#1
Woke up this morning singing this to myself, sad i know but anyway:
A song about political opression, here we go:

Privacy never was a right,
everyone should know your business,
and if you step into the light,
then that will end loneliness,
death was never on the cards,
and to avoid the strife,
and pick up the shards,
of your shattered life,
has never been so difficult,
and with all the time you spend,
with your cult,
wasted in the end.

Let them scream,
don?t ruin the dream,
just let them say their piece,
and then leave them in peace,
they?ve got something to say,
they?ve got something to say.

Starving their mind,
laying down the law,
stick to the grind,
and close the door,
silence all those who shout,
lock them all away,
never let them out,
we?ll never here what they?ve got to say,
if it?s against you,
then you?ll deny it,
but to annoy you,
they?ll deft it.

Let them scream,
don?t ruin the dream,
just let them say their piece,
and then leave them in peace,
they?ve got something to say,
they?ve got something to say.

You can?t just brush them all,
away under the carpet,
because setting up this wall,
is just another excuse to start it,
this rebellion is on the brink,
prepare yourselves for the end,
because this isn?t what you think,
this peace was all make-pretend.

Your time is over,
your time has ended,
our time?s just beginning,
finally the just are winning.

Let them scream,
don?t ruin the dream,
just let them say their piece,
and then leave them in peace,
they?ve got something to say,
they?ve got something to say.

Crit for crit as always
Last edited by future rock god at Jun 19, 2006,
#2
great rhymes dude!"Starving their mind,
laying down the law,
stick to the grind,
and close the door,"

that's good and original. the song has a nice rythum to it that makes it easy to read. 9.5/10. excellent job.
B.C. RICH
#4
Aprt from the rhyme that b.c.rich pointed out, I have to say that I thought the rhyming seemed fairly forced. I think I've said this before, but I really hate the strife/life rhyme, to me it's one of the most forced rhymes in existence.

I don't know. this just didn't strike me as awesome stuff, or terrible. Not your best. 6/10. Keep it going.
#5
love the song man, i love political tracks, i think it sounds like something boysetsfire would write and play, check them out sometime, if u get the chance
#9
Good rhyme and rhythm patterns, which helps, and you manage to keep the rhyme from getting boring
"You can?t just brush them all,
away under the carpet,
because setting up this wall,
is just another excuse to start it"
I especially like this part. Good stuff, thanks for the crit on my song. Keep it up
"If you want beef, then bring the ruckus." - Marilyn Monroe
#10
very nice ... i like it, well done, very good use of words there mate, thanks for reading my piecs !
erowid has your answers
#11
Privacy never was a right,
everyone should know your business,
and if you step into the light,
then that will end loneliness,

As much as you try, business and loneliness will never rhyme.

death was never on the cards,
and to avoid the strife,
and pick up the shards

Really enjoyed the rhyme here. Good stuff.

with your cult,
wasted in the end.

Not sure if cult is the right word. Maybe avoid it since it is about political oppression not cults. Although a cult could be seen as something taking away individuality therefore politically oppressing you. I've changed my mind, I like it.

Let them scream,
don?t ruin the dream,
just let them say their piece,
and then leave them in peace,
they?ve got something to say,
they?ve got something to say.

Repetition works well there. Nothing to criticize.

Starving their mind,
laying down the law,
stick to the grind,
and close the door,

the rhyming is yet again, iffy.
lock them all away,
never let them out,
we?ll never here what they?ve got to say,
if it?s against you,

Not sure about the flow here. It's a little stuttered. Angry shouting part? Oh it's 'hear' not 'here'.

I like the chorus quite a bit and it's a good reflective way to close.
#12
i'm neutral, some of the rhymeing seemed very forced and cliche but aside from that the flow is good, the message is excellent and with some rhyme revisions i think this would be a grade A piece man.

crit one in my sig for me please