#1
The Emptiness of BPMs

Roused in youth
Theology and trinkets choked
In the gestation of
Stylus
And vinyl kissed spirits

Harmonies
Moans of the inexpressible
I secrete sentiment
And rites
Over distinct sound

And in the sovereignty of silence
I scratch for a sagacity unfound

As a beau
My fervor clenches to her heels
Toes ripe with joyous tune
Ceaseless
And unwavered, love

But her kisses are uncertain and dull
And my undying trust, stirs like a cadence

Accents boast my tired ears
And her dreary chords


crit me, i crit you.
Last edited by pixiesfanyo at Jun 19, 2006,
#2
Yeh it read pretty well.

A nice and clever use of vocabulary mixed with some strong feelings all gave it a strong stand out.

It just had a fitting sound, I read it aloud and it just felt right and just.

Your imagery is improving in my opinion and so's your whole expression in a writing sense.

One of my favourite writers on here now.

I have a piece up if you want to leave a comment.
#3
this is lovely, nice flow and a good poem.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#4
s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-superb.

I agree with pickups, it read really well, I loved the "s" sound that was in there alot

Was a great piece. Keep it going, is al I can say
#6
nobody comments on my stuff for real.


?

Explain? I thought I just did.

And comment on mine or I'll kick your Black Francis ass.
#9
I'd just like to say I only really crit pieces fully where I think my opinion is really valued- writers like youself write stuff which is above me, and I only say things to them which I feel strongly about. I have no intentions of telling more experinced and skilled writers where they went wrong, as I seriously don't know. But I would like to be noticed and thanked when I take the time to read and comment on one of your pieces.

But hey, I'll give a crit a shot, consider it a piece offering

I said previously that I liked the "s" sound in the piece, but is it a song or a poem? Because I imagin that it would be tricky to sing live.

I think there were only a couple of lines I disliked here.

And unwavered, love

I didn't think that line flowed as well, and it lacked that "s" sound I keep going on about.

Accents boast my tired ears
And her dreary chords


I just disliked these last two, the final one especially. I was like "and her dreary chords...what?" It was almost as if I was waiting for another line or two. the line sounds great, but to me, it just ended a bit abruptly.

Top stuff. Top quality.

I hoped I helped a bit, I'm not the best critter
#10
Well...it's a nice peice...but I just don't like all teh metaphores and stuff...they make things complicated and long...but since this piece of work was quite short it worked out ok
So this stuff isn't my thing but the piece is good...
On the sixth day God created mankind, I say it is a waste of time.
My project: _simple_city