#1
I wanted this to be both about how a star is like a dance between the explosive power of burning hydrogen and the gravitational pull of that star, and also about a couple... but I don't think it worked out how I wanted...

------------

Gravital Dance

[section one]
The stage is set
with players on cue;
as the two first touch,
burning fire as their fuel.

The sirens sound
ringing in my ear;
all life is gone,
all life draws near.

[chorus]
Dancing
all through the night

[section two]
Their passion is great,
their love is true;
yet they pull away, push apart
they don't know what to do.

[chorus]
Dancing
all through the day

[section three]
The band stops short,
the halls echo still;
the two had gone
they'd gone from their thrill.

If they'd only stayed
for that one special night,
if they'd only played
everything would be just fine.

Yet the light is gone,
the music is lost.
It's forever missing
gone without a trace.

[chorus]
Dancing
forever dancing
all of their lives
Last edited by piquet at Jun 19, 2006,
#2
I think the song is solid, but IMO opinion you should scrap the:
Dance the dance;
that gravital dance.
Dance forever;
into eternity.
It just sounds out of place and brings the song down a level, if you culd think of a new chorus that could live up to the rest of th esong it would be great, liked the rest of the song, 8/10 without chorus, 5/10 with th ecurrent chorus
#3
Thanks for the crit - I've edited the chorus, and sectionized everything. I'm fairly new to songwriting, as in I've tried it in the past ... but never really got too far. I'm really trying to find a way to get a tune to put music behind the lyrics, rather than pure instrumental.