#1
ya, so i decided I cant not write, so i wrote, and this is what came out of my wanderingness. Fiesta!!! C4C4C4C4C4C4C.

Completely re-edited, sounds better I guess, but completely different meaning.

A living boy [sic]

Curled down braids and split ends a-burning
Arms wrapped around the Willamette?s turning,
On a rock surrounded by dripping arches,
The water churning, around a living boy laying [sic],
And whilst laying sick, his delusion spoke:

[Nature, O brilliant nature!
Fate, O brilliant fate!
Is it raining? Is it pouring?
Is it late to plug the grate
From all the fallen rays of moonlight
Fallen across this barren stone?
Alone here, am I alone]

With that
He began to bob and wade
About the rhythm holding fast
Of surf on leathered skin, and borne again
He sung about his whimsy:

[Burn this rock whilst I dance around!
Tumble me through this hymnal?s sound!
Just please, save me this last prance
With my veins and the harvest moon.
I giggle, frown, I live in air, and
I float there and play my taught fishing net
With a bow of burning horsehair,
With a bow of my burning curly locks]


?Here lies ??, no just washed away
The name has been eroded
Where land meets sea and ecstasy
And moonlight shifts to household lore
This is where his myth was borne
The [sic] boy on barren rock

Last edited by #1 synth at Jun 20, 2006,
#2
Ah synth i dont like the "i touched her here blah here here here crap" and the stuff in []'s reminded me to much of that peice a few back from you dont remember but its called i mean theres some good stuff in here your intro is pretty good but i just didnt like this much with all the heres in some of hte verses and the obvious relation of those other ones to your old piece but thats just me. ttyl synth actually, get on aim loser

-Mike
#3
I have read this a few times. And enjoyed it each time I read it. Very well writen. But I am still trying to figure out what it is about. For some reason the first stanza does not seem to fit with the rest of the piece. The part may mean something to you, but I do not think it is really needed. Maybe if you added the rain theme to that stanza it would go. But besides that I love this piece man.


Please tell me if you like mine
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=378857
Last edited by guitar? at Jun 19, 2006,
#4
Writing excercises are great. I do them alot, mess around with form, mess around with rhymes, mess around with topics. It's all a great tool in improving and bettering your writing ability and I'm glad to see that you are at least attempting to become a better writer. I think something you have to realize though, is that all of your pieces don't have to be posted on UG. It's part of the problem with the site really, everyone just posts **** up that they don't care about, that they aren't connected too, they just feel the need to post something. Don't fall into that trap. This obviously helped you work through a block (or is) and you should've left it at that. Just because you can post it doesn't mean you should.. and I think that's advice for this entire forum not just you.

As for the piece, it's a jumble of weird imagery and odd things. I think you could probably edit it and maybe use the lines in a new piece. Maybe take a line and base a new piece off of that? As a whole it doesn't make much sense though.

Oh, well. Just my advice.
#5
I have to say that I do write a bunch of **** that I dont post here, and most of it is just excersize crap, where ideas are born and paticular ways of phrasing things are milled over and refined. I do that all this time. That being said, this is not an excercize, it has a very specific message that relates to myself and writing in general and it is only pieces that I believe are paticularly meaningful/relevant are postworthy. I have had some slipups and posted mere writing excersize and thats whats generally most critisized for not having a point, which it doesnt generally, if it is solely an excersize. Again, this is no excersize. There is a point i want people to get out of it and maybe I'm just saying too much that doesnt amount to anything... if that makes any sense. O well, so is life, and I do agree with most of what your saying.

anyone want a hint yet? think three characters seperated by the division of []'s one of these characters is a boy (narrator) and one is a girl (who is dead and who never speaks) and the third one is a second girl who speaks in []'s and she is inspiration manifest. the point to this piece is the cycle of inspiration, birthing, loving, dying. the narration is broken at 'she's dead' and the true narrator emerges as the author who throughout the piece has been as enratptured by the character he's playing, the boy, in the lamenting of the girl. I'm gonna leave the inclusion of [sic] up to you guys, but if you know what it means it shouldnt be too hard to decipher the meaning.

again, I may be saying too much, but so is life.
#6
For I remember
She touched me here, she held me here,
I kissed her here, I loved her here,
But now she isnt here... and
I never forget a face.

Thats my favorite part
ill give your peice 9/10
plz crit "Im Still Breathing"
Last edited by stratkat at Jun 20, 2006,
#7
i dont like the way you put 'here' twice in the one line (though i cant say much i postyed one on here yesterday with the same sorta thing) but i absolutely love the rest... sometimes the rhyming doesnt fit when just reading it out, but i dunno might jsut be the way im reading it... anyway well done 9/10.!!
Quote by Lord_Of_Dance.

I never understood why a girl would take a boner as a bad thing "Oh no, your attracted to me, you sick wanker." :\ x


Quote by Nelsean
Im saying this the straightest way possible, but...

I'd have sexual intercourse with your anus.
#8
Thanks everyone for looking at it, I'll edit it tomarrow, however I'd like to say that all the 'heres' are irrelevant, in fact most of the beggining is filler to be used as contrast matierial, I'm sorry it serves as such a distraction

and trig, this has nothing to do with the other piece, sorry if it seems like it does
#9
Quote by #1 synth
Thanks everyone for looking at it, I'll edit it tomarrow, however I'd like to say that all the 'heres' are irrelevant, in fact most of the beggining is filler to be used as contrast matierial, I'm sorry it serves as such a distraction

and trig, this has nothing to do with the other piece, sorry if it seems like it does


Writing wise, it's familliar to everything else you've written recently. But I sense more emotion in it. More of yourself. The more you put in, the more you get out. And it shows. Keep up writing with this kind of emotion(though expand into other styles, this one is done, for now.) and every piece of yours will be praised.

Nice work Synth, and PixiesFanYo, I agree with you completely. That's why I haven't posted anything in a month or so...
#10
thats actually probably the nicest crit youve ever given me Ret, much

well, I completely redid it, and now it has a completely different meaning but sounds good, less awkward. and its definitely borderline 'regular-synth' with the tombstone ending, its my safety-net of goodness. I'd like to hear new opinions of this if anyone wants to give 'em
#12
Quote by pixiesfanyo
I don't see how you can write a piece that has a "very" personal message and then completely change it.

Therefore, I don't believe it had a "very" personal message, and you just wrote a few lines and came up with a way to apply it to a situation in your life.



Agreed/10

also, the rhymes were incredibly lame.

Sorry buddy, it doesn't do anything for me at all.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#13
Its the same theme just different words pixiesfanyo. Anyways I will give this a good look at tommorow.
#14
well, now its not the same piece, and its not the same message, and yes this isnt as "very" personal... actually, y'know what? I feel no need to persuade your opinion, you believe what you want to believe and theres no point in arguing against something thats purely subjective, such as what my motives are. Interpret out of me and my piece what you want, I'm going to go get some oreos.

edit: ****, two people posted in that time.

hmm, agreed about the rhymes Matt, thank you for your time, and it is a different theme guitar?, but thanks for attempting to come to my aid
Last edited by #1 synth at Jun 20, 2006,
#15
Quote by guitar?
Its the same theme just different words pixiesfanyo. Anyways I will give this a good look at tommorow.


Yes. But I think if you wrote something that was entirely a full reflection emotionally of the idea you were trying to present, like # 1 Synth implied then you'd feel cheap editting it completely.

"That being said, this is not an excercize, it has a very specific message that relates to myself and writing in general and it is only pieces that I believe are paticularly meaningful/relevant are postworthy."

Obviously it isn't.

I mean, you might as well admit that the piece wasn't worthy of being posted if you completely re-editted the song...