#1
hey everyone! I've been pretty busy as of late but I managed to come up with this little piece on a busride to Montreal to see a gig with UG's own tauket2 (Chris). I did not have any paper with me when I wrote it, but I had one of those little magazines they give you on coach buses. So I find a page with a large blank and choose to write there It's pretty ironic that it's a Hugo Boss ad, but I thought it classic. I won't give you any hints to the piece just yet, except that the title means an improvised weapon (think prison knife, for example). Literally though, it means weapon of fortune.

Arme de Fortune

Union of the disconnected.
Faction of the least infected.
As the fire rages on,
We immolate ourselves.

Guilty thoughts and best intentions
Failed at keeping her awake.
Sweetened lips and bitter cocktails:
Reminders of the highest stakes.
Marching backwards to awkward rhythms;
Syncopations, ticking clocks.
Dizziness and strength in numbers;
Death induced by parlour talks.

Colonial hearts and mother?s goodness
Desecrate the dream undone.
Sweaty brows and ochre secrets;
Glimpsing hope through setting sun.
Heat waves hit where least expected:
Pornographic charity.
Today we immolate ourselves,
If but in death, we all are free.
Attachments:
arme de fortune.zip
#2
I thought the last paragraph through off the flow but the rest was real good. I really enjoyed the second stanza. this is a real good one, helps you think though id have to say i cant tell you the full meaning off the piece only bits a pieces. nice job

-Mike
#3
This reminds me of the Cure plus something modern rockish. I think that's a good balance because it provides the piece with a sensibility but also a catchiness. If you are going to write in such simple terms, I think maybe a "hook" or some form of chorus would benefit the piece out better, but the way you have it laid out now makes it interesting enough. Your subtle use of odd words and unique imagery gives the piece some points in the area of originality and that is really essential to being a good writer. I like the fact that you choose to flavor an otherwise typically written piece with words such as "syncopation". I liked it.

The problem I do have with this kind of piece is that it seems one layered. I'm sure you have more then one emotion or thought invested in it, but to the reader it seems like you are just being political and sensible for politics and sensible seeming sense. In some ways it doesn't seem earnest, or connected to your psyche. Oh well, all pieces don't have to be deep heart wrenching tales of something or another. In my opinion this is well written, it just doesn't fit with my ideas of how lyrics should be. It does remind me of myself in someways, because you are using rhyme and odd wording to get across your ideas, and also because it's obvious your ideas are clouded by this because you are looking at the piece as if it has to sound beautiful. Don't be afraid to sound ugly, it'll in the end improve your writing for the better, and just make you a more balanced poet/lyricist.

Good job, 6.9/10

Also, I give you credit for the National user title Great album Alligator is.
#4
Thanks for the tips guys!


This song is really one about linking deatils and the big picture. It also simultaneously permits two completely different readings that complement one another.

to pixiesfanyo: yeah, Alligator is a masterpiece! Your crit was thorough, but, not to be rude, but I don't think it's one-layered. You may be missing something, because this piece has another meaning than the one you read. It all rests in one three letter word in the song
#5
-bump-da-da-dump-

FIRST THING WHEN I GET UP!! I SWEAR!
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Quote by GOD*OF*ROCK
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#6
I like this a lot. It has a well-balanced style, I think. If I had to hazard a guess as to what the two "layers" are, I'd just say that this can probably be read as both a political piece and/or a personal piece. Is the three-letter word "her"?

Some of the phrases are kind of lost on me, mostly from the last stanza. I like the diction though. "Ochre" - nice one; seemed fitting. I see exactly why you referred to the whole republican thing in the other thread, anyway. I see how it addressed those, but I wasn't able to discern any clear message in that regard. Which is probably a good thing. I think your rhyming was very cool, too; you had just enough of it.

That Hugo Boss ad was in french...So you're in some french part of Canada? Is that relevant to the piece?

Anyway, I really like this. 'Tis well written and has definite depth. Sorry for not having any tips for improving it! Good stuff.
Cheers, Ro
ρ
#7
your diction and literary prowess is one that i havnt seen in a long while. Also, your vocabulaty is amazingly spot-on, and seeing how one of my weaknesses is wasting breath on some extraeneous things, i find that to be an amazing talent. a real crit is coming later, now I'm off to eat dinner. I'm sorry I havnt left an actual crit yet though as I'm sure I've read this at least 3 times since you posted it, I really do love your stuff.
#8
Pornographic charity.
Today we immolate ourselves,
If but in death, we all are free.

beautiful, this is great, you should write more
#9
Thank you everyone. If I owe anyone a crit, please remind me.

To Ro: no, the ad being in French has nothing to do with the piece. The province of Quebec is like 85% French.

To all critters, I would like some interpetation of the pice, that would be sweet. One more hint: the piece is a psychological portrait of a certain individual (I'm not looking for a name) comitting a certain act...
#10
Thanks for the positive crit on mine, I am chuffed you thought it to be a good piece; as you come across as a more intelligent and well versed person than myself. I love your diction and rhymes and flow, pretty damn good and I am sure your intellect has produced a brilliant meaning/s behind this piece, but unfortunately I am not the greatest at unhinging the meaning/s here; due to my smaller cranium capacity. But I really do like the way you write and certainly hope you keep at it bud. Sorry to be a lame arse, but when I cannot decipher the meaning it makes it hard to really get into the piece and help if I can.

Cheers Pooch
Hope you well mate.
#11
I agree completely with Jared's critique, it reads as a a lot things, I can find metaphors for death, war, suicide, there's a lot going on here, which says a lot because it's relatively short.

You need to work on how to place your adjectives, usually, two words with high syllable count, placed next to each other sounds not only bad flow wise, but pretentious.

Specifically:

Colonial hearts and mother?s goodness
Desecrate the dream undone.
Sweaty brows and ochre secrets;


Your adjectives there aren't all that great and don't exactly have much flow [use alliteration.]

You don't have to write like you're from 16th century London to be a good poet.

I'm not good at decifering, oddly enough for writing such "complex" pieces in my past. I do find it the whole thing kind of interesting, just know that writing poetry that is meant to be decifered, make sure to make it possible to then common reader after four or five tries, otherwise, it's just structured confusion.


Pick one of mine to bump, up to you buddy :]
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#12
ahh, well, technically speaking, I did just get up.

Firstly, this is insanely short, yet says a lot. I really don't want to give my interpritation on it, because I feel like it is extremely far-fetched, and I would, at all costs, like to avoid sounding like an idiot. But I believe the act you are referring to is murder..

The choppiness of this kind of takes away from the complete poeticness of it. But it is really clear cut and otherwise well structured. Every metaphor is stratigically placed and written to fit really well. This entire piece is truly well developed.

I'm actually totally lost as what to suggest because the only thing I didn't particularly care for was the choppy lines, which is just a stylistic thing, etc.
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Quote by GOD*OF*ROCK
lol man plz dont take this the wrong way but you really cant rap.
#14
It is meant to be the portrait of a female suicide bomber. I hope it reads clearer in this light.

Sorry for the pressure Ally. Thanks for the crit.

And the same goes to Matt as well, I really aprreciate your insight.
Last edited by pooch0072 at Jul 3, 2006,
#17
Alright - there's an immediate problem in the first stanza. The diction, given its context, exudes a very technical feel, sans a technical context, giving it something of either a political feel or that puzzle feel. Still, after a couple reads, it comes off as disconnected from anything human, which doesn't play well with the second half of the stanza. The second half reminds me of a sort of fiery religious ceremony - whether immediately physical or not - which plays, perhaps, the best with the character.

This being a character sketch, I feel that it's best to introduce the psychology of the character early - you've prepared religious zeal early on, but there's more than just that aspect that ought to be revealed throughout the entirety of the piece to give it a strong, cohesive feel. You've done this to a very distanced degree, which, to me, comes off as you tackling a subject that's very theoretical to you - the diction is rather cold and the syntax increases that distanced feel into a sense of uncertainty on behalf of the author concerning the character itself (which, I would suppose, is natural - after all, you yourself are not a female suicide bomber... I hope ).

I can't help but notice a pattern of periods every other line, except at that very beginning. Honestly, this punctuation, in my opinion, punctures the flow of the piece by imposing a sort of expected pace - certainly not something natural to human speech. Unless, of course, this punctuation is meant to further some deeper commentary...

I've got to agree with Something_Vague to say that, especially in the second stanza and majority of the third, you've built up so many walls with the diction and poor flow that deciphering the piece is made all the more difficult. After all, writing isn't too much different than lighting a stage (if you're in any way knowledgeable of theatrical lighting) - when you're lighting a single individual, you need to add as many layers of light if you want to bring the figure into focus. Now, it's understood that keeping certain angles on or off will set a tone - as such, I understand the desire to keep some level of mystery around the figure. Nevertheless - continuing my poor light metaphor, you've only provided a few layers of detail light - I can't see the entire figure enough to make out who it is.

My suggestion is to stabilize your flow - the result should be something of an equalizing force, turning your diction around enough to fix most of your problems.
#18
I agree with some of the critiques above, some that were already agreed with anyway, so I won't bother repeating what was said.

To me you showed a lot of potential (I'm not sure I ever actually graced your work with a critique before), you have a way with words, you can convey anything with style and you show talents in structure and flow (Although some bits in this piece lacked some flow).

But to be honest, completely honest, I felt like I was served a dish that was a jumble of whatever was left in the kitchen; Peppered with some pretentious expressions, so I wouldn't feel like it's tasteless.
And of all -
Pornographic charity?
Even if there was a perfectly good explanation for why that phrase was there, I personally found no use for it in the piece as I read it.

I do not mean to be harsh, but you've presented a high standard on many of the aspects I?ve mentioned before, and I was a little disappointed when I've reached the end of the piece and felt like I was cheated of content.

In any case I will keep watch for more pieces of yours and hopefully will find them more suited for me.


Carmel
This is not a pipe