#1
I wrote this about fifteen minutes ago and havent gone over it fully yet, so, tell me what you think


Black to the core
Blood seeps from every pore
Hynotic rhythyms define my nature
shadowed is my every feature
Blinding sounds and deafening lights
These govern all my nights
The noose hangs from my shower head
Assuring me I'll soon be dead
Paranoid of all these things
Loudly my cursed pen sings
Songs that turn and toss the dead
Fear is what my message spreads
Hardly what you would call hate
My only message is that of fate
Black and cold and filled with spite
Spreads its wings and then takes flight
Horror to everyone but me
I know its what must be
You cannot change that either way
No matter what you think or say
Wicked and fanged it chases you
Beats you till you're black and blue
Now I must begone, farewell
I'll soon see you in the pits of hell


thanks

EDIT: This is NOT about suicide, it probably seems that way to everyone but its about how it seems everyone around me's life is going well and mine is in a downward spiral and I cant escape my fate
Last edited by Morrison_lizard at Jun 20, 2006,
#2
I gotta admit - if this is a suicide song, and I assume it is, to whatever extent - I liked it. It rhymed well, even if some parts seemed a little forced. I liked the wording of Blinding sounds and deafening lights and Wicked and fanged it chases you.

How do you want this performed? It would give me a better idea of what it should sound like. Tempo, style, all that.

Overall I quite liked it, 8/10

edit: If you could crit mine (Autobiography) - it's still somewhere on the first page. Thanks much.