#1
this is no way meant to be a song or even a poem
I didn't try to make a rhythm or flow or anything

I?m sorry that I can?t keep eye contact with you
It?s never something I?ve been good at
But that isn?t why I can?t look at you
Maybe it?s the light
Or maybe because it?s 2 am
I can?t seem get my eyes off your lips
Maybe it?s your little scar that you hate
Or maybe it?s how soft I know they are

You, I and this couch are much more comfortable then I thought
With your arms around me you kept me warm
I know that maybe I should be the one doing these things
Making these moves
But you know how timid and shy I am

Now am sorry I keep pulling away and saying random things
It as nothing to do with you
Its all about fear and insecurities
But you know how it goes
I am new to this I don?t know about you

Now if this is what I will win
I will play until my fingers bleed
And I know that you cheat
But I think that you let me win
You knew I wasn?t going to start it
But you could tell I wanted to
So you had to spark it off
We both knew what we were doing
We had our own separate plans
But they play right in to each other
Is it a mind trick if you want it?

Now if you?re to bold for me I truly am your wuss


if you are thinking why i used some words and phrases its because they were some of the things said during what this is written about
Last edited by frd_marshll at Jun 25, 2006,
#3
I?m sorry that I can?t keep eye contact with you
It?s never something I?ve been good at that
But that isn?t why I can?t look at you
Maybe it?s the light
Or maybe because it?s 2 am
I can?t seem get my eyes off your lips
Maybe it?s your cute little scar that you hate
Or maybe it?s how soft I know they are

the 2nd line makes no sense, you either want "it's never been something i'm good at" or "it's something i've never been good at" and personally i would go for that 2nd option there.
also... there's something about the opening line that makes it sound kinda weak and i dunno... like it doesn't grab my attention as i read it.

"cute little scar" sounds awful IMO. sounds like a myspace screen name or url.

You I and this couch are much more comfortable then I though
With your arms around me you kept me warm
I know that maybe I should be the one doing these things
Making these moves
But you know how timid and shy I am

first line: "you COMMA, I and this couch"
also first line: "thought" not "though"
that was all cool though, until; the last line. it sounded really off, really weak IMO and kinda ruins the stanza.

Now am sorry I deep pull away and saying random things
It as nothing to do with you
Its all about fear and insecurities
But you know how it goes
I am new to this I don?t know about you

i do not understand the first line "now am sorry i deep pull" ????
your words make no sense!
this is a cool stanza though, i like the progression.

Now if this is what I will win
I will play until my fingers bleed
And I know that you cheat
But I think that you let me win
You knew I wasn?t going to start it
But you could tell I wanted to
So you had to spark it off
We both knew what we were doing
We had our own separate plans
But they play right in to each other
Is it a mind trick if you want it?

Now if you?re to bold for me I truly am your wuss
this was fantastic until the alst line! "wuss" sounds terrible. sorry mate, but that is an awful line to end on. well it's an awful line full stop relaly. i dont mean to be harsh, but i'm not going to pretend. it sounds awful.

i'd just scrap it all togetehr tbh
Quote by Kensai
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#4
Dyu know, i enjoyed this emmensly. I cant even say why. I just did.
Love it man.

franz xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#5
thanks guys

thanks Alice for pointing out the grammar mistakes

i didn't take any lines out but i know what you mean with things like wuss and stuff
if i use this in a comp then i'll take them out but for now i will leave them