end up that way. I'll keep trying untill i get a sound i like better.
#7
I can see this as being a rather heavy song, but the rhythm of the lyrics isn't synchronized from what I can tell. The song seems a bit choppy at the moment, but that's not saying it couldn't get better if you added a few words in or took some out.

7/10 from me.
#10
I've gotta say I really liked it, the lyrics seemed to flow really well. Have you written music for this song yet?
I think that the message in this song gets across really easily, to me at least. And this song is easy to relate to, which is good to have in songs. I think your a great writer and you should never give up writing cause your so damn good at it.
Hope this has helped
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#11
my only complaint is the forced rhymes. i like the idea of a melodic song and then the real heavy screaming **** you type song being in one. 8.10 just re-work some of the rhymes and try to keep the flow

crit for a crit. my songs are in my sig
#12
Thanks heaps for the crit guys, Outside.Ice, thanks a heap, thats the type of boost i needed today.

And chloroformkisme, any ideas for how i could fix the forced rhymes?

Any more crits?